As kids my brothers and I had a routine of scratching each other’s backs at bedtime. The deal was: I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine. It seemed like a fair system: apples for apples. This fairness (most of the time) led to harmony. My girl friends and I especially thrived in this system. There was a presumption, if I give you a stuffed bear for your birthday, you would give me a similar gift on mine.
This mindset carries into the world of womanhood. Alison Armstrong calls this behavior, precise reciprocity. It’s commonly understood between women that if a girlfriend invites her over to dinner one month, then she invites her friend over later on. Without explanation, this is natural behavior for women.
As adults however, when it comes to creating connection between men and women in a romantic partnership, this system of fairness changes. Understanding this nuance can save you A LOT of struggle in your relationship. Let me explain.
So when a woman is not experiencing the kind of care, affirmation or affection that she wants from her man, a woman’s instinct, is to attempt to get the love she needs by giving him the exact thing she wants.
She tells him that she’ll pick up the grocery items on his side of the household list for tomorrow night’s dinner because she knows he’s stressed out. When inside, she’s actually feeling overwhelmed and would really like him to offer to take a thing or two off her side of the list. She assumes that if he really loved her that she wouldn’t need to explain, presuming that he’ll respond in kind under the law of reciprocity.
However, most adult men aren’t aware of this law because they operate with a different sense of justice in the realm of relationships. They presume that if they do something for a woman and she appreciates it, then they are even. He doesn’t need her to buy him flowers in return for the ones he bought her. Instead he just wants to know that what he did served a purpose to make her life better—-that she appreciated what he gave her by eating the food or spending the money or feeling relaxed by the massage. To him that is an even exchange.
In fact if your man offers you a compliment and you turn around and offer him a compliment, he may just wonder why you couldn’t receive his compliment and let it energize you to go about your day. To give a compliment in return feels like a negation of his offer.
That’s why when a woman sets out to love a man in the way she would like to be loved and he just accepts it with no return gesture, she can get resentful. “He’s not doing what he should be doing!” All the while the man is appreciating her act of love by enjoying the gift.
As well, when he sees that you’re doing all the things, he is now less likely to do more. He thinks, why should he waste energy offering to make dinner when she’s already doing it? Men have a priority towards energy conservation so if something’s being taken care of, there is no need to spend effort towards it.
In fact “If you give more to a man, you will always get less. ” says John Grey, “It’s when men give more and women appreciate them more, that men bond with you. And when they bond with you they look for ways to please you.”
For women to be able to receive in this way without feeling like they had to do something first, they have to feel like ”I deserve it.” You don’t have to earn his love by giving—instead you need to believe that you’re worth receiving it and you embody your worth. A man will sense this and be happy to give to you what he is able to give.
So what can you do if you’re feeling like you would like a man to love you more in a specific way?
Here are 3 tips to consider:
Stop Giving to Get - Take an inventory of where you notice yourself giving for the purpose of getting love back. A major clue is when you notice feeling resentful. Then stop doing those things.
Ask for What You Would Like - Ask yourself what is the one thing I would love from my partner right now? How would it make you feel to receive that? How can I let my partner know? Ex. “It would feel like such a relief if I had your help picking up the kids from Karate on Tues and Thursday. What do you think?'“
Practice Receiving - Whenever anyone gives you anything practice receiving it with your whole body—-what does it feel like to be worth their attention, time or resources—-how can you joyfully receive it with a smile or full body expression?
Putting these tips into practice, you’ll start to feel a big difference in both your internal peace and the harmony of the relationship.
If you’d like to feel more peaceful in your relationship, but is a whole lot harder to put into practice on your own, schedule a time to talk. Having support and accountability can help you make lasting changes that will astound you with the results. Schedule a time with me below.