When Loving You Doesn't Make You Love Me

As kids my brothers and I had a routine of scratching each other’s backs at bedtime. The deal was: I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine. It seemed like a fair system: apples for apples. This fairness (most of the time) led to harmony. My girl friends and I especially thrived in this system. There was a presumption, if I give you a stuffed bear for your birthday, you would give me a similar gift on mine.

This mindset carries into the world of womanhood. Alison Armstrong calls this behavior, precise reciprocity. It’s commonly understood between women that if a girlfriend invites her over to dinner one month, then she invites her friend over later on. Without explanation, this is natural behavior for women.

As adults however, when it comes to creating connection between men and women in a romantic partnership, this system of fairness changes. Understanding this nuance can save you A LOT of struggle in your relationship. Let me explain.

So when a woman is not experiencing the kind of care, affirmation or affection that she wants from her man, a woman’s instinct, is to attempt to get the love she needs by giving him the exact thing she wants.

She tells him that she’ll pick up the grocery items on his side of the household list for tomorrow night’s dinner because she knows he’s stressed out. When inside, she’s actually feeling overwhelmed and would really like him to offer to take a thing or two off her side of the list. She assumes that if he really loved her that she wouldn’t need to explain, presuming that he’ll respond in kind under the law of reciprocity.

However, most adult men aren’t aware of this law because they operate with a different sense of justice in the realm of relationships. They presume that if they do something for a woman and she appreciates it, then they are even. He doesn’t need her to buy him flowers in return for the ones he bought her. Instead he just wants to know that what he did served a purpose to make her life better—-that she appreciated what he gave her by eating the food or spending the money or feeling relaxed by the massage. To him that is an even exchange.

In fact if your man offers you a compliment and you turn around and offer him a compliment, he may just wonder why you couldn’t receive his compliment and let it energize you to go about your day. To give a compliment in return feels like a negation of his offer.

That’s why when a woman sets out to love a man in the way she would like to be loved and he just accepts it with no return gesture, she can get resentful. “He’s not doing what he should be doing!” All the while the man is appreciating her act of love by enjoying the gift.

As well, when he sees that you’re doing all the things, he is now less likely to do more. He thinks, why should he waste energy offering to make dinner when she’s already doing it? Men have a priority towards energy conservation so if something’s being taken care of, there is no need to spend effort towards it.

In fact “If you give more to a man, you will always get less. ” says John Grey, “It’s when men give more and women appreciate them more, that men bond with you. And when they bond with you they look for ways to please you.”

For women to be able to receive in this way without feeling like they had to do something first, they have to feel like ”I deserve it.” You don’t have to earn his love by giving—instead you need to believe that you’re worth receiving it and you embody your worth. A man will sense this and be happy to give to you what he is able to give.

So what can you do if you’re feeling like you would like a man to love you more in a specific way?

Here are 3 tips to consider:

• Stop Giving to Get - Take an inventory of where you notice yourself giving for the purpose of getting love back. A major clue is when you notice feeling resentful. Then stop doing those things.

• Ask for What You Would Like - Ask yourself what is the one thing I would love from my partner right now? How would it make you feel to receive that? How can I let my partner know? Ex. “It would feel like such a relief if I had your help picking up the kids from Karate on Tues and Thursday. What do you think?'“

• Practice Receiving - Whenever anyone gives you anything practice receiving it with your whole body—-what does it feel like to be worth their attention, time or resources—-how can you joyfully receive it with a smile or full body expression?

Putting these tips into practice, you’ll start to feel a big difference in both your internal peace and the harmony of the relationship.

If you’d like to feel more peaceful in your relationship, but is a whole lot harder to put into practice on your own, schedule a time to talk. Having support and accountability can help you make lasting changes that will astound you with the results. Schedule a time with me below.

Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

As I Graduate: Three Things I've Learned About Relationships

Celebrating Graduation via Zoom

Looking at my track record with relationships, it’s too bad that I didn’t stumble upon The Relationship School earlier in life. With good reason, their tagline is “the most important education you never received in school”. I grew up with the cultural mindset that relationship skills just automatically update as we mature, only when I found myself wrestling with the paralyzing fear of rejection and unsure of how to navigate it in relationships, I figured I missed the update.

It’s assumed that we pick up relationship skills naturally from our family of origin. And we do. We pick up our caregivers best attempts to pass on what they know. And sometimes what they know is hit or miss when it comes to entering and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship.

Maybe you can relate if you’ve been kicking yourself because you haven’t been able to pull off this healthy relationship thing—all the while you’ve never really learned how to do it. It seems cruel to fault ourselves for guidance we lacked.

That’s why making time to study relationship skills from great mentors and practicing skills in a safe context with classmates felt very empowering. I experienced what a difference it makes to feel more at ease in myself and communicate in a way that can be received better by others.

As I made my way towards graduation to receive my certification as a Relationship Coach last weekend, I wanted to honor my time at The Relationship School by sharing three (of the many!) of insights that I gained about relationships.

Everybody’s Got Flaws, Embrace Yours

If you are remotely self-reflective and a member of the human race, you are aware that you have at least one weak area when it comes to relationships. The trouble is, us self-aware types can spend a lot of energy working to eliminate our weaknesses or try to manage them so that they don’t slip out and cause us to lose connection. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fake perfectionism only to push people away. However, not only are my flaws a part of me, but having the particular set of flaws that I do has allowed me to get stronger in other ways as I’ve had to navigate life with them.

For example, I fear speaking up in a group setting for fear of being judged. As I practiced doing this more and more, I found greater self-confidence in facing my fear that I wouldn’t survive others’ criticism. My peers also got to watch me with pride as I stepped into this area of growth. I realize that the fear of speaking up in a group may never fully subside, but I embrace that the work I need to do to face it is building my own feelings of self-competence. As a result I can love myself there and have a lot more compassion for others working with their flaws.

Instead of Focusing on People Disappointing You, Own Your Part

As someone who can get easily ruffled by the other person not meeting my expectation in a relationship, I’ve learned how important it is to take space to evaluate my part in any dynamic that I’m experiencing. If I am focused too much on how the other person isn’t living up to my expectations I will be disappointed most of the time. However, if I look into what part I played, I have the control to change me. That leads me to feeling empowered and helps me to avoid feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions or behaviors to define myself.

So when I start to get frustrated because a guy I’m dating hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours, instead of presuming I’m not valuable, I can examine why I’m so upset. I may be upset because I gave my power over to him to define me by what actions he takes. Or maybe I didn’t share my preferences about what is important for me and I’m expecting him to read my mind. If I can tune into my own feelings, investigate and work on my own stuff, it brings clarity to be able to communicate better—instead of stewing in frustration.

Feel Shaky? Lead with Vulnerability

Lastly, one of the most helpful and challenging lessons I’ve learned is that when I feel shaky to communicate something challenging with another person, it’s good to lead with vulnerability. When we open with vulnerability, it allows the other person to see us authentically and invites them to meet us with authenticity. It opens a door for them to respond compassionately and honestly when it may be a difficult conversation to have.

It could look like,“I’m feeling awkward about continuing in the silence right now when I sense we’re a both feeling big feelings, it feels scary to break the silence, could I share with you what’s coming up for me right now?” When we name what’s going on for us, it’s helps to diffuse the intensity of what we’re feeling so that we can stay grounded as we go on to share our thoughts and feelings with someone. So try it!—next time you’re about to bring up something challenging with a boss or partner, lead with, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous to share this with you…”

Learning these skills at first is like acquiring knowledge that takes time to practice until I can embody the concepts and feel their full benefit in my relationships. As a Relationship School graduate I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned, more grateful for the friends I’ve met and most grateful for the experience of relationship coaching that has helped me to transform my relationships, with myself and others—so that now I can help you experience transformation in yours.

If you’re curious to experience relationship coaching and move past a place you feel stuck in your relationships on your own. Save your spot for a complimentary first session here.