Your Full Life Will Lead You to Your Dream Man

Dating over the years, I got undesirable outcomes when I was living from an empty cup.

It looked like a hot guy who made effort at the beginning—Good morning texts, plans to go mini-golfing and dinner, curious about my favorite vacation, told me I had a cute smile and then at the end of the date when I was feeling tingling and hopeful, the subtle sexual innuendo started. While he couched it in the middle of a talk about his favorite sports team, I’d brush off the discomfort in my chest because I’d just discovered him as the best thing I had going in my life.

He didn’t have that much to compete with. I was working in a job where the boredom drove me to waste my after hours scrolling social media or giving my time to friends who always seemed to be one decision away from a major life crisis. Which, in comparison, made my problem of putting my own dreams and desires last, seem relatively minor.

When men asked me what my hobbies were I told them I used to like playing the piano or baking a cake, but the honest truth was that I hadn’t done those things in over a fifteen years. When they asked me why I didn’t do them, I’d explain how long-term chronic illness led me into self-pity parties that I had a hard time leaving because they made such reasonable excuses for why I needed to avoid new or fun things and just survive the next day.

So when Mr. Rico Suave entered my dating options with a few interested questions, he was it—life itself!

When you are not living a life that makes you feel alive, full, or engaged, your dating process will feel like you’re stomach’s been empty for days, and a crumb of attention feels like the promise of a 5 course meal.

When I went out with a guy and he’d start to make physical moves before I felt comfortable, I’d go along because subconsciously I thought, “this is the price I need to pay for the food I need.” I’d let him cross my own boundaries and mistook his physical desire for serious interest and capacity for a long-term relationship.

Until his texting turned completely sexual and when I changed the subject, he’d turn my comment about loving fruit salad into something much less innocent. My stomach twisted into knots and at the same time I felt a rush of excitement that I didn’t normally feel in my regular life, which made it all so confusing.

Then came his last minute invites, late arrivals, lack of planning, Crumb. After. Crumb. He lured my heart into his force field with the promise of his attention. When I gave my time to him for so little investment, he realized how little he needed to give in order to benefit from the situation.

The hard truth I faced when those connections came to painful endings, was that I was looking for another person to fill up my unfulfilling life. If I was going to feel nourished, alive and loved, I needed to create my own sense of fullness in my life in very practical ways.

Positive affirmations are helpful, prayers, meditation, counseling and therapy groups—-are all very helpful but they will be like flushing your money down the toilet if you don’t take actions that communicate to yourself that you love yourself in the most practical of ways—by creating a great life—full of friends, community, goals, little ones, family, creative projects, missions, great environments, etc.

Can you imagine a man verbally proclaiming his undying love to you day after day, but he never keeps his word to you, nor introduces you to his family or nor stops seeing other women? Yet, we ourselves can nod yes to the fact that we love ourselves, but our actions don’t show it in our lives. And men take cues on how to love us by our own good self-treatment.

If you can relate to your life not being as fulfilling as you’d like right now—-what steps can you take to turn that around?

There are a million things you can do, but I’d like to offer you 3 areas where you can start:

1. Beautify - What is one “clean up” project that you’ve been putting off for a long time that you can take care of? This could be your garage, your bookshelf, your toenails, your car—-you name it, but having it done will make you feel better!

2. Ignite Passion - What is one hobby that you used to love so much that time would fly by without you noticing it? Sign up for the class, interview the mentor, get the supplies or equipment—-it’s not a waste of time!

3. Create a Thrill - What is something you’ve been thinking about doing, but it scares you a little bit (or a lot!) and it makes you very curious at the same time? It could be jumping out of a airplane, joining Toastmasters, starting up a side business, creating an online profile, or having that hard conversation with a friend. Take the risk!

Do something from each of these categories and you’ll start to notice how your emotional range begins to increase—you’ll start to feel a sense of pride, pleasure and the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone (and not dying!) All of these feelings will increase your sense of happiness, purpose and pleasure in your life. (Which become very attractive to a good partner for you!)

And the next time Mr. Rico Suave calls you up for a 9pm booty call, you’ll tell him you can’t because you’re auditioning for the musical Annie in the morning (or your new project). He’ll get that he needs to make more effort to see you and will step up or show himself to the door. Then surely, better quality men will show up to compete with your full life, with the intent to make it even better.

Kristen loves supporting women as they walk through dating or a breakup process. f you would like specific support to create a life you love so you can improve your love life, schedule a free 30 minutes chat here to learn more.

When Loving You Doesn't Make You Love Me

As kids my brothers and I had a routine of scratching each other’s backs at bedtime. The deal was: I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine. It seemed like a fair system: apples for apples. This fairness (most of the time) led to harmony. My girl friends and I especially thrived in this system. There was a presumption, if I give you a stuffed bear for your birthday, you would give me a similar gift on mine.

This mindset carries into the world of womanhood. Alison Armstrong calls this behavior, precise reciprocity. It’s commonly understood between women that if a girlfriend invites her over to dinner one month, then she invites her friend over later on. Without explanation, this is natural behavior for women.

As adults however, when it comes to creating connection between men and women in a romantic partnership, this system of fairness changes. Understanding this nuance can save you A LOT of struggle in your relationship. Let me explain.

So when a woman is not experiencing the kind of care, affirmation or affection that she wants from her man, a woman’s instinct, is to attempt to get the love she needs by giving him the exact thing she wants.

She tells him that she’ll pick up the grocery items on his side of the household list for tomorrow night’s dinner because she knows he’s stressed out. When inside, she’s actually feeling overwhelmed and would really like him to offer to take a thing or two off her side of the list. She assumes that if he really loved her that she wouldn’t need to explain, presuming that he’ll respond in kind under the law of reciprocity.

However, most adult men aren’t aware of this law because they operate with a different sense of justice in the realm of relationships. They presume that if they do something for a woman and she appreciates it, then they are even. He doesn’t need her to buy him flowers in return for the ones he bought her. Instead he just wants to know that what he did served a purpose to make her life better—-that she appreciated what he gave her by eating the food or spending the money or feeling relaxed by the massage. To him that is an even exchange.

In fact if your man offers you a compliment and you turn around and offer him a compliment, he may just wonder why you couldn’t receive his compliment and let it energize you to go about your day. To give a compliment in return feels like a negation of his offer.

That’s why when a woman sets out to love a man in the way she would like to be loved and he just accepts it with no return gesture, she can get resentful. “He’s not doing what he should be doing!” All the while the man is appreciating her act of love by enjoying the gift.

As well, when he sees that you’re doing all the things, he is now less likely to do more. He thinks, why should he waste energy offering to make dinner when she’s already doing it? Men have a priority towards energy conservation so if something’s being taken care of, there is no need to spend effort towards it.

In fact “If you give more to a man, you will always get less. ” says John Grey, “It’s when men give more and women appreciate them more, that men bond with you. And when they bond with you they look for ways to please you.”

For women to be able to receive in this way without feeling like they had to do something first, they have to feel like ”I deserve it.” You don’t have to earn his love by giving—instead you need to believe that you’re worth receiving it and you embody your worth. A man will sense this and be happy to give to you what he is able to give.

So what can you do if you’re feeling like you would like a man to love you more in a specific way?

Here are 3 tips to consider:

• Stop Giving to Get - Take an inventory of where you notice yourself giving for the purpose of getting love back. A major clue is when you notice feeling resentful. Then stop doing those things.

• Ask for What You Would Like - Ask yourself what is the one thing I would love from my partner right now? How would it make you feel to receive that? How can I let my partner know? Ex. “It would feel like such a relief if I had your help picking up the kids from Karate on Tues and Thursday. What do you think?'“

• Practice Receiving - Whenever anyone gives you anything practice receiving it with your whole body—-what does it feel like to be worth their attention, time or resources—-how can you joyfully receive it with a smile or full body expression?

Putting these tips into practice, you’ll start to feel a big difference in both your internal peace and the harmony of the relationship.

If you’d like to feel more peaceful in your relationship, but is a whole lot harder to put into practice on your own, schedule a time to talk. Having support and accountability can help you make lasting changes that will astound you with the results. Schedule a time with me below.

Why Healing Allows Us to Live Balanced in Our Feminine Energy

Stacey grew up in a household where the men got most of the attention. Her mother found her value in making sure everyone else was OK, and she rarely expressed herself or her emotions. Stacey soon learned that opening her heart or expressing her feelings wasn’t worth the pain of going unseen so she learned to protect herself by stepping more into her masculine energy to get attention—by performing, “one-upping” her brothers, or trying to do things perfectly to prove her worth.

The problem was that Stacey felt very unseen. She was sensitive and felt emotions deeply, so when she learned to shut down that part of her — she lost a part of herself which limited access to her feminine energy. She also learned not to need too much because rarely did someone seem to respond to her non-physical needs. So she started to serve everyone else in lieu of recognizing her own needs or expressing how she felt.

As a result Stacey learned to live most of the time in her masculine energy - avoiding vulnerability, disconnecting from her desires/needs, closing down her expressiveness and awareness of her sensuality.

For women like Stacey who’ve shut down a lot of their feminine energy, they can practice behaviors to shift into their feminine energy—like self-care, pleasurable activities, sharing their feelings more etc., however, until a woman takes time to heal the root cause that led her to shut down her feminine energy, it will be hard for her to go there regularly.

Feminine energy naturally flows from a woman who is emotionally healthy, confident and accepts who she is. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or maintaining attraction with masculine men, it could be helpful to look into what needs to be healed.

When women heal the wounds that cause us to start self-protecting, shutting down—and basically turning off our feminine glow—then we start to glow again! And we are able to live balanced, like the Ying Yang symbol, where we spend the majority of our time in our feminine (the swish) with less time in our masculine (the dot). We can honor and enjoy the side of ourselves that is expressive or receptive and we can create structure and get things done when needed.

Yet, in today’s world, many women spend more time in the workforce where there are still more accolades for operating in masculine energy than feminine, and it can be easy for women who’ve shut down their feminine side to gain their value in performing, without exploring what could be underneath the lack of aliveness or passion in other areas of their lives.

Sadly this has negatively affected male/female partnerships because the woman is less available to be vulnerable with a man when she comes home to her partner. When she’s predominantly very busy, she’s less available to connect to her emotions, which can break down a romantic connection because a man is drawn win over a woman when he intuitively knows that she is comfortable in expressing her emotions. (Read more on Feminine energy and dating here.)

If you’re a woman that recognizes that you spend a lot of your energy in your masculine and you feel burnt out or unsatisfied in your relationships, here are some steps to consider as you seek healing for more balance:

1. Identify the Pain - Start to notice, where do you get defensive or easily offended in relationships. What triggers you or gets you upset? Where do you intend to communicate, but avoid following through? What is the story that comes up for you when you feel something, but have a hard time expressing it? It takes some personal exploration through journaling, hearing other people’s stories, or meeting with a therapist etc. to unravel the protective ways we’ve covered up our pain—but it’s worth every penny to spend the time identifying it.

2. Express Your Pain in a Safe/Supportive Environment - Find a safe person/people to share your pain. Whether a best friend, a recovery group, a counselor/coach, pastor etc. let yourself be seen in a place where you’ve held onto hurt—perhaps for years. To be human is to experience pain. The people who are safe to hold space for you will understand and feel trusted as you open up to them.

3. Take Responsibility for a New Choice - Decide that you don’t want to lived closed down any longer and that it’s worth it to feel the pain so that you can heal. Decide that you want to show up with all parts of you in your relationships, including valuing your feminine energy. This happens by taking the above healing steps AND choosing to consciously shift your energy into your feminine.

The best part about living balanced in our feminine energy is that it literally just feels better (it balances our hormones!). Imagine letting go of trying so hard at life and trying to prove your worth. You—my Queen Bee—are intrinsically worthy of that.

If you’d like support getting to the root of your healing through coaching conversations and help to practically live balanced in your feminine/masculine energy, set up a time to chat with me here.

If You Spot It, You've Probably Got It

One of the fascinating ironies about humans is that we often think it’s easier to change other people, rather than change ourselves. When actually it’s completely out of our control to ever change other people.

Take for example, while dating, a man shares about how often he works with a woman. The woman concludes this man is a workaholic and she sees it as an invitation for her to help him to stop working as much. She fantasizes that her love will inspire him to change so that he’d spend more time with her. While this sounds well-intentioned—it’s actually setting herself up for major disappointment, because she will never be able to make him change.

This woman will most likely experience disappointment because one day her fantasy that she’ll be able to change him will burst. Yet if she uses the pain to become self-aware, she may realize that the very issue she saw so clearly in her partner, is actually the work she needs to tend to in herself.

Personally, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror a handful of times, while judging an ex’s problem, and saw a similar ugly problem looking right back at me. Sure it may not have looked the same as their XYZ issue, but I recognized that I got the same root of their issue, with a different manifestation.

It can be alluring to try to change the other person, because it helps us to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of facing our own “not so pretty” problems. For example, If a man gets caught up in “Miss Drama’s” world where she’s always running out of money or mismanaging her schedule or reacting in excessive outbursts, it can make him feel good to think that he can try to rescue her. But he ends up looking like a juggler that tosses all 5 of their balls in the air and scrambles to catch none. While scrambling after balls, he thinks he’s avoided feeling his own depression.

This rescue mode feels good in the moment because we are creating a connection through that person’s dependency on us. And if they become “dependent” on us to meet a responsibility that is theirs alone to meet, then it seemingly lowers the risk of them rejecting or abandoning us.

It is a way of protecting ourselves from the fear of not being lovable enough so we make ourselves worthy by rescuing. This way the connection is formed based on one-way give and take, not on mutual giving or risking vulnerability. The one being rescued may stay for a while because you’re making it easier for them, but they don’t offer genuine love—and you end up resentful—becase you never see the change or “payback” in the relationship for all the investment you’ve made.

If you can relate to this pattern in your relationships, there is hope that you can stop the pattern in order to create mutual, supportive, and emotionally available relationships. When you recognize the pattern, there’s hope of creating a relationship where you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are and both persons have a vested interest in meeting the needs of the person, instead of trying to change them.

If you’re in one of these relationships or have a past relationship with this dynamic, here are 3 tips for starting your change process:

1. Notice Where You Are Rescuing Them and Stop - What’s common in many healing processes is the first step to acknowledgement the problem. Do you notice when you tend to rescue someone? What prompts you to do it? What makes it hard to stop? How is it serving you to try to rescue them?

2. Identify What Feelings You’ve Been Avoiding When You Stop - What comes up for you emotionally when you decide to change the behavior you’d normally do? What kinds of sensation do you feel? What kinds of compulsions do you notice?

3. Use the Problem(s) that You Spotted in Them to Discover Your Own Work - What are the problems that you normally are drawn to fix in others? —-Lack of presence, over-working, substance abuse, criticism, manipulation, avoidance, anxiety, depression. See if you have a similar manifestation of the same problem. For example, someone could be drawn to very self-centered people and while they don’t seem selfish, they use their sacrificial serving others as a selfish way to win approval.

If you’re feeling down on yourself because you’re currently facing the disappointing reality that the person you’ve been with will never change to be the person you need in a relationship, it may be a good time to let all the issues you spotted in your partner be a starting point for you to explore your own areas of growth to make this or your next relationship even better.

If you’re noticing these patterns and would like outside support to get clarity and help on your next steps towards healing and growth, set up a complimentary hour coaching conversation here.

As I Graduate: Three Things I've Learned About Relationships

Celebrating Graduation via Zoom

Looking at my track record with relationships, it’s too bad that I didn’t stumble upon The Relationship School earlier in life. With good reason, their tagline is “the most important education you never received in school”. I grew up with the cultural mindset that relationship skills just automatically update as we mature, only when I found myself wrestling with the paralyzing fear of rejection and unsure of how to navigate it in relationships, I figured I missed the update.

It’s assumed that we pick up relationship skills naturally from our family of origin. And we do. We pick up our caregivers best attempts to pass on what they know. And sometimes what they know is hit or miss when it comes to entering and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship.

Maybe you can relate if you’ve been kicking yourself because you haven’t been able to pull off this healthy relationship thing—all the while you’ve never really learned how to do it. It seems cruel to fault ourselves for guidance we lacked.

That’s why making time to study relationship skills from great mentors and practicing skills in a safe context with classmates felt very empowering. I experienced what a difference it makes to feel more at ease in myself and communicate in a way that can be received better by others.

As I made my way towards graduation to receive my certification as a Relationship Coach last weekend, I wanted to honor my time at The Relationship School by sharing three (of the many!) of insights that I gained about relationships.

Everybody’s Got Flaws, Embrace Yours

If you are remotely self-reflective and a member of the human race, you are aware that you have at least one weak area when it comes to relationships. The trouble is, us self-aware types can spend a lot of energy working to eliminate our weaknesses or try to manage them so that they don’t slip out and cause us to lose connection. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fake perfectionism only to push people away. However, not only are my flaws a part of me, but having the particular set of flaws that I do has allowed me to get stronger in other ways as I’ve had to navigate life with them.

For example, I fear speaking up in a group setting for fear of being judged. As I practiced doing this more and more, I found greater self-confidence in facing my fear that I wouldn’t survive others’ criticism. My peers also got to watch me with pride as I stepped into this area of growth. I realize that the fear of speaking up in a group may never fully subside, but I embrace that the work I need to do to face it is building my own feelings of self-competence. As a result I can love myself there and have a lot more compassion for others working with their flaws.

Instead of Focusing on People Disappointing You, Own Your Part

As someone who can get easily ruffled by the other person not meeting my expectation in a relationship, I’ve learned how important it is to take space to evaluate my part in any dynamic that I’m experiencing. If I am focused too much on how the other person isn’t living up to my expectations I will be disappointed most of the time. However, if I look into what part I played, I have the control to change me. That leads me to feeling empowered and helps me to avoid feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions or behaviors to define myself.

So when I start to get frustrated because a guy I’m dating hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours, instead of presuming I’m not valuable, I can examine why I’m so upset. I may be upset because I gave my power over to him to define me by what actions he takes. Or maybe I didn’t share my preferences about what is important for me and I’m expecting him to read my mind. If I can tune into my own feelings, investigate and work on my own stuff, it brings clarity to be able to communicate better—instead of stewing in frustration.

Feel Shaky? Lead with Vulnerability

Lastly, one of the most helpful and challenging lessons I’ve learned is that when I feel shaky to communicate something challenging with another person, it’s good to lead with vulnerability. When we open with vulnerability, it allows the other person to see us authentically and invites them to meet us with authenticity. It opens a door for them to respond compassionately and honestly when it may be a difficult conversation to have.

It could look like,“I’m feeling awkward about continuing in the silence right now when I sense we’re a both feeling big feelings, it feels scary to break the silence, could I share with you what’s coming up for me right now?” When we name what’s going on for us, it’s helps to diffuse the intensity of what we’re feeling so that we can stay grounded as we go on to share our thoughts and feelings with someone. So try it!—next time you’re about to bring up something challenging with a boss or partner, lead with, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous to share this with you…”

Learning these skills at first is like acquiring knowledge that takes time to practice until I can embody the concepts and feel their full benefit in my relationships. As a Relationship School graduate I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned, more grateful for the friends I’ve met and most grateful for the experience of relationship coaching that has helped me to transform my relationships, with myself and others—so that now I can help you experience transformation in yours.

If you’re curious to experience relationship coaching and move past a place you feel stuck in your relationships on your own. Save your spot for a complimentary first session here.

Tune into the Most Important Heart This Valentine's --Yours

I know you’ve been feeling it—-those cringes of resistance, sadness, regret, fear, or mourning. If you’re not in the place you’d like to be in your relationship space, it’s no surprise that all the heart mugs, sweethearts candies and gushy pink cards in your face start to bring on a variety of feelings as our culture celebrates Valentine’s.

As a single I’ve felt for a minute like Valentine’s transports me back to a middle school dance, when people are partnering up and you’re looking around to wondering if there’s someone there choosing you. This time of year the awareness of a single’s relationship status goes on hyper drive; the amount of online dating activity surges, ex-boyfriends may come around with a HYD text, you start to consider whether you should give that guy that you’ve had a crush on at work a nice note in a variation of red that day.

In many ways all the color and candy and affection can be fun.

It also can be tempting at times to want to distract yourself by planning a dynamic Galentine’s event with your friends or burying your face in a bush for the day.

SO if that’s you, trying to ward off feeling any challenging emotions coming up, then maybe it’s time to tune into the most important heart—which is Yours.

The heart is the wellspring of our emotional life and therefore our romantic life. If you’re not in a place where you’d like to be romantically, I challenge you to try connecting to your heart first.

Here are three good ways to tune into what’s up for you in your heart space this Valentine’s season:

1. Give Yourself a Set Time of Silence - Set aside 10, 20, 40 minutes with a timer to just be silent and listen. Close your eyes, focus on your breathing. Notice sensations you’re feeling, notice your compulsion to distract yourself, notice what emotions come up, notice what desires or visions or ideas come up.

2. Write Down What You Noticed - Writing is a way we can “listen” to ourselves. Write down what you noticed in the silence. Tell yourself what you heard. What is your heart trying to tell you?

3. Ask a Friend to Give You a Time of Solid Listening - Call a friend to see if they’re up for meeting for coffee because you need to process through something. Ask them to listen to you for a set amount of time, no interruptions, so that you can talk out what is going on in your heart. If they can, ask them to reflect back what they heard you say. We can learn a lot about ourselves and what’s going on in our hearts by simple reflective listening.

These are great practices for anytime to prepare to make your love life better. And when the day comes that you discover that your crush likes you back. Then you’ll be able to go deeper with another as the currency of love is our heart’s ability to offer and receive love. You will be all the more rich in connection to yourself and your ability to communicate to a partner in a way that will set a great foundation for your future relationship life.

If you’d like more help tuning into your heart or finding out what may have you feeling blocked or stuck. I’m happy to support you on your journey to love. Schedule a time to talk here.

Won't Our Soulmate Just Find Us?

From the time we’re able to understand a bedtime story, we learn that one day “our prince will come”. He will find us and climb mountains to reach us and rescue us from all that might harm us. While this story is called a fairy tale for a reason, I believe there is something deep inside the female psyche that longs for love to find her.

Not only with Fairy Tales, but also, if you’re a spiritual woman who believes the Creator of the universe brings partners together, then it can be easy to settle into the mentality that my soulmate will just find me because it’s “meant to be”.

All the while in the year 2019, we woman are discovering and being challenged to go out and make things happen like never before!

So when it comes to our dating lives - which is better? - to take massive action to find and get a man or to recline in our modern castle tower waiting for our prince to make his ascent?

Well, let’s talk more about these ideas.

If we let our fairy tale mentality bleed into our dating lives, it can start to look like a lack of taking risks. We can play it safe and surround ourselves with good women friends, watch chick flicks, babysit our nieces, do our jobs well, meanwhile giving ourselves that one slim opportunity that the Amazon delivery guy is “Mr. HeavenSent”.

We may pride ourselves on how patient we’ve been in waiting for the right man to come, but blame the lack of results on the fact that there aren’t any good men out there. With this mentality we can have the subconscious belief that we’re somehow adding to the cinematic climax of our love story by not taking much action, so that the grand ending will be that much more amazing when our prince comes to save us. This mentality however, can actually be a subtle cover up for the real fear that lies underneath our inaction - often fears that prevent us from opening ourselves up to love and be loved by a man.

On the other hand, if we use the same approach as what’s led us to be successful women at work and take focused action to make a relationship happen, then the results can start to feel shaky. We may find ourselves acting out of insecurity, jealousies, or uncertainties. We can start to take on manipulative strategies. We may start to be more concerned with an outcome, like getting a ring on it, rather than feeling truly cherished and feeling respect for the man we are choosing. Doubt may start to creep in about whether a man truly loves us if we’re making all the moves and securing all the plans and he is just going along for the ride because we’re an easy catch.

I’m talking about both of these mentalities as extremes, but is there a healthy balance in the middle?

There is a fine balance, between taking action in our dating lives and trusting in an element of mystery when it comes to success in romance. What does it look like to trust in a divine process that’s actively working in our favor and all the while not give ourselves over to living passively comfortable lives?

To approach this process with balance, let’s consider for a moment the common dating advice you’ve probably heard before from your married, well-intended friends:

“The moment you stop looking for your husband, he will appear.”

While it may not feel like the most helpful advice, because the moment I ask you to stop thinking about the color orange, right now the color orange is flooding your conscious. However, there is evidence to support why people share this advice. I have seen this concept play out over and over again in my own friend’s and client’s lives. It does commonly happen, that when a woman decides to go travel the world or foster her own children or wait until she’s 50 to get married, that a good man for her shows up proposing she let him join her.

If we stop focusing on finding a relationship, then we may stop taking certain dating actions to make things happen. Or maybe we date, solely for the enjoyment of meeting new people and having fun experiences. Either way, in letting go of outcomes for a relationship, we feel freer to actively create fulfilling lives.

I believe that when we start to focus on our own pursuits, it releases all kinds of pressures and expectations—So that any man who shows up feels that sense of freedom to choose us because he wants to add to the fullness of life a woman’s already experiencing.

We find balance because we are actively making things happen in our own lives—practicing risk, vulnerability and self-love—all the while we are better prepared when love shows up, even if it looks nothing like what we expected. Surprisingly that “boy next door” type who was always nothing more than a friend suddenly becomes hotter than you ever thought. His interest in you is more consistent, sacrificial, and cherishing than you’ve ever experienced before.

So how can we be more active in making our lives better and open to being surprised by love?

1. Actively Pursue Dreams - Not for the purposes of attracting a man, but for the purposes of living your best life. If you take some time to get really quiet this week and give yourself permission to tune inside to that one thing you’ve been avoiding doing because it’s too scary—-listen and then take one small step to start towards that dream!

2. Clear Out Any Blocks - Explore if there could be past hurts, fears and feelings of unworthiness in your life. Do you lack of confidence, have a tendency to hide who you are and not open up, or keep a hard exterior because you’ve been hurt before? For your own mental and physical health, find a safe person or group to explore these blocks so you can create better connection in all of your relationships.

3. Hang Out an “Open Sign” - Are you open to people you are meeting in the world? Not just for small talk, but do you regularly open up in appropriately vulnerable ways? The key to being open is trusting yourself to create connections with people who are good for you and being able to walk away from those who aren’t. You are honoring your desire for connection without letting it rule you. Actively work through emotions or habits that cause you to show up as “closed” so instead you can start to display your “Open Sign”.

Attracting a partner is by no means a hard science. There is a je ne sais quoi element to every romance story that no one can give us the step by step directions for. Whether we are stuck in our own excessive waiting mindset or we are using all hands on deck to carry out “operation relationship”, I encourage you to take action to create your best life—whether that means doing personal growth work, opening a school for orphans in Africa or cleaning out that bedroom to make an office. Then stay open to various social connections, resting fully in your own womanly worthiness, knowing that mysteriously your action will prepare you to attract a surprisingly good relationship.

If you’d like support to explore how to create your best life or open yourself up in places where you know you’ve closed down. Schedule a time for us to talk here.

Are You Chasing Him or Just Being Friendly?

You had a great time on the date. You’re still laughing thinking about that one really funny thing he said that had you belly laughing. And there was the way he really engaged with you when you were talking. And you liked the way his shirt fit him around his chest. You’d say the date went really well!

It’s been 29 hours (but who’s counting?) since you said goodbye and there’s been no sign of contact from him. A sinking anxiety slowly settles into your gut.

You knew he was going to be spending the next couple of days taking his grandma on a road trip to California. So you think, maybe I’ll just text him a quick, “Hope you’re having an amazing trip with your grandma, safe travels!”

You debate back and forth. The feeling of anxiety is increasing in your gut. You are so curious to know what he’s thinking. Even a response back from him saying his trip is going well, would confirm to you that such a good date was not just a figment of your imagination.

You send the text.

You don’t hear back for another 5 hours, even though the message is marked “read”. He writes, “Thanks, the trip is going great!”

It feels flat to you and you feel bad for even having texted.

Ever been there before?

Is there anything wrong with sending a friendly text to a man while dating or is it what many would call “chasing” a man and advise against?

I am a believer that men are obvious with their actions if they are interested in a woman and that they value what they have to take risks for.

So I think a better question is—-what is his lack of communication/clarity bringing up for you? If some time has passed and he hasn’t contacted you after a date, what feelings start to come up for you?

AND

How are those feelings driving your actions?

Where is your motivation coming from— Does your desire to reach out with a friendly text (or stop by his work or make him cookies) come from feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or a compulsion to have a certain outcome?

OR is it coming from a place of wanting to express, connect, compliment, thank, etc. A place of generosity where you feel confident in who you are and are unattached to the outcome?

If it’s one of the more difficult feelings, identify if there is a story underneath that feeling and if it is saying something like:

• If he doesn’t want me, that confirms that I’m not good enough for him.

• Or I’m not pretty enough.

• Or if I’m not in control of making this relationship happen then it won’t because I’m not worthy of being loved without earning it.

  Is there a story that could be driving a chase?

I like to define “chasing” as having the energetic quality that feels like desperation—like a person is trying to get something, usually validation, from the other person instead of wanting to know that person in order to build a loving connection.

Because men can smell desperation energy a mile away. When he feels this it speaks loudly to a healthy man that a woman isn’t prepared to value herself in a relationship and that this could lead to more problems and drama later on.

So what’s wrong with a woman chasing (calling, texting, giving gifts etc.) to a man? Well I’d say none of those things are wrong in themselves. But check yourself before you do—am I setting out to make a loving connection with this man or I am coming from a place where I am needing some kind of validation?

If it’s the latter - just hold off.

And go find something you love to do that feels much better!

If you find yourself in that place where your interactions with men come more from a place of needing validation and you’d want to explore more why that is happening for you, let’s have a conversation. Schedule a time to talk here.

Love You, and He'll Follow Suit

Years ago I made a commitment to myself to buy as much Organic food as possible. Even though I felt the pain as I looked at my grocery bill, I considered it a long-term investment in health. My housemate watches me eat Organic food day after day, so the other day when I asked her to grab me a spice from the store, she comes back with the top of the line Organic version.

At first I thought how nice of her not to skimp and come back with the cheapest one. Then it occurred to me that since she sees me buying Organic food all the time, she just followed suit and got the kind she assumed I’d buy for myself.

I thought about how this concept works when it comes to dating and relationships too.

The truth is we are informing people all the time about how to treat us, by the way we treat ourselves. And this is never more obvious than in the process of dating.

Let’s say you’re out with a guy and it’s getting late. You have to get up early the next day for a work meeting. You told him that you need to be in bed at 11pm. It’s 10:30pm, he asks you if you’d be up for catching a last drink at a great place just down the block.

How do you handle this? - Do you stick to your own curfew knowing that you’ll feel much better the next day? Or do you notice how excited he is to show you this other place and cave into his energy, telling yourself that you’ll just let your curfew slide this time?

The thing is, that if you already mentioned earlier in the date that you want to be in bed by 11pm, it can feel like he’s rude because he’s inviting you to something after the time you said you needed to go home. But the fact is many times men will test a woman early on in the dating process, whether consciously or subconsciously.

He’s testing her to see how she sticks to her own boundaries. He’s finding out what she will allow him to get away with and what she won’t. He’s watching you to inform him how to treat you.

So I wanted to share a few key areas that you can focus on practically loving yourself during (or in preparation for) the dating process:

1. Share your honest Preferences - You may want to be an easy “go with the flow” kind of woman and there are times that is a valuable trait. But if he’s inviting you to go 4 wheeling in a mud field and it seems like something that would give you a panic attack, by all means, tell him that and communicate that you’d love to spend time with him, but that you’d feel better with X, Y, Z kind of activity. He will learn to consider what you enjoy and want to make you happy.

2. Speak Up About Your Feelings - Did he shut down something you said in front of your friends that made you feel hurt? If it’s bothering you and getting in the way of relating with him, you should speak up! At an appropriate time, share how what he did impacted you and how you felt. Sometimes people in our lives unintentionally hurt us and they get to know how they can love us by sharing how their actions impact us. He will learn to respect and care for your feelings.

3. Don’t Give All of Your Time and Energy Away Too Soon - Let him earn a place in your life. It can be tempting when you find someone that you are very attracted to or could talk with all night, to want to spend hours and days with them right away. But the fact is you give trust to every other person in your life over time. Make it no different with a guy you just met. He will learn to honor your time and value your sharing from your heart.

4. Guard Time for Yourself - Often the activities you love are part of what draws a man to you. Whether it’s an afternoon coloring with a warm cup of tea or traveling to the beach with your best friend each year. Don’t let the whirl of emotions in getting to know a new man keep you from the things you love. He will learn to cherish your differences and encourage you in what makes you shine.

Making choices like these to love yourself—-even minor choices like honoring your own bedtime—will challenge him to step up to treat you well. Also, when you treat yourself well certain men you date will not be up for the task (because they’re operating as self-centered/low-value/disinterested) and they’ll quickly show themselves the exit when they realize you won’t tolerate bad treatment. And that’s one less man you need to filter out yourself!

If you find it challenging to honor yourself in certain areas of the dating process and would like another person in your court, I’m glad to set up a time for a conversation here.

Make the Most of Singleness So You'll Have the Best Relationship

Human beings love to peek through the rails of our neighbor’s fence, assured that their grass is most definitely softer, lusher, greener than ours. As single women it’s easy to gaze longingly at your best friend’s life while she kisses her husband and proceeds to snuggle with her baby.

While we long for a good partnership to be ours, it can be easy to forget to take advantage of the moments we have now. In fact when we live in the certainty that the partnership we want is only just a matter of time, we are more likely to prepare ourselves for the best love possible.

But how can we prepare?

Here are five powerful ways that single women can prepare right now to draw in a great partnership. (and often it draws a man in more quickly!)

1. Invest in building and deepening your current social network. Do you have friends that you really enjoy, but haven’t seen for a while? Do you have a conflict that you’ve been putting off addressing with someone? Are there invites that you are turning down because you’re just “too tired”? Sometimes we’ve gotten lazy in the amount of effort that we’re investing in our current relationships and as a result we may feel more isolated and out of touch. Often the strength of the relationship we attract in a partner can be similar to the quality of the relationships we have now. So if you’re not happy in your friendships or family/community connections—start making those relationships better now. They will be the people who will support you too as you are dating and prevent you from jumping into a relationship that isn’t good for you or encourage you when there is a good opportunity to continue with a good prospect.

2. Take advantage of the time you have now (that you’re not spending with a partner) to invest in your personal growth. While relationships can bring up our issues in a way not many other things can, we can do more self-reflective work on ourselves by way of counseling, reading growth oriented books, attending support groups or seeking out coaching. These kinds of outside perspectives can help you gain insight into tendencies or patterns of behavior that could be shifted in order for you to attract and create a good partnership. The less baggage we carry into a partnership, the more energy we’ll have to love and receive love from a good man.

3. Start dating and see it as a means of gaining experiences. Dating is a great opportunity to gain so much experience in relating to people. Though it may be tempting to want to just jump into a relationship and skip getting to know different people, we can learn so much while navigating our preferences about what we like in a person, knowing what our boundaries are and practicing communicating them, as well as practicing enjoying the moments with a new person without clinging too tightly to a specific outcome. All of those kinds of skills will play out over and over again in a long-term relationship, so why not start practicing now.

4. Seek out experiences that you couldn’t do as easily if you had a partner/family to be responsible for. Did your friend invite you to go spontaneously to Egypt next week? You’re excited about it, so why not go because you can! Take sky diving classes, learn to dance, pursue that dream of what you feel called to do while you have less strings attached. Doing these kinds of things will make your life richer and you will give off that “Happy” scent that men love. (it really can’t be bought in a bottle=)

5. Seek out ways that you can serve others that is meaningful to you. As singles, it’s easy to slide into a somewhat self-centered lifestyle. Entering a partnership means not only having the love you want, but also learning to give in ways that serve the other person. So you can start now and build those muscles. What area of the world stirs your heart where you’d like to help make a difference? Who in your circles could use some help this week? What church, club, group, class might benefit from you stepping up to offer your gifts? Stretch yourself and you will see how you’ll gain more than you give.

Putting these five things into practice will prepare you to be the person who creates an amazing partnership. And it will give you more confidence to show up as a sexier you —so go get ready girl!