Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

Why Healing Allows Us to Live Balanced in Our Feminine Energy

Stacey grew up in a household where the men got most of the attention. Her mother found her value in making sure everyone else was OK, and she rarely expressed herself or her emotions. Stacey soon learned that opening her heart or expressing her feelings wasn’t worth the pain of going unseen so she learned to protect herself by stepping more into her masculine energy to get attention—by performing, “one-upping” her brothers, or trying to do things perfectly to prove her worth.

The problem was that Stacey felt very unseen. She was sensitive and felt emotions deeply, so when she learned to shut down that part of her — she lost a part of herself which limited access to her feminine energy. She also learned not to need too much because rarely did someone seem to respond to her non-physical needs. So she started to serve everyone else in lieu of recognizing her own needs or expressing how she felt.

As a result Stacey learned to live most of the time in her masculine energy - avoiding vulnerability, disconnecting from her desires/needs, closing down her expressiveness and awareness of her sensuality.

For women like Stacey who’ve shut down a lot of their feminine energy, they can practice behaviors to shift into their feminine energy—like self-care, pleasurable activities, sharing their feelings more etc., however, until a woman takes time to heal the root cause that led her to shut down her feminine energy, it will be hard for her to go there regularly.

Feminine energy naturally flows from a woman who is emotionally healthy, confident and accepts who she is. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or maintaining attraction with masculine men, it could be helpful to look into what needs to be healed.

When women heal the wounds that cause us to start self-protecting, shutting down—and basically turning off our feminine glow—then we start to glow again! And we are able to live balanced, like the Ying Yang symbol, where we spend the majority of our time in our feminine (the swish) with less time in our masculine (the dot). We can honor and enjoy the side of ourselves that is expressive or receptive and we can create structure and get things done when needed.

Yet, in today’s world, many women spend more time in the workforce where there are still more accolades for operating in masculine energy than feminine, and it can be easy for women who’ve shut down their feminine side to gain their value in performing, without exploring what could be underneath the lack of aliveness or passion in other areas of their lives.

Sadly this has negatively affected male/female partnerships because the woman is less available to be vulnerable with a man when she comes home to her partner. When she’s predominantly very busy, she’s less available to connect to her emotions, which can break down a romantic connection because a man is drawn win over a woman when he intuitively knows that she is comfortable in expressing her emotions. (Read more on Feminine energy and dating here.)

If you’re a woman that recognizes that you spend a lot of your energy in your masculine and you feel burnt out or unsatisfied in your relationships, here are some steps to consider as you seek healing for more balance:

1. Identify the Pain - Start to notice, where do you get defensive or easily offended in relationships. What triggers you or gets you upset? Where do you intend to communicate, but avoid following through? What is the story that comes up for you when you feel something, but have a hard time expressing it? It takes some personal exploration through journaling, hearing other people’s stories, or meeting with a therapist etc. to unravel the protective ways we’ve covered up our pain—but it’s worth every penny to spend the time identifying it.

2. Express Your Pain in a Safe/Supportive Environment - Find a safe person/people to share your pain. Whether a best friend, a recovery group, a counselor/coach, pastor etc. let yourself be seen in a place where you’ve held onto hurt—perhaps for years. To be human is to experience pain. The people who are safe to hold space for you will understand and feel trusted as you open up to them.

3. Take Responsibility for a New Choice - Decide that you don’t want to lived closed down any longer and that it’s worth it to feel the pain so that you can heal. Decide that you want to show up with all parts of you in your relationships, including valuing your feminine energy. This happens by taking the above healing steps AND choosing to consciously shift your energy into your feminine.

The best part about living balanced in our feminine energy is that it literally just feels better (it balances our hormones!). Imagine letting go of trying so hard at life and trying to prove your worth. You—my Queen Bee—are intrinsically worthy of that.

If you’d like support getting to the root of your healing through coaching conversations and help to practically live balanced in your feminine/masculine energy, set up a time to chat with me here.

If You Spot It, You've Probably Got It

One of the fascinating ironies about humans is that we often think it’s easier to change other people, rather than change ourselves. When actually it’s completely out of our control to ever change other people.

Take for example, while dating, a man shares about how often he works with a woman. The woman concludes this man is a workaholic and she sees it as an invitation for her to help him to stop working as much. She fantasizes that her love will inspire him to change so that he’d spend more time with her. While this sounds well-intentioned—it’s actually setting herself up for major disappointment, because she will never be able to make him change.

This woman will most likely experience disappointment because one day her fantasy that she’ll be able to change him will burst. Yet if she uses the pain to become self-aware, she may realize that the very issue she saw so clearly in her partner, is actually the work she needs to tend to in herself.

Personally, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror a handful of times, while judging an ex’s problem, and saw a similar ugly problem looking right back at me. Sure it may not have looked the same as their XYZ issue, but I recognized that I got the same root of their issue, with a different manifestation.

It can be alluring to try to change the other person, because it helps us to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of facing our own “not so pretty” problems. For example, If a man gets caught up in “Miss Drama’s” world where she’s always running out of money or mismanaging her schedule or reacting in excessive outbursts, it can make him feel good to think that he can try to rescue her. But he ends up looking like a juggler that tosses all 5 of their balls in the air and scrambles to catch none. While scrambling after balls, he thinks he’s avoided feeling his own depression.

This rescue mode feels good in the moment because we are creating a connection through that person’s dependency on us. And if they become “dependent” on us to meet a responsibility that is theirs alone to meet, then it seemingly lowers the risk of them rejecting or abandoning us.

It is a way of protecting ourselves from the fear of not being lovable enough so we make ourselves worthy by rescuing. This way the connection is formed based on one-way give and take, not on mutual giving or risking vulnerability. The one being rescued may stay for a while because you’re making it easier for them, but they don’t offer genuine love—and you end up resentful—becase you never see the change or “payback” in the relationship for all the investment you’ve made.

If you can relate to this pattern in your relationships, there is hope that you can stop the pattern in order to create mutual, supportive, and emotionally available relationships. When you recognize the pattern, there’s hope of creating a relationship where you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are and both persons have a vested interest in meeting the needs of the person, instead of trying to change them.

If you’re in one of these relationships or have a past relationship with this dynamic, here are 3 tips for starting your change process:

1. Notice Where You Are Rescuing Them and Stop - What’s common in many healing processes is the first step to acknowledgement the problem. Do you notice when you tend to rescue someone? What prompts you to do it? What makes it hard to stop? How is it serving you to try to rescue them?

2. Identify What Feelings You’ve Been Avoiding When You Stop - What comes up for you emotionally when you decide to change the behavior you’d normally do? What kinds of sensation do you feel? What kinds of compulsions do you notice?

3. Use the Problem(s) that You Spotted in Them to Discover Your Own Work - What are the problems that you normally are drawn to fix in others? —-Lack of presence, over-working, substance abuse, criticism, manipulation, avoidance, anxiety, depression. See if you have a similar manifestation of the same problem. For example, someone could be drawn to very self-centered people and while they don’t seem selfish, they use their sacrificial serving others as a selfish way to win approval.

If you’re feeling down on yourself because you’re currently facing the disappointing reality that the person you’ve been with will never change to be the person you need in a relationship, it may be a good time to let all the issues you spotted in your partner be a starting point for you to explore your own areas of growth to make this or your next relationship even better.

If you’re noticing these patterns and would like outside support to get clarity and help on your next steps towards healing and growth, set up a complimentary hour coaching conversation here.

As I Graduate: Three Things I've Learned About Relationships

Celebrating Graduation via Zoom

Looking at my track record with relationships, it’s too bad that I didn’t stumble upon The Relationship School earlier in life. With good reason, their tagline is “the most important education you never received in school”. I grew up with the cultural mindset that relationship skills just automatically update as we mature, only when I found myself wrestling with the paralyzing fear of rejection and unsure of how to navigate it in relationships, I figured I missed the update.

It’s assumed that we pick up relationship skills naturally from our family of origin. And we do. We pick up our caregivers best attempts to pass on what they know. And sometimes what they know is hit or miss when it comes to entering and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship.

Maybe you can relate if you’ve been kicking yourself because you haven’t been able to pull off this healthy relationship thing—all the while you’ve never really learned how to do it. It seems cruel to fault ourselves for guidance we lacked.

That’s why making time to study relationship skills from great mentors and practicing skills in a safe context with classmates felt very empowering. I experienced what a difference it makes to feel more at ease in myself and communicate in a way that can be received better by others.

As I made my way towards graduation to receive my certification as a Relationship Coach last weekend, I wanted to honor my time at The Relationship School by sharing three (of the many!) of insights that I gained about relationships.

Everybody’s Got Flaws, Embrace Yours

If you are remotely self-reflective and a member of the human race, you are aware that you have at least one weak area when it comes to relationships. The trouble is, us self-aware types can spend a lot of energy working to eliminate our weaknesses or try to manage them so that they don’t slip out and cause us to lose connection. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fake perfectionism only to push people away. However, not only are my flaws a part of me, but having the particular set of flaws that I do has allowed me to get stronger in other ways as I’ve had to navigate life with them.

For example, I fear speaking up in a group setting for fear of being judged. As I practiced doing this more and more, I found greater self-confidence in facing my fear that I wouldn’t survive others’ criticism. My peers also got to watch me with pride as I stepped into this area of growth. I realize that the fear of speaking up in a group may never fully subside, but I embrace that the work I need to do to face it is building my own feelings of self-competence. As a result I can love myself there and have a lot more compassion for others working with their flaws.

Instead of Focusing on People Disappointing You, Own Your Part

As someone who can get easily ruffled by the other person not meeting my expectation in a relationship, I’ve learned how important it is to take space to evaluate my part in any dynamic that I’m experiencing. If I am focused too much on how the other person isn’t living up to my expectations I will be disappointed most of the time. However, if I look into what part I played, I have the control to change me. That leads me to feeling empowered and helps me to avoid feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions or behaviors to define myself.

So when I start to get frustrated because a guy I’m dating hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours, instead of presuming I’m not valuable, I can examine why I’m so upset. I may be upset because I gave my power over to him to define me by what actions he takes. Or maybe I didn’t share my preferences about what is important for me and I’m expecting him to read my mind. If I can tune into my own feelings, investigate and work on my own stuff, it brings clarity to be able to communicate better—instead of stewing in frustration.

Feel Shaky? Lead with Vulnerability

Lastly, one of the most helpful and challenging lessons I’ve learned is that when I feel shaky to communicate something challenging with another person, it’s good to lead with vulnerability. When we open with vulnerability, it allows the other person to see us authentically and invites them to meet us with authenticity. It opens a door for them to respond compassionately and honestly when it may be a difficult conversation to have.

It could look like,“I’m feeling awkward about continuing in the silence right now when I sense we’re a both feeling big feelings, it feels scary to break the silence, could I share with you what’s coming up for me right now?” When we name what’s going on for us, it’s helps to diffuse the intensity of what we’re feeling so that we can stay grounded as we go on to share our thoughts and feelings with someone. So try it!—next time you’re about to bring up something challenging with a boss or partner, lead with, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous to share this with you…”

Learning these skills at first is like acquiring knowledge that takes time to practice until I can embody the concepts and feel their full benefit in my relationships. As a Relationship School graduate I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned, more grateful for the friends I’ve met and most grateful for the experience of relationship coaching that has helped me to transform my relationships, with myself and others—so that now I can help you experience transformation in yours.

If you’re curious to experience relationship coaching and move past a place you feel stuck in your relationships on your own. Save your spot for a complimentary first session here.

Tune into the Most Important Heart This Valentine's --Yours

I know you’ve been feeling it—-those cringes of resistance, sadness, regret, fear, or mourning. If you’re not in the place you’d like to be in your relationship space, it’s no surprise that all the heart mugs, sweethearts candies and gushy pink cards in your face start to bring on a variety of feelings as our culture celebrates Valentine’s.

As a single I’ve felt for a minute like Valentine’s transports me back to a middle school dance, when people are partnering up and you’re looking around to wondering if there’s someone there choosing you. This time of year the awareness of a single’s relationship status goes on hyper drive; the amount of online dating activity surges, ex-boyfriends may come around with a HYD text, you start to consider whether you should give that guy that you’ve had a crush on at work a nice note in a variation of red that day.

In many ways all the color and candy and affection can be fun.

It also can be tempting at times to want to distract yourself by planning a dynamic Galentine’s event with your friends or burying your face in a bush for the day.

SO if that’s you, trying to ward off feeling any challenging emotions coming up, then maybe it’s time to tune into the most important heart—which is Yours.

The heart is the wellspring of our emotional life and therefore our romantic life. If you’re not in a place where you’d like to be romantically, I challenge you to try connecting to your heart first.

Here are three good ways to tune into what’s up for you in your heart space this Valentine’s season:

1. Give Yourself a Set Time of Silence - Set aside 10, 20, 40 minutes with a timer to just be silent and listen. Close your eyes, focus on your breathing. Notice sensations you’re feeling, notice your compulsion to distract yourself, notice what emotions come up, notice what desires or visions or ideas come up.

2. Write Down What You Noticed - Writing is a way we can “listen” to ourselves. Write down what you noticed in the silence. Tell yourself what you heard. What is your heart trying to tell you?

3. Ask a Friend to Give You a Time of Solid Listening - Call a friend to see if they’re up for meeting for coffee because you need to process through something. Ask them to listen to you for a set amount of time, no interruptions, so that you can talk out what is going on in your heart. If they can, ask them to reflect back what they heard you say. We can learn a lot about ourselves and what’s going on in our hearts by simple reflective listening.

These are great practices for anytime to prepare to make your love life better. And when the day comes that you discover that your crush likes you back. Then you’ll be able to go deeper with another as the currency of love is our heart’s ability to offer and receive love. You will be all the more rich in connection to yourself and your ability to communicate to a partner in a way that will set a great foundation for your future relationship life.

If you’d like more help tuning into your heart or finding out what may have you feeling blocked or stuck. I’m happy to support you on your journey to love. Schedule a time to talk here.

Navigating a New Relationship Through the Holidays

It’s your fourth date. You’ve spent an entire Saturday together and you can’t believe how much you enjoy this guy’s company. He’s driving you back to your place, when you start talking about each other’s plans next week for Thanksgiving. He has family in town. Your family is a plane ride away and you don’t usually go home for Thanksgiving. He tells you about how fun it is when his family plays board games and charades after they eat. “That sounds so fun!” you say. Then there is a quiet, awkward pause.

Is is too soon after the 4th date to invite a person you just met to join your family at Thanksgiving or accept such an invitation?

There is no one correct answer to that question. But here are a four things to consider as you navigate this kind of invitation and other situations with new dating relationships around the holidays.

Sometimes when the Merry Bells are ringing and the Eggnog is aplenty with romantic songs and getting cozy by a fire, it can create a desire to fill in the fantasy of the season with an added on romance. So the first thing to keep in mind is:

1. Don’t let the holiday festivity pull you into deeper feelings about this person than what reflect what is actually happening in the relationship. Sure, festive activities like ice skating or Christmas markets can make for a fun time. Keep tuning into how you really feel when you are with this person and act according to your level of interest, instead of living in the fantasy that this person completes your snowy white Christmas scene.

2. Keep things real. Communicate about your expectations around gifts, attending each other’s work parties etc. Let them know that you are enjoying getting to know them and if you decide it’s too soon to have them come to your work party and have to field a lot of questions that you don’t know the answer to yet, then that’s ok! Let your date know when it doesn’t feel right yet about going to their party vs. thinking that the fact that they invited you to their work party is a sign that things are getting serious.

3. Which leads to #3 - Don’t create more meaning about gifts or holiday actions than what the other person is actually saying or demonstrating with their actions in other areas. They may decide to spend a lot of money on you for a nice piece of jewelry, but for them it could be a regular tradition to spend a lot of money on gifts. If they invite you to their family dinner—enjoy the moment and take advantage of getting to know how they interact with family and friends. Even though their aunt may give you a wide smile and ask where you two met, you can be as vague as you need to be if you don’t know how you’re defining the relationship yet.

4. If you do attend an event with your date, find out more details before hand about the nature of the event. What’s the dress code? What are the people like? Any expectations you should know about with hostess gifts? So that you’ll feel prepared going into a situation where you don’t yet know this person or the hosts. Taking time to communicate about the event, you’ll learn more about your date and feel more comfortable in a new scene.

Navigating the holidays while dating can be fun! There are extra festive activities going on around your city, which can make for great date ideas. It can also be a bit nerve wracking to navigate a new dating situation when you are figuring out what or what not to buy for your new boo. Or when you’re considering your best option for a plus one!

Overall, like most things in relationships, they can be resolved by communicating about expectations, clarifying meanings and overall honoring your own gut about what’s really true for you at this point in the relationship. So when you’re taking down the Christmas tree and considering who it was you kissed as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, that you feel like it was a good memory no matter how your relationship status changes.

Won't Our Soulmate Just Find Us?

From the time we’re able to understand a bedtime story, we learn that one day “our prince will come”. He will find us and climb mountains to reach us and rescue us from all that might harm us. While this story is called a fairy tale for a reason, I believe there is something deep inside the female psyche that longs for love to find her.

Not only with Fairy Tales, but also, if you’re a spiritual woman who believes the Creator of the universe brings partners together, then it can be easy to settle into the mentality that my soulmate will just find me because it’s “meant to be”.

All the while in the year 2019, we woman are discovering and being challenged to go out and make things happen like never before!

So when it comes to our dating lives - which is better? - to take massive action to find and get a man or to recline in our modern castle tower waiting for our prince to make his ascent?

Well, let’s talk more about these ideas.

If we let our fairy tale mentality bleed into our dating lives, it can start to look like a lack of taking risks. We can play it safe and surround ourselves with good women friends, watch chick flicks, babysit our nieces, do our jobs well, meanwhile giving ourselves that one slim opportunity that the Amazon delivery guy is “Mr. HeavenSent”.

We may pride ourselves on how patient we’ve been in waiting for the right man to come, but blame the lack of results on the fact that there aren’t any good men out there. With this mentality we can have the subconscious belief that we’re somehow adding to the cinematic climax of our love story by not taking much action, so that the grand ending will be that much more amazing when our prince comes to save us. This mentality however, can actually be a subtle cover up for the real fear that lies underneath our inaction - often fears that prevent us from opening ourselves up to love and be loved by a man.

On the other hand, if we use the same approach as what’s led us to be successful women at work and take focused action to make a relationship happen, then the results can start to feel shaky. We may find ourselves acting out of insecurity, jealousies, or uncertainties. We can start to take on manipulative strategies. We may start to be more concerned with an outcome, like getting a ring on it, rather than feeling truly cherished and feeling respect for the man we are choosing. Doubt may start to creep in about whether a man truly loves us if we’re making all the moves and securing all the plans and he is just going along for the ride because we’re an easy catch.

I’m talking about both of these mentalities as extremes, but is there a healthy balance in the middle?

There is a fine balance, between taking action in our dating lives and trusting in an element of mystery when it comes to success in romance. What does it look like to trust in a divine process that’s actively working in our favor and all the while not give ourselves over to living passively comfortable lives?

To approach this process with balance, let’s consider for a moment the common dating advice you’ve probably heard before from your married, well-intended friends:

“The moment you stop looking for your husband, he will appear.”

While it may not feel like the most helpful advice, because the moment I ask you to stop thinking about the color orange, right now the color orange is flooding your conscious. However, there is evidence to support why people share this advice. I have seen this concept play out over and over again in my own friend’s and client’s lives. It does commonly happen, that when a woman decides to go travel the world or foster her own children or wait until she’s 50 to get married, that a good man for her shows up proposing she let him join her.

If we stop focusing on finding a relationship, then we may stop taking certain dating actions to make things happen. Or maybe we date, solely for the enjoyment of meeting new people and having fun experiences. Either way, in letting go of outcomes for a relationship, we feel freer to actively create fulfilling lives.

I believe that when we start to focus on our own pursuits, it releases all kinds of pressures and expectations—So that any man who shows up feels that sense of freedom to choose us because he wants to add to the fullness of life a woman’s already experiencing.

We find balance because we are actively making things happen in our own lives—practicing risk, vulnerability and self-love—all the while we are better prepared when love shows up, even if it looks nothing like what we expected. Surprisingly that “boy next door” type who was always nothing more than a friend suddenly becomes hotter than you ever thought. His interest in you is more consistent, sacrificial, and cherishing than you’ve ever experienced before.

So how can we be more active in making our lives better and open to being surprised by love?

1. Actively Pursue Dreams - Not for the purposes of attracting a man, but for the purposes of living your best life. If you take some time to get really quiet this week and give yourself permission to tune inside to that one thing you’ve been avoiding doing because it’s too scary—-listen and then take one small step to start towards that dream!

2. Clear Out Any Blocks - Explore if there could be past hurts, fears and feelings of unworthiness in your life. Do you lack of confidence, have a tendency to hide who you are and not open up, or keep a hard exterior because you’ve been hurt before? For your own mental and physical health, find a safe person or group to explore these blocks so you can create better connection in all of your relationships.

3. Hang Out an “Open Sign” - Are you open to people you are meeting in the world? Not just for small talk, but do you regularly open up in appropriately vulnerable ways? The key to being open is trusting yourself to create connections with people who are good for you and being able to walk away from those who aren’t. You are honoring your desire for connection without letting it rule you. Actively work through emotions or habits that cause you to show up as “closed” so instead you can start to display your “Open Sign”.

Attracting a partner is by no means a hard science. There is a je ne sais quoi element to every romance story that no one can give us the step by step directions for. Whether we are stuck in our own excessive waiting mindset or we are using all hands on deck to carry out “operation relationship”, I encourage you to take action to create your best life—whether that means doing personal growth work, opening a school for orphans in Africa or cleaning out that bedroom to make an office. Then stay open to various social connections, resting fully in your own womanly worthiness, knowing that mysteriously your action will prepare you to attract a surprisingly good relationship.

If you’d like support to explore how to create your best life or open yourself up in places where you know you’ve closed down. Schedule a time for us to talk here.

Are You Chasing Him or Just Being Friendly?

You had a great time on the date. You’re still laughing thinking about that one really funny thing he said that had you belly laughing. And there was the way he really engaged with you when you were talking. And you liked the way his shirt fit him around his chest. You’d say the date went really well!

It’s been 29 hours (but who’s counting?) since you said goodbye and there’s been no sign of contact from him. A sinking anxiety slowly settles into your gut.

You knew he was going to be spending the next couple of days taking his grandma on a road trip to California. So you think, maybe I’ll just text him a quick, “Hope you’re having an amazing trip with your grandma, safe travels!”

You debate back and forth. The feeling of anxiety is increasing in your gut. You are so curious to know what he’s thinking. Even a response back from him saying his trip is going well, would confirm to you that such a good date was not just a figment of your imagination.

You send the text.

You don’t hear back for another 5 hours, even though the message is marked “read”. He writes, “Thanks, the trip is going great!”

It feels flat to you and you feel bad for even having texted.

Ever been there before?

Is there anything wrong with sending a friendly text to a man while dating or is it what many would call “chasing” a man and advise against?

I am a believer that men are obvious with their actions if they are interested in a woman and that they value what they have to take risks for.

So I think a better question is—-what is his lack of communication/clarity bringing up for you? If some time has passed and he hasn’t contacted you after a date, what feelings start to come up for you?

AND

How are those feelings driving your actions?

Where is your motivation coming from— Does your desire to reach out with a friendly text (or stop by his work or make him cookies) come from feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or a compulsion to have a certain outcome?

OR is it coming from a place of wanting to express, connect, compliment, thank, etc. A place of generosity where you feel confident in who you are and are unattached to the outcome?

If it’s one of the more difficult feelings, identify if there is a story underneath that feeling and if it is saying something like:

• If he doesn’t want me, that confirms that I’m not good enough for him.

• Or I’m not pretty enough.

• Or if I’m not in control of making this relationship happen then it won’t because I’m not worthy of being loved without earning it.

  Is there a story that could be driving a chase?

I like to define “chasing” as having the energetic quality that feels like desperation—like a person is trying to get something, usually validation, from the other person instead of wanting to know that person in order to build a loving connection.

Because men can smell desperation energy a mile away. When he feels this it speaks loudly to a healthy man that a woman isn’t prepared to value herself in a relationship and that this could lead to more problems and drama later on.

So what’s wrong with a woman chasing (calling, texting, giving gifts etc.) to a man? Well I’d say none of those things are wrong in themselves. But check yourself before you do—am I setting out to make a loving connection with this man or I am coming from a place where I am needing some kind of validation?

If it’s the latter - just hold off.

And go find something you love to do that feels much better!

If you find yourself in that place where your interactions with men come more from a place of needing validation and you’d want to explore more why that is happening for you, let’s have a conversation. Schedule a time to talk here.

Love You, and He'll Follow Suit

Years ago I made a commitment to myself to buy as much Organic food as possible. Even though I felt the pain as I looked at my grocery bill, I considered it a long-term investment in health. My housemate watches me eat Organic food day after day, so the other day when I asked her to grab me a spice from the store, she comes back with the top of the line Organic version.

At first I thought how nice of her not to skimp and come back with the cheapest one. Then it occurred to me that since she sees me buying Organic food all the time, she just followed suit and got the kind she assumed I’d buy for myself.

I thought about how this concept works when it comes to dating and relationships too.

The truth is we are informing people all the time about how to treat us, by the way we treat ourselves. And this is never more obvious than in the process of dating.

Let’s say you’re out with a guy and it’s getting late. You have to get up early the next day for a work meeting. You told him that you need to be in bed at 11pm. It’s 10:30pm, he asks you if you’d be up for catching a last drink at a great place just down the block.

How do you handle this? - Do you stick to your own curfew knowing that you’ll feel much better the next day? Or do you notice how excited he is to show you this other place and cave into his energy, telling yourself that you’ll just let your curfew slide this time?

The thing is, that if you already mentioned earlier in the date that you want to be in bed by 11pm, it can feel like he’s rude because he’s inviting you to something after the time you said you needed to go home. But the fact is many times men will test a woman early on in the dating process, whether consciously or subconsciously.

He’s testing her to see how she sticks to her own boundaries. He’s finding out what she will allow him to get away with and what she won’t. He’s watching you to inform him how to treat you.

So I wanted to share a few key areas that you can focus on practically loving yourself during (or in preparation for) the dating process:

1. Share your honest Preferences - You may want to be an easy “go with the flow” kind of woman and there are times that is a valuable trait. But if he’s inviting you to go 4 wheeling in a mud field and it seems like something that would give you a panic attack, by all means, tell him that and communicate that you’d love to spend time with him, but that you’d feel better with X, Y, Z kind of activity. He will learn to consider what you enjoy and want to make you happy.

2. Speak Up About Your Feelings - Did he shut down something you said in front of your friends that made you feel hurt? If it’s bothering you and getting in the way of relating with him, you should speak up! At an appropriate time, share how what he did impacted you and how you felt. Sometimes people in our lives unintentionally hurt us and they get to know how they can love us by sharing how their actions impact us. He will learn to respect and care for your feelings.

3. Don’t Give All of Your Time and Energy Away Too Soon - Let him earn a place in your life. It can be tempting when you find someone that you are very attracted to or could talk with all night, to want to spend hours and days with them right away. But the fact is you give trust to every other person in your life over time. Make it no different with a guy you just met. He will learn to honor your time and value your sharing from your heart.

4. Guard Time for Yourself - Often the activities you love are part of what draws a man to you. Whether it’s an afternoon coloring with a warm cup of tea or traveling to the beach with your best friend each year. Don’t let the whirl of emotions in getting to know a new man keep you from the things you love. He will learn to cherish your differences and encourage you in what makes you shine.

Making choices like these to love yourself—-even minor choices like honoring your own bedtime—will challenge him to step up to treat you well. Also, when you treat yourself well certain men you date will not be up for the task (because they’re operating as self-centered/low-value/disinterested) and they’ll quickly show themselves the exit when they realize you won’t tolerate bad treatment. And that’s one less man you need to filter out yourself!

If you find it challenging to honor yourself in certain areas of the dating process and would like another person in your court, I’m glad to set up a time for a conversation here.

Advantages to Slowing Dating Down

“Jeff just liked you. Send him a note.”

I open this email and look at his picture. I like the color of his olive skin. It stirs my interest to read his profile. “Kayaking, coffee shops, days out with his daughter, hiking, looking for something serious. Love to travel and would like to have you with me?” I see a picture of him and his daughter, she is cute and he looks tender. He reports to share my faith and likes drama movies too. So I click the pink heart.

He asks me how I’m doing.

I tell him.

He wonders if I’d like to have coffee.

We have a good conversation, he leans in for a kiss after walking me to my car.

I’ve just opened my time, energy, heart and lips to a complete stranger and after we say goodbye there is a 50/50 chance that I’ll see him again. And this, my friends, has become a common experience in modern dating.

With many people using online dating to find a relationship, it can be a lot of pressure to figure out if someone is for you from a profile and a 60-90 minute visit. If you were to meet someone in the workplace or at an acting class every week, you’d have the chance to observe how a person interacts with his cube mate or how they express their creativity, without necessarily sizing them up for romantic potential right away. Maybe you’d have a few conversations with them over time and sense romantic tension building. The question of whether or not you’d go out with them may be a slow build towards that moment when he nervously asks you at the water fountain if you’d like to continue talking over dinner Friday evening.

I think online dating can be a great tool for finding a relationship, but the nature of it tends to speed things up. So if your goal is to create a lasting relationship, built on a good foundation, then one tip I’d give is to find ways that you can “slow things down” and mimic some of the real life dynamics that have been happening for centuries in offline dating.

Here are five ideas for how this could look:

1. Avoid Stream of Conscious Texting - If you met online and exchanged numbers, it can sometimes be easy to start an ongoing chain of texting with this person throughout the day. So you can end up giving a large chunk of your concentration and energy to someone who hasn’t yet proved to you they’re worthy of your time. You can always get back to him later. Let them wait for an answer. Or tell them you only like texting to firm up plans. Everyone has their texting style, but consider avoiding on-going texting.

2. Spread out Your Dates (especially at the beginning) If you have a full life, this one will probably happen naturally. But if your weekend happens to be wide open on the Friday you meet, consider waiting a while to meet again. Give yourself sometime to feel into how you felt with the person. Give them space to contact you again, so that you can really gauge what their interest level is when you’re not around.

3. Do Different Kinds of Dates and Sometimes Include Others As you know it’s good to get to know a person in a variety of settings; out kayaking together, watching them give a presentation, going out with their friend group, visiting your grandma, a walk on the beach. etc. Mix it up and see if the the way they interact with you is consistent with how they treat others. Anyone can put on an act to treat you well if the two of you are always alone watching Netflix.

4. Choose a Person Who Has Their Own Life Too If you or the guy you’re dating is always available because they are still looking for a job or they have very few outside interests, it can be hard to slow things down. This happens because if nothing else in your life is making you “light up!” then it can be very easy at the beginning of a relationship to want to be around this person all the time, because the attraction to them makes you feel alive. Be filling your life with things that light you up and find a person who does that in their own life too.

5. Communicate Your Boundaries When you know what will or won’t work for you in the dating process, especially early on, it can grow attraction with the right person and it can filter out those who aren’t for you. As you communicate what time you are available until, how much you will or won’t talk about your Ex, or what your physical boundaries are—that person is getting to know the real you and you are setting a precedent for your own value in the relationship.

The reason I believe there are advantages to slowing down the dating process, is that I’ve seen many relationships go South when they started fast and furious. In the heat of physical attractions our brains tend to go offline. In not communicating our boundaries in an effort to be easy to be with, people take advantage. Those who are seeking a relationship, right NOW!, are often coming from a more desperate place—-maybe struggling with co-dependency, trying to forget an ex, or wrestling with addictions. So with a slower build towards something serious and lasting, you are more likely to rule out those who won’t respect you and vet those who are able to sustain a relationship for the long haul.

If you’re at the beginning stages of dating right now—consider taking a few actions to slow things down—and meanwhile keep focusing on your own life. Let me know how it goes!

If you struggle to slow things down or would like support navigating any stage of your relationship journey, reach out here for a complimentary session where I’m happy to support you with an outside perspective and new insights for the process.