Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

If You Spot It, You've Probably Got It

One of the fascinating ironies about humans is that we often think it’s easier to change other people, rather than change ourselves. When actually it’s completely out of our control to ever change other people.

Take for example, while dating, a man shares about how often he works with a woman. The woman concludes this man is a workaholic and she sees it as an invitation for her to help him to stop working as much. She fantasizes that her love will inspire him to change so that he’d spend more time with her. While this sounds well-intentioned—it’s actually setting herself up for major disappointment, because she will never be able to make him change.

This woman will most likely experience disappointment because one day her fantasy that she’ll be able to change him will burst. Yet if she uses the pain to become self-aware, she may realize that the very issue she saw so clearly in her partner, is actually the work she needs to tend to in herself.

Personally, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror a handful of times, while judging an ex’s problem, and saw a similar ugly problem looking right back at me. Sure it may not have looked the same as their XYZ issue, but I recognized that I got the same root of their issue, with a different manifestation.

It can be alluring to try to change the other person, because it helps us to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of facing our own “not so pretty” problems. For example, If a man gets caught up in “Miss Drama’s” world where she’s always running out of money or mismanaging her schedule or reacting in excessive outbursts, it can make him feel good to think that he can try to rescue her. But he ends up looking like a juggler that tosses all 5 of their balls in the air and scrambles to catch none. While scrambling after balls, he thinks he’s avoided feeling his own depression.

This rescue mode feels good in the moment because we are creating a connection through that person’s dependency on us. And if they become “dependent” on us to meet a responsibility that is theirs alone to meet, then it seemingly lowers the risk of them rejecting or abandoning us.

It is a way of protecting ourselves from the fear of not being lovable enough so we make ourselves worthy by rescuing. This way the connection is formed based on one-way give and take, not on mutual giving or risking vulnerability. The one being rescued may stay for a while because you’re making it easier for them, but they don’t offer genuine love—and you end up resentful—becase you never see the change or “payback” in the relationship for all the investment you’ve made.

If you can relate to this pattern in your relationships, there is hope that you can stop the pattern in order to create mutual, supportive, and emotionally available relationships. When you recognize the pattern, there’s hope of creating a relationship where you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are and both persons have a vested interest in meeting the needs of the person, instead of trying to change them.

If you’re in one of these relationships or have a past relationship with this dynamic, here are 3 tips for starting your change process:

1. Notice Where You Are Rescuing Them and Stop - What’s common in many healing processes is the first step to acknowledgement the problem. Do you notice when you tend to rescue someone? What prompts you to do it? What makes it hard to stop? How is it serving you to try to rescue them?

2. Identify What Feelings You’ve Been Avoiding When You Stop - What comes up for you emotionally when you decide to change the behavior you’d normally do? What kinds of sensation do you feel? What kinds of compulsions do you notice?

3. Use the Problem(s) that You Spotted in Them to Discover Your Own Work - What are the problems that you normally are drawn to fix in others? —-Lack of presence, over-working, substance abuse, criticism, manipulation, avoidance, anxiety, depression. See if you have a similar manifestation of the same problem. For example, someone could be drawn to very self-centered people and while they don’t seem selfish, they use their sacrificial serving others as a selfish way to win approval.

If you’re feeling down on yourself because you’re currently facing the disappointing reality that the person you’ve been with will never change to be the person you need in a relationship, it may be a good time to let all the issues you spotted in your partner be a starting point for you to explore your own areas of growth to make this or your next relationship even better.

If you’re noticing these patterns and would like outside support to get clarity and help on your next steps towards healing and growth, set up a complimentary hour coaching conversation here.