“He loves me….he loves me not.” This game started centuries ago, played in hundreds of childhoods, in an attempt to get an outside confirmation of a sign about a guy’s interest.
It seems natural that women would invent such a game because when we catch feelings for a guy, it can bring on a roller coaster of uneasy and intense feelings. While we are being tossed around by the emotions, it feels normal to want to seek out some kind of grounding assurance - we want to know, metaphorically speaking, that if I throw my heart out of a 20 story window, can I risk that it will be caught safely by this man and not break?
Because the potential loss for opening our hearts can seem to have that high of stakes.
I believe that’s why we can start to wane more spiritual when we catch feelings for a guy. I mean instead of taking the greater risk to outright ask and risk immediate rejection, it makes sense to seek out an answer in the form of signs sent from an All Knowing Being to guide you.
Looking for signs made perfect sense to me as I dated men in the past. I’d come home after a date with butterflies in my stomach until I remembered how he said that one thing that showed me our major values didn’t line up. I then felt such inner conflict between my desires and sense of logic, that I’d start to look for signs to confirm that it was a good idea to continue, in spite of my best sensibilities.
It went something like this:
“It must be a sign that right after I journaled about wanting to date someone this summer, we just happened to show up at the same time at that coffee shop today. The bumper sticker on his car is the exact one that I saw when I was dreaming about my next boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. It just seems like I keep getting signs that he’s meant for me.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am a spiritual person and rely on God regularly for guidance. I think that’s a great thing. But in cases of uncertainty about a relationship, I’ve become highly suspicious about signs.
I say that because especially in matters of the heart, when our chemistry kicks in and our heart wants what it wants - it can be so easy to look for signs that confirm why seeking momentary pleasure in a relationship (that shows warning signs for long-term disaster) is a still a good idea.
When I was the most unhealthy in my relationships, I tended to rely on signs the most to “make decisions for me”. It was a way of abdicating responsibility in my own life, thinking on some level that if I was just following the signs from God, then I wouldn’t be held responsible for the consequences.
Since then I’ve come to believe that the best guidance when deciding about a relationship is practical and earthy.
I mean it could be so boringly down to earth as you both have the exact timeline on your calendar for wanting kids.
So the next time you find yourself wondering about what to do about a certain man in your life, I’d say forget the signs, keep the flowers and instead ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel in this man’s presence? Do I feel safe, like myself, uninhibited, inspired, or energized? Or do I feel anxious, worried, conflicted, hurt, or confused?
What are his actions telling me about his level of interest?
Do my values and his line up in the areas that I am not willing to compromise on?
Do key people in my life feel good about me being with him or not?
Do we share a common vision/life direction in the areas that are important to us? Kids, living situation, mission, goals
If you find that these things line up in your process towards finding a long-term mate - then I’d say those are pretty good signs! (the earthy kind=)