Stuck Between Stay or Go? Maybe Your Body Can Help

According to several internet sources, adults living in the modern age make in the ballpark of 35,000 decisions a day. Surprising, but just think how many decisions it took you to prepare your oatmeal this morning. We can make so many decisions of course, because many of them carry nominal consequences--should I add raisins or cranberries today? Not a big deal.

But what if you are deciding whether you should take a desirable job on contract for the next five years that will cause your family to move to another state and your son will have to finish his senior year in a new school? Not so straight forward.

In the past when I faced a really hard decision, I defaulted to a logical decision making process. I listed out the pros and cons on each side of a sheet of paper. Even when I saw that the pros list was longer, I still wasn't convinced to decide to "Go". Logic didn't give me the absolute answer, because of course, feelings and values are also playing a role.

In order to trudge through the murky waters of feelings and values, I've found that our 6th sense or "knowing" can play an even greater role in making a good decision if we can tap into it. Our bodies actually have a a great way of communicating to us this sense of knowing when we feel otherwise overly conflicted. 

However, we logical Westerners often tend to overlook when our body is trying to tell us something. Whether it's the sudden urge to go to the bathroom before an important interview or the immediate fatigue that overtakes your body when a friend starts talking about a subject you have no interest to follow. You may be sitting there saying you're feeling good about the interview or you could be feigning interest as your friend talks--but your body knows otherwise.

That kind of body wisdom is exactly the partner you want on your team as you're making decisions. While our mind may be subject to trying to please others or making decisions out of the feeling we "should" do something, our bodies could care less about social norms--rather, they speak our truth. 

So how can we check in with our body when making a decision?

1. Connect to Your Body - Are you aware of what your body is feeling in a peaceful moment? When you are stressed? Can you feel any tensions currently? Pleasures? Tingling? Stiffness?  Try tuning into your big toe to start--describe to yourself how it feels. Then move the whole way up your body noticing how each part feels.

2. Determine Your Compass - Set apart some time by yourself or with the help of a friend/coach to think through a situation in your life that was one of the worst moments you've experienced (don't worry you won't need to stay there long). Take a few seconds to imagine you are there in your mind and let your body feel what it felt in that moment. Describe the sensations you felt. Then do the opposite--imagine one of the best moments of your life--describe the sensations you felt. Now you have a compass that you can use to gauge what is your specific positive or negative reaction when it comes to making a decision. Is your body giving you a signal that leans towards the positive or negative sensations?

3. Explore the Possibilities - Go through each of the possibilities for your decision in your mind. Close your eyes and imagine "Staying" how does that feel in your body--describe all the sensations. Then explore "Going". Do this for each possibility you have. 

After taking these steps you will have a pretty good idea of what your body is saying about a certain decision. 

You may find, though, it is difficult to connect with the sensations of your body. Perhaps because you have been ignoring your body for a long time and you will need to practice. Also, you may find it tempting to override what your body is saying.  After all, it may be directing you towards a decision that will come with a cost to pay---like having that hard talk with your boss, breaking up with a guy, or pursuing your calling by moving to Kathmandu, Nepal. But if we are willing to trust that our body is able to circumvent societal pressures and come to the best decision for our authentic journey, we just might experience not only a sense of peace, but better health in our bodies too.

Stuck in the Middle

Perhaps the curse of my life has been that I am good at many things. But I am not great at many things. Nor do I do many things poorly. As a girl, when my mom signed me up for a gymnastics class, with no prior experience, I was able to tuck my chin, curl myself into a ball and stand up straight on the other side, along with all the other kids just like the teacher demonstrated. I somersaulted around ahead of half the other kids, yet not able to catch up with the girls turning with ease at the head of our pack. 

I wasn't good enough to have the teacher pull me out and recommend I go on to the advanced level. Nor was the teacher calling out my name because I wasn't doing it right. I was average-ly good--safely lodged in the middle.

And somewhere along the way--on swim team or at drama camp or in ballet classes--I grew comfortable in feeling safe in the anonymity of the middle. The longer I spent time in the middle of the "pack", the more solidified my belief became that I was better off being unseen. This way I could avoid being made fun of by bullies and I wasn't the last one chosen on teams. I was generally accepted at high school lunch tables and invited to parties as a person who could carry on a normal conversation, but not necessarily express a controversial opinion. There in the dead center of mediocrity, I safely avoided what I thought would be horrible feelings of shame. 

However, as I entered into young adulthood, when the time came to make my unique mark on the world, I started to notice that I had a hard time making close friends, I was terrified of dating and I didn't have any specific desire to follow a career path. In fact, any fear of sticking myself out there beyond the safe middle to let people know who I was or what I was interested in, felt like potential sudden death. Sure, I was surviving doing menial jobs I didn't care about and hanging out with people I'd keep at a distance, but I wasn't able to thrive. The real me felt stuck, hiding deep the middle of myself, because I'd hardly experienced what it could feel like to come out beyond the pack as uniquely me.  

Therefore, I continued to find various jobs, until I fell into a series of accounting jobs, respectable enough by my parents'/society's standards, yet nothing along the lines of what I'd dreamed of doing. I spent many years pleasing my bosses, working hard at something I didn't like so I could be a responsible adult staying with the pack. But I felt depressed, rarely voicing my opinion, nor expressing my creativity nor feeling as though I were living my purpose. I suffered for years in bad work situations and my health grew worse.

Today, through the support of many people, I am learning to come out of my own middle prison. I am taking dance classes again--believing that there is a possibility that I could be great! or I could suck! and trusting that as I risk being in either of those places that I will be freer. I understand now that there is freedom in being seen for the characteristics that make me unique. I wish I felt back then what I understand today, I could have been great at being me--only much, much sooner!

                                                                            ******

If you're anything like me, I know it takes support to put yourself out there and stand in a place where people can see the real you. Don't let your beliefs keep you stuck safely in hiding, while the real you is slowly dying inside. Connect with me for coaching today!

Letting 'Everybody' Stop You

I confess to you that I've been struggling with writer's block for longer than I'd like to admit. There is a part of me that loves to write, but avoids it like the plague because I hate the feeling of sitting down to a blank page and feeling stuck. 

When I do finally sit down to contemplate, the wheels of my mind grind away, offering potential topics. A part of me shoots down every suggestion that my creative mind comes up with. "Hmm, no that won't work." or "No, that's not interesting." or "Is that subject appropriate?" Then a news line pops up on my phone and before I know it I am staring into the back of my refrigerator, pulling out creamer for a cup of coffee while I surf the internet. 

To make a little sense of my writer's block dilemma, Martha Beck helps me in her book, Finding Your Own North Star, where she writes that "we all have a psychological tendency to give unwarranted power to certain individuals." She calls those individuals our 'Everybody'. More accurately, the rejections in my head are inserting this 'Everybody'. "That's not interesting to 'Everybody'.'' or "Is that subject appropriate to 'Everybody'?" Suddenly, I am seated on trial across from my personal panel of judges, trying to avoid their disapproval. 

If you've ever been stopped in your tracks because "But what will 'Everybody' think?", then you've experienced this too. Martha suggests that getting rid of the 'Everybody' is nearly impossible, as every human being psychologically protects themselves this way. However, the members of the Everybody panel can be replaced for the better. 

Take a moment and see if you can pare down who really makes up your 'Everybody'. You may find it's basically a mix like; your father, your friend group at the gym and your co-worker in the marketing department who freely vocalizes all of his opinions. Think about whose voices form your inner criticisms.

For example, let's say you struggle with the idea "I deserve a life of joy and fulfillment." Then think for a moment, who in your life has told you that you don't deserve a life of joy and fulfillment? A caretaker? A church leader? a specific culture? Write those down. Then, see if you can think of the people in your life who have voiced that you deserve a life of joy and fulfillment, this may be a bit more challenging, but list those people on the other side of the page.

Then evaluate, which group of people would you have more respect for, want to spend time with, have fulfilling lives themselves, or would you trust to raise your child? Start to dwell on those voices as your 'Everybody'. Write down what they said, speak it to yourself, let their affirmations ring in your mind, until they begin to quiet down the critical voices.

This is a beginning of an exercise you can use  to exchange your 'Everybody'. As you desire to press towards something new in your life that is calling you, you may find that you are having blocks too. Could it be that it's time to evaluate and replace your 'Everybody' for a better one? Who doesn't need more positive voices in their corner to help them along, right?

Following Your Own North Star has many more exercises like this that promote change on a heart level. They are especially powerful when you do them with the support of a coach or a small group. If you are interested to be freer to live your potential,  Email kristen@kristenmiracoaching.com for more details on getting individual coaching or joining an upcoming small group to go through the book and exercises together.

Birthing Vs. Achieving in the New Year

As a kid I watched lots of cooking shows. I loved the way the chef assembled all the ingredients from pre-filled bowls and within 2 minutes pulled the cooked dish out from behind the counter. So when my family got a new video camera, I knew right away what kind of video I wanted to produce. 

I prepped out cookie ingredients and then prepared baked cookies to put behind the counter. I gave my brothers directions on how to film and what lines I'd say. From years spent absorbing cooking shows, ideas came to me quickly. Rather than the video being someone else's idea and me trying to work hard to follow the steps, it was as if the ideas and abilities had been growing inside me and when the opportunity presented itself, I gave birth to a cooking show. (kid quality, of course!)

I thought of this today as I saw my grocery store announced Resolution Reset Day as January 19th, 2018. They cited that each year 135 million Americans who made New Year's resolutions, by the 2nd week of February, 100 millions of them already failed to make them.  

This made me wonder if the reason most people's New Year's resolutions last such a short time is because they come from the wrong source?

Now in the 2nd week of January, I'm sure you've experienced hundreds of messages from advertisers offering new memberships, deals on organizer containers or diet plans that have so much promise. Advertisers work off the premise that we all want thin waists, clear skin, extra cash and clean homes. But since when did they have the 411 on what makes you fulfilled?

Before making the video, my mom didn't sit us kids down and force us to come up with a cooking show, but when the opportunity came, I was inspired to do it. Motivated from within, there was barely anything that could stop me.

If you've been wandering around in the last year, feeling pressure to achieve goals that you felt you should have done a long time ago or maybe you just feel like a failure to your own "weak" will power, maybe it's time to seek out a different approach. Instead of shuffling off with the crowds to sign up for a new membership you won't use, try taking a few, quiet moments to go inside of yourself and see what signs of life are already growing.  

What seeds of ideas, creativity, production, or connections have been planted in your very DNA to be birthed to life? What examples, models, or heroes have you been enjoying absorbing because what their doing excites you?  Perhaps it's not a matter of making a list of goals to achieve, but rather exploring: How can you support what is wanting to be birthed through you? What blocks need to be taken out of the way so it can be born? You are the best source to find those answers. If you find you need help, I can hold a space for you to help you discover more.

Why I Left My Business

My client leaned across the table towards me and asked me to explain why the numbers for their equity accounts on their balance sheet seemed high. The intentness of their eyes shot pressure directly into my stomach. I wanted to cry because I couldn't give a crap about why their numbers seemed high. Yet, I sat there contorting my face into gestures of pleasantries, while explaining that I needed some time to look into it. It took all possible forces of self-restraint to hold myself back from screaming, "I don't know and I don't give a damn!" I knew I could not put on this act any longer.

My answer was not very convincing and I felt my own incongruence through every fiber of my muscles. 

Bookkeeping had become so boring to me that when sitting down to do it, throwing plates against the wall seemed like a better alternative. The mask of feigned interest I wore with my clients had become very scratchy and ill-fitted, like a kid wearing his Halloween costume all night who, without a second thought, yanked it off on the way home because he couldn't stand the rub any longer.

However, I couldn't just yank the mask right off. I was a rational, responsible adult with bills to pay and clients to please. 

These feelings of repulsion and distaste about bookkeeping had been surfacing stronger and stronger for months. I wondered somehow how I'd ever gotten to this place. Trapped, with a full-service 6 year old bookkeeping business with 5 other contractors now partnering with me.

From a young age, I never imagined that I'd be a bookkeeper. In fact, if I were asked to write a list of 25 professions that I wanted to do as a child that probably wouldn't have even been number 25.   

Yet, I was obviously scared to find a way out. It was hard to imagine what, practically speaking, I could even do next.  

Sure, my mom had always told me that I could do anything I put my mind too. "You're so talented Kristen. There's very little you can't do." 

"Thanks, Mom." I'd shrug off the feelings of pride and pressure. Maybe I could do lots of things. I'd worked dozens of jobs since my youth and proved I could step up to most challenges. But I was haunted with the feeling that I needed to strike out of my comfort zone in order to pursue the things I was born to do. Could there be some work for me where I would feel deeply satisfied while offering a valuable service to the world?

My calling, to that point, hadn't dropped out of the sky and found me. I felt confused and unsure and impractical for wanting to start all over with some career in my 40's. Every idea my creative brain threw out on the table to consider, the editor brain brain stamped with a bright red "Ixnay". So my mind constantly drew blanks. I knew I needed to get out of my own head, move beyond my own self-sabotaging behaviors, and get support.

So I called a counselor with coaching skills that I'd been wanting to call. We talked about what I wanted to do and what was holding me back. After several months he helped me set a target date to sell the clients for my business and made plans for a sabbatical to figure things out. From the moment I left his office that day with plans to leave my business, I felt 50 pounds lighter. It has been an unregrettable journey ever since.