Your Full Life Will Lead You to Your Dream Man

Dating over the years, I got undesirable outcomes when I was living from an empty cup.

It looked like a hot guy who made effort at the beginning—Good morning texts, plans to go mini-golfing and dinner, curious about my favorite vacation, told me I had a cute smile and then at the end of the date when I was feeling tingling and hopeful, the subtle sexual innuendo started. While he couched it in the middle of a talk about his favorite sports team, I’d brush off the discomfort in my chest because I’d just discovered him as the best thing I had going in my life.

He didn’t have that much to compete with. I was working in a job where the boredom drove me to waste my after hours scrolling social media or giving my time to friends who always seemed to be one decision away from a major life crisis. Which, in comparison, made my problem of putting my own dreams and desires last, seem relatively minor.

When men asked me what my hobbies were I told them I used to like playing the piano or baking a cake, but the honest truth was that I hadn’t done those things in over a fifteen years. When they asked me why I didn’t do them, I’d explain how long-term chronic illness led me into self-pity parties that I had a hard time leaving because they made such reasonable excuses for why I needed to avoid new or fun things and just survive the next day.

So when Mr. Rico Suave entered my dating options with a few interested questions, he was it—life itself!

When you are not living a life that makes you feel alive, full, or engaged, your dating process will feel like you’re stomach’s been empty for days, and a crumb of attention feels like the promise of a 5 course meal.

When I went out with a guy and he’d start to make physical moves before I felt comfortable, I’d go along because subconsciously I thought, “this is the price I need to pay for the food I need.” I’d let him cross my own boundaries and mistook his physical desire for serious interest and capacity for a long-term relationship.

Until his texting turned completely sexual and when I changed the subject, he’d turn my comment about loving fruit salad into something much less innocent. My stomach twisted into knots and at the same time I felt a rush of excitement that I didn’t normally feel in my regular life, which made it all so confusing.

Then came his last minute invites, late arrivals, lack of planning, Crumb. After. Crumb. He lured my heart into his force field with the promise of his attention. When I gave my time to him for so little investment, he realized how little he needed to give in order to benefit from the situation.

The hard truth I faced when those connections came to painful endings, was that I was looking for another person to fill up my unfulfilling life. If I was going to feel nourished, alive and loved, I needed to create my own sense of fullness in my life in very practical ways.

Positive affirmations are helpful, prayers, meditation, counseling and therapy groups—-are all very helpful but they will be like flushing your money down the toilet if you don’t take actions that communicate to yourself that you love yourself in the most practical of ways—by creating a great life—full of friends, community, goals, little ones, family, creative projects, missions, great environments, etc.

Can you imagine a man verbally proclaiming his undying love to you day after day, but he never keeps his word to you, nor introduces you to his family or nor stops seeing other women? Yet, we ourselves can nod yes to the fact that we love ourselves, but our actions don’t show it in our lives. And men take cues on how to love us by our own good self-treatment.

If you can relate to your life not being as fulfilling as you’d like right now—-what steps can you take to turn that around?

There are a million things you can do, but I’d like to offer you 3 areas where you can start:

1. Beautify - What is one “clean up” project that you’ve been putting off for a long time that you can take care of? This could be your garage, your bookshelf, your toenails, your car—-you name it, but having it done will make you feel better!

2. Ignite Passion - What is one hobby that you used to love so much that time would fly by without you noticing it? Sign up for the class, interview the mentor, get the supplies or equipment—-it’s not a waste of time!

3. Create a Thrill - What is something you’ve been thinking about doing, but it scares you a little bit (or a lot!) and it makes you very curious at the same time? It could be jumping out of a airplane, joining Toastmasters, starting up a side business, creating an online profile, or having that hard conversation with a friend. Take the risk!

Do something from each of these categories and you’ll start to notice how your emotional range begins to increase—you’ll start to feel a sense of pride, pleasure and the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone (and not dying!) All of these feelings will increase your sense of happiness, purpose and pleasure in your life. (Which become very attractive to a good partner for you!)

And the next time Mr. Rico Suave calls you up for a 9pm booty call, you’ll tell him you can’t because you’re auditioning for the musical Annie in the morning (or your new project). He’ll get that he needs to make more effort to see you and will step up or show himself to the door. Then surely, better quality men will show up to compete with your full life, with the intent to make it even better.

Kristen loves supporting women as they walk through dating or a breakup process. f you would like specific support to create a life you love so you can improve your love life, schedule a free 30 minutes chat here to learn more.

If Only He Would Text Me, I'd Feel Better

Just a moment ago, everything was right with the world. A good day at work, a surprise birthday gift from a friend, even your dog is behaving well, then you check your phone and feel a flash of anxiety in your gut.

There is a text message about your phone bill and not a peep from the guy you recently went out on 3 dates with.

When you first started communicating, he was texting you in the morning and wishing you goodnight before bed. Now it’s been almost 48 hours and nothing.

“Oh, this must be the end,” your thoughts start to spin, “I really thought we had potential.” “Maybe he thinks I’m not attractive enough.” “Maybe I talked too much on the last date,” as you feel a flush of familiar sadness come over you.

Then you feel compelled to reach out to him to push away the imminent sadness. “Maybe he is the kind of guy that is hesitant because he doubts I’m interested? I’ll just send him a quick text to open the conversation.”

You think of all possible good openers to reach out to him—-to thank him for your time together, to share a meme from the show that you talked about, or you could send him the link to a treatment for an ailment he told you about.

(Dear reader, if you’re in this place right now and about to reach out to a man—-STOP!)

Instead, I invite you to ponder the following.

Moments ago you felt fine—happy even— your worth was not at all on the line. You were enjoying your day—and then bam! A man’s certain inaction got your emotions all out of whack.

Yet on his side, you have no idea what’s going on for him. Maybe he’s on deadline at work, or he got sick or he needed a bit of introvert space.

Consider that your feelings (that feel so real!) more likely stem from your interpretation about what a man’s behavior means about you—rather than the reality.

Also, take a moment to get real with yourself be answering these questions:

1. What do I hope will happen if I reach out to this guy?

2. If I initiated the contact with him, would I feel better knowing that he was simply responding to me?

Most women with a feminine orientation want to know that a man’s thinking about them, they are desired, seen as special and worth a man’s effort and time.

If you reach out to him, you will not end up experiencing any of those things. You may get a positive response from him—but it could be because he’s bored, lonely or polite and you showed up to fill his time, so he went along with it.

But most of the time it won’t change a man’s mind about you because their interest grows in a woman when they sense feminine openness and take risks to connect with you.

If the man you’re dating reached out more at the beginning, but his frequency of contact has slowed down, it could be that he’s thinking things over, settling into a more realistic pace of connection or that he’s identified a reason that you’re not a match for him.

If any of those are the case—-you are still an amazing woman!—and you’ll be completely OK as you continue collecting data about this man based on how he’s showing up for you— without even needing to reach out or ask for get clarity.

If you’re desiring a man who sees something special in you and goes out of this way to show up consistently to make you feel safe and adored—-wouldn’t you want to give him the opportunity to demonstrate that to you?

—-and if you’re not experiencing that from a man or his level of effort has dropped off compared to the beginning—then that is also a great thing to observe because he’s helping you to make a good decision about him.

So hold off on that text! Grown men are excellent at knowing how to use their phones and if they are interested—they’ll go the extra mile to make sure you know it. So instead —go do something you love because you have the power to make yourself feel better!

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If you’d like to explore more reasons why a man isn’t showing up like he did at first—take my free 30 minute training course here.

When Loving You Doesn't Make You Love Me

As kids my brothers and I had a routine of scratching each other’s backs at bedtime. The deal was: I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine. It seemed like a fair system: apples for apples. This fairness (most of the time) led to harmony. My girl friends and I especially thrived in this system. There was a presumption, if I give you a stuffed bear for your birthday, you would give me a similar gift on mine.

This mindset carries into the world of womanhood. Alison Armstrong calls this behavior, precise reciprocity. It’s commonly understood between women that if a girlfriend invites her over to dinner one month, then she invites her friend over later on. Without explanation, this is natural behavior for women.

As adults however, when it comes to creating connection between men and women in a romantic partnership, this system of fairness changes. Understanding this nuance can save you A LOT of struggle in your relationship. Let me explain.

So when a woman is not experiencing the kind of care, affirmation or affection that she wants from her man, a woman’s instinct, is to attempt to get the love she needs by giving him the exact thing she wants.

She tells him that she’ll pick up the grocery items on his side of the household list for tomorrow night’s dinner because she knows he’s stressed out. When inside, she’s actually feeling overwhelmed and would really like him to offer to take a thing or two off her side of the list. She assumes that if he really loved her that she wouldn’t need to explain, presuming that he’ll respond in kind under the law of reciprocity.

However, most adult men aren’t aware of this law because they operate with a different sense of justice in the realm of relationships. They presume that if they do something for a woman and she appreciates it, then they are even. He doesn’t need her to buy him flowers in return for the ones he bought her. Instead he just wants to know that what he did served a purpose to make her life better—-that she appreciated what he gave her by eating the food or spending the money or feeling relaxed by the massage. To him that is an even exchange.

In fact if your man offers you a compliment and you turn around and offer him a compliment, he may just wonder why you couldn’t receive his compliment and let it energize you to go about your day. To give a compliment in return feels like a negation of his offer.

That’s why when a woman sets out to love a man in the way she would like to be loved and he just accepts it with no return gesture, she can get resentful. “He’s not doing what he should be doing!” All the while the man is appreciating her act of love by enjoying the gift.

As well, when he sees that you’re doing all the things, he is now less likely to do more. He thinks, why should he waste energy offering to make dinner when she’s already doing it? Men have a priority towards energy conservation so if something’s being taken care of, there is no need to spend effort towards it.

In fact “If you give more to a man, you will always get less. ” says John Grey, “It’s when men give more and women appreciate them more, that men bond with you. And when they bond with you they look for ways to please you.”

For women to be able to receive in this way without feeling like they had to do something first, they have to feel like ”I deserve it.” You don’t have to earn his love by giving—instead you need to believe that you’re worth receiving it and you embody your worth. A man will sense this and be happy to give to you what he is able to give.

So what can you do if you’re feeling like you would like a man to love you more in a specific way?

Here are 3 tips to consider:

• Stop Giving to Get - Take an inventory of where you notice yourself giving for the purpose of getting love back. A major clue is when you notice feeling resentful. Then stop doing those things.

• Ask for What You Would Like - Ask yourself what is the one thing I would love from my partner right now? How would it make you feel to receive that? How can I let my partner know? Ex. “It would feel like such a relief if I had your help picking up the kids from Karate on Tues and Thursday. What do you think?'“

• Practice Receiving - Whenever anyone gives you anything practice receiving it with your whole body—-what does it feel like to be worth their attention, time or resources—-how can you joyfully receive it with a smile or full body expression?

Putting these tips into practice, you’ll start to feel a big difference in both your internal peace and the harmony of the relationship.

If you’d like to feel more peaceful in your relationship, but is a whole lot harder to put into practice on your own, schedule a time to talk. Having support and accountability can help you make lasting changes that will astound you with the results. Schedule a time with me below.

Hey Baby, What's Your Attachment Style?

Most of us received tons of downloads from our family of origin: the foods we like, the way we groom ourselves, phrases we use to share excitement, the academic expectations we have, but none could be as determinant to our life’s satisfaction as our relational attachment style.

Our attachment style is imprinted into us by the kind of relational care and attentiveness we received as infants from our caregivers and it can play a major factor in our physical and relational health for the rest of our lives.

Whether you’re dating and trying to make sense of the feelings that you’re having while waiting for a man’s texts or you’re in a marriage where you feel terribly alone and not sure what to do about it—understanding attachment styles can help illuminate the dynamics you’re experiencing so that you can make better choices as to who and how you relate in your relationships.

The science of adult attachment defines 4 different attachment styles that help us to understand ourselves better, to understand our partners better and to know how we can navigate the experiences and reactions that we’re having in relationships. Each of these styles is related to the amount of security we feel to be able to be comfortable with or avoid intimacy.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

Alexa met Sam at the pool one summer and was drawn to him as she watched him lifeguard high on his stand with a confident aloofness. When he took the opportunity to spend one of his breaks with her one day, her stomach flew with butterflies at the thought of him being interested in her. He asked her to get burgers one evening, but from that point on, Alexa began to be the one who was most interested in keeping their connection going. Though they had fun together, she would anxiously wait to get his texts and not be able to focus at work. When they spent all weekend together, she couldn’t believe that afterwards he didn’t want to see her for a whole week. Her anxiety was so high, she didn’t know if she could tolerate being in a relationship where she felt so unsure of Sam’s desire to be with her.

Alexa has an anxious attachment style that causes her to feel insecure about another person wanting to be with her. Anxious attached people often fall for people that don’t give them the time of day or the kind who show up with intensity one day and drop off the next. Even though she feels bad while being with this type of partner, she doesn’t believe that she’ll be able to find anyone else as good. In cases like this they attempt to re-establish contact at any cost believing that contact will calm their anxiety.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

James and Karen have been dating for 2 months. At first he found Karen really attractive and felt she was a bit of a challenge to win over. However, once she started really taking an interest in spending most of her time with him, James began have major doubts about her. His mind started to jump to his past relationship or the woman at work that he enjoyed talking to so much on breaks. When Karen asked him where he saw the relationship going, he responded that he’s not sure that he’s ready for a relationship. When Karen accepted his answer and said that she wanted to date other men because she’s looking for a relationship, James began to miss her and reached out to her to spend time together again.

James has an avoidant attachment style where he uses distancing strategies to create space in the relationship where he grows uncomfortable with the amount of closeness. Avoidant attached people tend to use strategies such as thinking the grass was greener with an Ex, pulling away when things are going well, being unavailable to meet their partner’s needs, flirting with another to introduce insecurity, avoiding physical closeness, having an resistance to clarify a relationship etc. They have learned from childhood to suppress their needs for intimacy and maintain distance from people they love. Often it’s because they equate closeness with the feelings of engulfment or pain.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

Kristoff and Sara started out as friends. When Kristoff recognized his feelings for her, he asked her out on a date. Sara hadn’t thought of him that way, but she was open to getting to know him, even if he wasn’t the exact man she had in mind on her list of qualities. Over time, Sara found her feelings growing deeper towards Kristoff because of the way he was attentive to her needs and she felt free to be completely herself. She even appreciated how quickly they resolved conflict, because he had a way of showing up so consistently with her.

Kristoff and Sara are securely attached. A secure person feels comfortable with intimacy or closeness. They don’t obsess much with how the relationship is going or if their partner is going to love them back. When they encounter a problem, they want to resolve it and feel confident to do so. They tend to trust the other person more readily and not make the other person’s behavior mean something about their value. They are more free to incorporate playfulness, flexibility and sensitivity to their partner.

ANXIOUS/AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

This person is uncomfortable with closeness and is very concerned about a partner’s availability. This is a more uncommon attachment style that is a combination of anxious and avoidant. They have trouble trusting others for feelings of safety. They feel unworthy of support and presume that others won’t support them.

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As you read these, you’ll probably recognize one of these styles as your primary way of operating in relationships. While it’s been shown that people in secure relationships are often happier, deal with less drama, stress and resolve conflict more quickly—-if you don’t identify as secure—-there is hope to change your style!

The good news is that , with intentionality and hard work anxious and avoidant styles can experience healing in relationships that lead them to operate more securely. This requires both partners to have awareness around their styles, to understand the importance of working together for the benefit of the couple and each individual, while taking—at times—instinctively opposite actions to increase the feeling of safety in the relationship. For example the anxiously attached dater will best benefit from dating a securely attached partner (even though this may not be the person they area initially most attracted to) , because they will experience consistency, comfort and trustworthiness that can help them to heal the root causes of their anxiety.

As Annie Tanasugarn talks about the effects of attachment styles here, she says, “What we learn in life often sticks throughout our lives, for good or for bad. Until we choose to make those changes.”

So if you’re ready to choose differently, the next time you’re going out on a date or want to work to understand your partner better—it may be worth asking, “Hey Baby, What’s your attachment style?”

If you’d like support on your journey in shifting your attachment style to attract or create a more secure relationship, reach out here to experience a coaching conversation.

Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

Why Healing Allows Us to Live Balanced in Our Feminine Energy

Stacey grew up in a household where the men got most of the attention. Her mother found her value in making sure everyone else was OK, and she rarely expressed herself or her emotions. Stacey soon learned that opening her heart or expressing her feelings wasn’t worth the pain of going unseen so she learned to protect herself by stepping more into her masculine energy to get attention—by performing, “one-upping” her brothers, or trying to do things perfectly to prove her worth.

The problem was that Stacey felt very unseen. She was sensitive and felt emotions deeply, so when she learned to shut down that part of her — she lost a part of herself which limited access to her feminine energy. She also learned not to need too much because rarely did someone seem to respond to her non-physical needs. So she started to serve everyone else in lieu of recognizing her own needs or expressing how she felt.

As a result Stacey learned to live most of the time in her masculine energy - avoiding vulnerability, disconnecting from her desires/needs, closing down her expressiveness and awareness of her sensuality.

For women like Stacey who’ve shut down a lot of their feminine energy, they can practice behaviors to shift into their feminine energy—like self-care, pleasurable activities, sharing their feelings more etc., however, until a woman takes time to heal the root cause that led her to shut down her feminine energy, it will be hard for her to go there regularly.

Feminine energy naturally flows from a woman who is emotionally healthy, confident and accepts who she is. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or maintaining attraction with masculine men, it could be helpful to look into what needs to be healed.

When women heal the wounds that cause us to start self-protecting, shutting down—and basically turning off our feminine glow—then we start to glow again! And we are able to live balanced, like the Ying Yang symbol, where we spend the majority of our time in our feminine (the swish) with less time in our masculine (the dot). We can honor and enjoy the side of ourselves that is expressive or receptive and we can create structure and get things done when needed.

Yet, in today’s world, many women spend more time in the workforce where there are still more accolades for operating in masculine energy than feminine, and it can be easy for women who’ve shut down their feminine side to gain their value in performing, without exploring what could be underneath the lack of aliveness or passion in other areas of their lives.

Sadly this has negatively affected male/female partnerships because the woman is less available to be vulnerable with a man when she comes home to her partner. When she’s predominantly very busy, she’s less available to connect to her emotions, which can break down a romantic connection because a man is drawn win over a woman when he intuitively knows that she is comfortable in expressing her emotions. (Read more on Feminine energy and dating here.)

If you’re a woman that recognizes that you spend a lot of your energy in your masculine and you feel burnt out or unsatisfied in your relationships, here are some steps to consider as you seek healing for more balance:

1. Identify the Pain - Start to notice, where do you get defensive or easily offended in relationships. What triggers you or gets you upset? Where do you intend to communicate, but avoid following through? What is the story that comes up for you when you feel something, but have a hard time expressing it? It takes some personal exploration through journaling, hearing other people’s stories, or meeting with a therapist etc. to unravel the protective ways we’ve covered up our pain—but it’s worth every penny to spend the time identifying it.

2. Express Your Pain in a Safe/Supportive Environment - Find a safe person/people to share your pain. Whether a best friend, a recovery group, a counselor/coach, pastor etc. let yourself be seen in a place where you’ve held onto hurt—perhaps for years. To be human is to experience pain. The people who are safe to hold space for you will understand and feel trusted as you open up to them.

3. Take Responsibility for a New Choice - Decide that you don’t want to lived closed down any longer and that it’s worth it to feel the pain so that you can heal. Decide that you want to show up with all parts of you in your relationships, including valuing your feminine energy. This happens by taking the above healing steps AND choosing to consciously shift your energy into your feminine.

The best part about living balanced in our feminine energy is that it literally just feels better (it balances our hormones!). Imagine letting go of trying so hard at life and trying to prove your worth. You—my Queen Bee—are intrinsically worthy of that.

If you’d like support getting to the root of your healing through coaching conversations and help to practically live balanced in your feminine/masculine energy, set up a time to chat with me here.

If You Spot It, You've Probably Got It

One of the fascinating ironies about humans is that we often think it’s easier to change other people, rather than change ourselves. When actually it’s completely out of our control to ever change other people.

Take for example, while dating, a man shares about how often he works with a woman. The woman concludes this man is a workaholic and she sees it as an invitation for her to help him to stop working as much. She fantasizes that her love will inspire him to change so that he’d spend more time with her. While this sounds well-intentioned—it’s actually setting herself up for major disappointment, because she will never be able to make him change.

This woman will most likely experience disappointment because one day her fantasy that she’ll be able to change him will burst. Yet if she uses the pain to become self-aware, she may realize that the very issue she saw so clearly in her partner, is actually the work she needs to tend to in herself.

Personally, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror a handful of times, while judging an ex’s problem, and saw a similar ugly problem looking right back at me. Sure it may not have looked the same as their XYZ issue, but I recognized that I got the same root of their issue, with a different manifestation.

It can be alluring to try to change the other person, because it helps us to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of facing our own “not so pretty” problems. For example, If a man gets caught up in “Miss Drama’s” world where she’s always running out of money or mismanaging her schedule or reacting in excessive outbursts, it can make him feel good to think that he can try to rescue her. But he ends up looking like a juggler that tosses all 5 of their balls in the air and scrambles to catch none. While scrambling after balls, he thinks he’s avoided feeling his own depression.

This rescue mode feels good in the moment because we are creating a connection through that person’s dependency on us. And if they become “dependent” on us to meet a responsibility that is theirs alone to meet, then it seemingly lowers the risk of them rejecting or abandoning us.

It is a way of protecting ourselves from the fear of not being lovable enough so we make ourselves worthy by rescuing. This way the connection is formed based on one-way give and take, not on mutual giving or risking vulnerability. The one being rescued may stay for a while because you’re making it easier for them, but they don’t offer genuine love—and you end up resentful—becase you never see the change or “payback” in the relationship for all the investment you’ve made.

If you can relate to this pattern in your relationships, there is hope that you can stop the pattern in order to create mutual, supportive, and emotionally available relationships. When you recognize the pattern, there’s hope of creating a relationship where you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are and both persons have a vested interest in meeting the needs of the person, instead of trying to change them.

If you’re in one of these relationships or have a past relationship with this dynamic, here are 3 tips for starting your change process:

1. Notice Where You Are Rescuing Them and Stop - What’s common in many healing processes is the first step to acknowledgement the problem. Do you notice when you tend to rescue someone? What prompts you to do it? What makes it hard to stop? How is it serving you to try to rescue them?

2. Identify What Feelings You’ve Been Avoiding When You Stop - What comes up for you emotionally when you decide to change the behavior you’d normally do? What kinds of sensation do you feel? What kinds of compulsions do you notice?

3. Use the Problem(s) that You Spotted in Them to Discover Your Own Work - What are the problems that you normally are drawn to fix in others? —-Lack of presence, over-working, substance abuse, criticism, manipulation, avoidance, anxiety, depression. See if you have a similar manifestation of the same problem. For example, someone could be drawn to very self-centered people and while they don’t seem selfish, they use their sacrificial serving others as a selfish way to win approval.

If you’re feeling down on yourself because you’re currently facing the disappointing reality that the person you’ve been with will never change to be the person you need in a relationship, it may be a good time to let all the issues you spotted in your partner be a starting point for you to explore your own areas of growth to make this or your next relationship even better.

If you’re noticing these patterns and would like outside support to get clarity and help on your next steps towards healing and growth, set up a complimentary hour coaching conversation here.

As I Graduate: Three Things I've Learned About Relationships

Celebrating Graduation via Zoom

Looking at my track record with relationships, it’s too bad that I didn’t stumble upon The Relationship School earlier in life. With good reason, their tagline is “the most important education you never received in school”. I grew up with the cultural mindset that relationship skills just automatically update as we mature, only when I found myself wrestling with the paralyzing fear of rejection and unsure of how to navigate it in relationships, I figured I missed the update.

It’s assumed that we pick up relationship skills naturally from our family of origin. And we do. We pick up our caregivers best attempts to pass on what they know. And sometimes what they know is hit or miss when it comes to entering and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship.

Maybe you can relate if you’ve been kicking yourself because you haven’t been able to pull off this healthy relationship thing—all the while you’ve never really learned how to do it. It seems cruel to fault ourselves for guidance we lacked.

That’s why making time to study relationship skills from great mentors and practicing skills in a safe context with classmates felt very empowering. I experienced what a difference it makes to feel more at ease in myself and communicate in a way that can be received better by others.

As I made my way towards graduation to receive my certification as a Relationship Coach last weekend, I wanted to honor my time at The Relationship School by sharing three (of the many!) of insights that I gained about relationships.

Everybody’s Got Flaws, Embrace Yours

If you are remotely self-reflective and a member of the human race, you are aware that you have at least one weak area when it comes to relationships. The trouble is, us self-aware types can spend a lot of energy working to eliminate our weaknesses or try to manage them so that they don’t slip out and cause us to lose connection. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fake perfectionism only to push people away. However, not only are my flaws a part of me, but having the particular set of flaws that I do has allowed me to get stronger in other ways as I’ve had to navigate life with them.

For example, I fear speaking up in a group setting for fear of being judged. As I practiced doing this more and more, I found greater self-confidence in facing my fear that I wouldn’t survive others’ criticism. My peers also got to watch me with pride as I stepped into this area of growth. I realize that the fear of speaking up in a group may never fully subside, but I embrace that the work I need to do to face it is building my own feelings of self-competence. As a result I can love myself there and have a lot more compassion for others working with their flaws.

Instead of Focusing on People Disappointing You, Own Your Part

As someone who can get easily ruffled by the other person not meeting my expectation in a relationship, I’ve learned how important it is to take space to evaluate my part in any dynamic that I’m experiencing. If I am focused too much on how the other person isn’t living up to my expectations I will be disappointed most of the time. However, if I look into what part I played, I have the control to change me. That leads me to feeling empowered and helps me to avoid feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions or behaviors to define myself.

So when I start to get frustrated because a guy I’m dating hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours, instead of presuming I’m not valuable, I can examine why I’m so upset. I may be upset because I gave my power over to him to define me by what actions he takes. Or maybe I didn’t share my preferences about what is important for me and I’m expecting him to read my mind. If I can tune into my own feelings, investigate and work on my own stuff, it brings clarity to be able to communicate better—instead of stewing in frustration.

Feel Shaky? Lead with Vulnerability

Lastly, one of the most helpful and challenging lessons I’ve learned is that when I feel shaky to communicate something challenging with another person, it’s good to lead with vulnerability. When we open with vulnerability, it allows the other person to see us authentically and invites them to meet us with authenticity. It opens a door for them to respond compassionately and honestly when it may be a difficult conversation to have.

It could look like,“I’m feeling awkward about continuing in the silence right now when I sense we’re a both feeling big feelings, it feels scary to break the silence, could I share with you what’s coming up for me right now?” When we name what’s going on for us, it’s helps to diffuse the intensity of what we’re feeling so that we can stay grounded as we go on to share our thoughts and feelings with someone. So try it!—next time you’re about to bring up something challenging with a boss or partner, lead with, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous to share this with you…”

Learning these skills at first is like acquiring knowledge that takes time to practice until I can embody the concepts and feel their full benefit in my relationships. As a Relationship School graduate I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned, more grateful for the friends I’ve met and most grateful for the experience of relationship coaching that has helped me to transform my relationships, with myself and others—so that now I can help you experience transformation in yours.

If you’re curious to experience relationship coaching and move past a place you feel stuck in your relationships on your own. Save your spot for a complimentary first session here.

How to Lean Towards Relationships When Stress is Leading You Away

Rachel sits at home petting her cat. She is finding it hard to focus these days with the world experiencing a global pandemic. Only a few weeks ago her biggest concerns were the tension at work with her boss and whether that cute guy at her gym would ask her out. Now she doesn’t see either of them.

Now her concerns feel more serious. How will she make it being isolated alone for months? She worries about losing her job because many co-workers have lost theirs. Now she’s expected to do more work at home in the same about of time. And her dating life? Well, all this stress has her pushing it aside. She thinks, “Why would I want to add any more crazy feelings of anxiety to my life when I’m already feeling on edge about everything?” She kisses her cat and turns on another episode of Love is Blind.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? That when we feel a lot of stress that we want to avoid any potential feelings of discomfort in dating and relationships. I’m the first to admit that I’ve avoided relationships in my life so I wouldn’t have to risk confronting issues and feeling bad. However, pulling away from relationships at times has left me feeling painfully alone.

It’s understandable that we react this way if we’ve experienced past relationships where we felt unsafe or rejected. If you’ve had bad experiences in relationships in the past, of course you’d fear entering a relationship that could bring more feelings of insecurity, rejection or pain.

When we attempt to self-protect from feeling that kind of pain again, instead of seeking healing and moving toward a relationship, we actually miss out on the potential benefits of a good partnership. Supportive partnerships are known to lower stress levels in difficult circumstances, provide more physical contact with direct health benefits and give us opportunities to work through interpersonal communication in order to experience exponential growth beyond what any self-help book could do.

However, even if we know this to be true, why, for some of us, does it become hard to lean towards a partnership in the middle of stressful times? Even while we’re in a partnership we can become more reactive to our partners and therefore pulling away, manipulating or blaming others for the intense feelings that we’re not so sure how to deal with on our own.

So whether you’re avoiding partnership altogether or find yourself pulling away in a partnership now that you’re spending more time together in the quarantine, here are a few suggestions to consider in order to lean towards relationships so that you can experience their live-giving benefits in a crisis:

1. Ask a Safe Person in Your Life to Listen - Whether you’re single or in a partnership, reach out to a safe person in your life and ask them if you can share honestly what you are experiencing right now. Ask them if they’ll give you 10 minutes to just listen and be willing to share what emotions are coming up for you so that you can be heard. In expressing yourself honestly, you are letting another person into your life and validating that what you’re experiencing is normal. While this seems simple, it can feel challenging to let yourself receive the emotional support that you need right now, believing that others are busy with their own problems. But it’s surprising what people are willing to give us when we ask for exactly what we need.

2. Let Your Emotions Move Through You - Moving towards relationships often requires first moving towards ourselves. What are we feeling now as we sit at home without our normal activities, distractions or numbing habits? Can you get in touch with what’s really going on when you say now is not the time for you to date? What do you really want from your partner right now? How did what your partner say honestly impact you? It can be easy under stress to default to ignoring our own emotions or trying to caretake everyone else’s emotions to avoid tuning into your own. How can you give yourself time to feel? You won’t feel angry or sad or alone for ever—emotions are meant to be felt and to move through you.

3. Take One Step Towards Relationship - Is there something that you normally resist doing in relationships because it feels too edgy? Maybe it’s sharing one level more intimately with a guy on a video date. Maybe it’s admitting first to a partner that you were wrong. What would it look like for you to decide to take one step towards relationship? This can be challenging if you are already feeling stress, but what if taking this step could result in a deeper connection that would support you emotionally and physically in this time—wouldn’t that be worth it?

4. Get Support to Do Something New - If you feel stuck because your relationships aren’t working, often getting support helps to do something different than what you’ve always done. Get the support of a friend before you decide to have that hard conversation with a partner about handling the kids. You could join a singles dating group, where you meet regularly to share your online dating experiences. Maybe it’s time to get professional support to work through your anxiety around men that paralyzes you from moving forward in a relationship. Whatever it is, getting support demonstrates a strength that you’re willing to give yourself what you need so that you can create a supportive relationship.

So if you’re hunkered down with your cat, enjoying the simplicity of their furry companionship, but deep down yearning to have more engaging conversations with a partner who gets you or have a nurturing physical connection with a partner that soothes your nervous system in stressful times, maybe it’s time to consider what ONE step you can take today to lean in towards relationship. Because while clothes, food, shelter, health, and furry companions are wonderful, what makes life meaningful amidst suffering is love.

From now until May 8th, I’m offering ten individual coaching sessions around a relationship challenge you may be experiencing in the COVID quarantine. Click here to answer a few questions to reserve your session.

Anxious? Shift Into Your Feminine Energy

I’m not generally a very anxious person, but when it comes to dating, I’ve had more than my fair share of anxiety. In fact it got so bad in grad school that when a guy I had crush on was coming over, I had to have my housemate sit on me for 20 minutes because I was shaking so hard that I couldn’t calm down.

So I get it If you’ve been dating and feeling anxiety come as you navigate your experiences. Especially right now when our whole world has been thrown into major changes from the Corona Virus, it’s likely a lot of human beings are experiencing anxiety from the uncertainty of their financial security, relationships and health.

If you’re someone who’s been feeling quite anxious to the point of overwhelm, especially when related to dating, I’m going to share a few reasons why this happens and how shifting into your feminine energy can help.

If you get anxious in dating you may recognize that certain situations trigger you. This can happen:

1. When a person pulls away, doesn’t text or call you back - Maybe the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates went really well and you started to think, maybe this could be your guy, but then it drops off suddenly and you don’t hear from him at all. You text him to check in, but he doesn’t respond for 2 days. The anxiety kicks in.

2. When you’re not getting what you need- When you know that you want a person who talks respectfully about his mom or who pays attention to details to make sure you feel good on a date or calls you consistently throughout the week, but you’re not getting that. You come up with reasons why he’s that way and ignore honoring what would feel good for you. The anxiety kicks in.

3. When you’re not being yourself- Your date takes you to a restaurant with bacon in every dish, but you’re vegan, you don’t speak up and instead try to make it work for you. You laugh at his jokes that are partially offensive. You cancel your favorite gym class to spend time with him. These can be the start of compromising in small ways who you really are. You put in a lot of effort to be someone you think your date would like. The anxiety kicks in.

4. When they don’t seem as into you are you are into them- Are you waiting by your phone to see his text pop up? Did he tell you he wasn’t sure about when he’d be free this week? Does he not seem sure about the kind of relationship he wants or his contact has been “on” one week and “off” the next 2 weeks? If you’ve got strong feelings for a guy that isn’t making you a priority with his communication nor taking action to be with you. The anxiety kicks in.

5. When you are fantasizing about who a guy really is- You’ve gone on 2 dates with this guy and you are imaging how great he’d be playing with the daughter that you’ve always wanted. So you stop entertaining all other date options and start to focus only on him. But you don’t really even know who he is yet. The anxiety kicks in.

In each of these scenarios a woman gives her value over to another person for them to define her. She is usually making meaning of a man’s behavior and letting it dictate whether she is worthy, lovable or attractive enough to get the love that she desires.

When we are giving another person the power to define our worth, we stop drawing our innate value from who we are—the amazing, uniquely beautiful, talented, sensual, funny, light-hearted, compassionate, resourceful, creative woman that we are. When we don’t stand in our innate value, we tend to go more into our masculine energy, which is about making things happen and fixing things. We start to feel anxious in order to not feel the emotions that are coming up, which is suppressing our feminine nature that naturally feels emotions easily. This causes problems in our experiences with men, because they can sense that action oriented energy is covering up for our lack of belief in our own value.

On the other hand, when we stand in the truth of our worth as women, we shift into the power of our feminine energy.

A woman in her feminine energy knows that her essential being is valuable, powerful and desirable. There is nothing that she has to do to earn or gain the affection of a man or anyone else in her life. While the masculine energy takes action and makes things happen to attract a partner, the feminine rests in her value, which looks like honoring her feelings, speaking up about her desires, honoring her body and the intuitive information that it gives her. The feminine takes time to go inward to see what she is feeling. Instead of keeping herself busy and doing activities to numb their feelings, she tunes in to give herself time to feel and then acts on what feels good or creates boundaries around what feels bad.

So shifting into this feminine energy can help us to overcome anxiety in many ways, here are 3 specific ideas:

1. Resting in Your Value - Whether that means telling yourself the truth about your value daily or reminding yourself in the face of a financial crisis that you are worthy to receive the things that you need. Start to see yourself as the prize that a man gets to have when he treats you in the way that feels good, nourishing and creates security for you. Then qualify the man—is he good enough for you? Do you want him as he is?

2. Get Curious - what am I feeling about this experience?—write down all the feelings. Where is this feeling coming from? Instead of reaching for your phone to call a guy in attempts to relieve yourself from the unbearable anxiety that he’s not texting you, how can you sit with yourself and get curious about your feelings?

3. Notice Your Body’s Intuition - Notice when you start to feel tension around your heart or start to clench in your pelvis or when your gut feels like it’s tied in knots. Then close your eyes and ask yourself - what is my body telling me right now. So often our bodies have wisdom for us about a dating situation before we realize that wisdom on a conscious level.

Once we gain awareness of the experiences that cause the anxiety to kick in for us, it can be helpful to start to take steps to both increase our own sense of self-worth as well as taking time to check in with what’s coming up for us in our feeling space.

When anxiety comes on, it can be a way to numb our emotions. When this happens we sometimes want to make the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety go away by going into our masculine energy. For instance we think by taking action to get a man’s response we’ll feel better. However, it’s rare that we ever feel better when we grasp at getting a man’s attention, instead of resting in the knowledge that we deserve what we actually want—for the guy to freely choose to reach out to us because he wants to. He is free to choose and we are assured of our value no matter what happens.

If you're experiencing anxiety and having trouble getting to the root of it on your own, it can be helpful to get support explore ways to shift into your feminine energy. Schedule a coaching session below to feel calmer and confident in your relationships.