When He’s Not Doing What you Want

You’re waiting for a man to follow through from your last date. He mentioned that he’s always wanted to check out ax throwing and that you could go together, but you haven’t heard a peep from him since the date.

Or when you’ve been dating for a while and it bothers you that after the first date he’s expecting you to pay for half of everything. You’d feel better if he paid for most things because it makes you feel romanced and relaxed in your feminine.

Or you’ve been dating for 9 months and you’ve thought a lot about marrying this guy. But he has not mentioned or brought up one thing about the future nor shown an interest to even lock you down for a committed relationship.

Or how your partner never takes out the trash out when it’s full vs. when it’s completely overflowing and smelly.

If he would just…….

• text me to follow up on what he said

• lead and pay for dates

• initiate the idea of exclusivity

• take out the trash without me having to remind him

……then I would feel better—I’d feel more secure or happy or loved. etc.

There are times to bring things up and ask for what you want in relationships.

But more often than not these points of frustration are a warning sign that it’s time to take your focus off him and put it back on what you can control. You are the author of creating happiness in your life and a good relationship adds to that happiness.

If it has snuck up on you that your sense of well-being is riding on a man’s specific behavior, that can not only ruin your mood, but it also can be a de-motivating turn off for men.

When we are wanting a specific behavior from anyone and basing our hapiness on it, then we are seeking happiness outside of our control. Instead of believing that God’s gift of life and the joy we create by the decisions we make are the source of our contentment, we put pressure on those around us to be responsible for our happiness, which was never their responsibility to begin with.

Of course, healthy relationships have conditions and standards so that both people feel like they can get their needs met. Yet it’s important that those come as desires and requests vs. heavy unspoken demands. These will feel energetically different.

Here are a couple of ways it will feel when we are outsourcing our happiness to a man.

• You feel anxious and unable to focus on your everyday tasks

• You become reactive to him in a way that feels like over the top for the situation

• You spend a lot of energy setting the guy up to do what you want him to do, ie. start the commitment conversation or “check-in” by text to see if everything is ok

• Your mind is fixated on this outcome, your girlfriends have heard about it multiple times

All of these feel heavy and are an energy suck.

Instead of noticing when you desire a different experience and it feels light and worthy of being met.

When we have a desire for a man to show up in a certain way, but we are not attached to the outcome and we don’t let the outcome define us, we are more likely to express ourselves in ways that feel lighter to a man.

We’ll think things like:

“It would feel so nice if a man texted me after a date to plan our next date before I even thought about it, but if not I’ll go out with my girlfriends and not worry about it.”

“I would feel secure if a man shared his thoughts about me for his plans for us in the future, but I trust that I’ll make good decisions for my life if I don’t see signs of this relationship moving in that direction.”

“I would feel so trusting if my husband took the trash out regularly with out it overflowing and I never needed to mention it, but if not I’ll just put it in places so it doesn’t bother me and he doesn’t forget.”

When we think this way, it feels authentically lighter. We are trusting and believing that we have our best interest at heart and that if a man doesn’t meet our standards, we’ll make a good decision to either make a request, make a compromise or let the relationship go.

There is a core belief that even if he doesn’t do X, it doesn’t take an ounce of validation away from my worth. I can always accept or reject his actions.

I invite you to think about a current situation where you’re wanting a man’s behavior to be different.

Then ask yourself:

What would I feel if that situation changed?

What would I gain from that result?

What would it confirm or validate about me?

What feelings would it cause me to avoid feeling?

When you have the answers to those questions, then you’ll know where you can begin to attend to your feelings, you’ll know what you need and how you can take your focus away from that man doing X. Instead ask yourself, how can I help myself feel the way I want to feel based on what I can control, to create happiness from the inside out?

If you’d like support in walking through your relationship challenge to get to the core of what’s making your experiences heavy vs. light in your dating and relationship, reach out here to schedule an initial chat to see how I’d support you to maximize your happiness.

Your Full Life Will Lead You to Your Dream Man

Dating over the years, I got undesirable outcomes when I was living from an empty cup.

It looked like a hot guy who made effort at the beginning—Good morning texts, plans to go mini-golfing and dinner, curious about my favorite vacation, told me I had a cute smile and then at the end of the date when I was feeling tingling and hopeful, the subtle sexual innuendo started. While he couched it in the middle of a talk about his favorite sports team, I’d brush off the discomfort in my chest because I’d just discovered him as the best thing I had going in my life.

He didn’t have that much to compete with. I was working in a job where the boredom drove me to waste my after hours scrolling social media or giving my time to friends who always seemed to be one decision away from a major life crisis. Which, in comparison, made my problem of putting my own dreams and desires last, seem relatively minor.

When men asked me what my hobbies were I told them I used to like playing the piano or baking a cake, but the honest truth was that I hadn’t done those things in over a fifteen years. When they asked me why I didn’t do them, I’d explain how long-term chronic illness led me into self-pity parties that I had a hard time leaving because they made such reasonable excuses for why I needed to avoid new or fun things and just survive the next day.

So when Mr. Rico Suave entered my dating options with a few interested questions, he was it—life itself!

When you are not living a life that makes you feel alive, full, or engaged, your dating process will feel like you’re stomach’s been empty for days, and a crumb of attention feels like the promise of a 5 course meal.

When I went out with a guy and he’d start to make physical moves before I felt comfortable, I’d go along because subconsciously I thought, “this is the price I need to pay for the food I need.” I’d let him cross my own boundaries and mistook his physical desire for serious interest and capacity for a long-term relationship.

Until his texting turned completely sexual and when I changed the subject, he’d turn my comment about loving fruit salad into something much less innocent. My stomach twisted into knots and at the same time I felt a rush of excitement that I didn’t normally feel in my regular life, which made it all so confusing.

Then came his last minute invites, late arrivals, lack of planning, Crumb. After. Crumb. He lured my heart into his force field with the promise of his attention. When I gave my time to him for so little investment, he realized how little he needed to give in order to benefit from the situation.

The hard truth I faced when those connections came to painful endings, was that I was looking for another person to fill up my unfulfilling life. If I was going to feel nourished, alive and loved, I needed to create my own sense of fullness in my life in very practical ways.

Positive affirmations are helpful, prayers, meditation, counseling and therapy groups—-are all very helpful but they will be like flushing your money down the toilet if you don’t take actions that communicate to yourself that you love yourself in the most practical of ways—by creating a great life—full of friends, community, goals, little ones, family, creative projects, missions, great environments, etc.

Can you imagine a man verbally proclaiming his undying love to you day after day, but he never keeps his word to you, nor introduces you to his family or nor stops seeing other women? Yet, we ourselves can nod yes to the fact that we love ourselves, but our actions don’t show it in our lives. And men take cues on how to love us by our own good self-treatment.

If you can relate to your life not being as fulfilling as you’d like right now—-what steps can you take to turn that around?

There are a million things you can do, but I’d like to offer you 3 areas where you can start:

1. Beautify - What is one “clean up” project that you’ve been putting off for a long time that you can take care of? This could be your garage, your bookshelf, your toenails, your car—-you name it, but having it done will make you feel better!

2. Ignite Passion - What is one hobby that you used to love so much that time would fly by without you noticing it? Sign up for the class, interview the mentor, get the supplies or equipment—-it’s not a waste of time!

3. Create a Thrill - What is something you’ve been thinking about doing, but it scares you a little bit (or a lot!) and it makes you very curious at the same time? It could be jumping out of a airplane, joining Toastmasters, starting up a side business, creating an online profile, or having that hard conversation with a friend. Take the risk!

Do something from each of these categories and you’ll start to notice how your emotional range begins to increase—you’ll start to feel a sense of pride, pleasure and the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone (and not dying!) All of these feelings will increase your sense of happiness, purpose and pleasure in your life. (Which become very attractive to a good partner for you!)

And the next time Mr. Rico Suave calls you up for a 9pm booty call, you’ll tell him you can’t because you’re auditioning for the musical Annie in the morning (or your new project). He’ll get that he needs to make more effort to see you and will step up or show himself to the door. Then surely, better quality men will show up to compete with your full life, with the intent to make it even better.

Kristen loves supporting women as they walk through dating or a breakup process. f you would like specific support to create a life you love so you can improve your love life, schedule a free 30 minutes chat here to learn more.

Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

Why Healing Allows Us to Live Balanced in Our Feminine Energy

Stacey grew up in a household where the men got most of the attention. Her mother found her value in making sure everyone else was OK, and she rarely expressed herself or her emotions. Stacey soon learned that opening her heart or expressing her feelings wasn’t worth the pain of going unseen so she learned to protect herself by stepping more into her masculine energy to get attention—by performing, “one-upping” her brothers, or trying to do things perfectly to prove her worth.

The problem was that Stacey felt very unseen. She was sensitive and felt emotions deeply, so when she learned to shut down that part of her — she lost a part of herself which limited access to her feminine energy. She also learned not to need too much because rarely did someone seem to respond to her non-physical needs. So she started to serve everyone else in lieu of recognizing her own needs or expressing how she felt.

As a result Stacey learned to live most of the time in her masculine energy - avoiding vulnerability, disconnecting from her desires/needs, closing down her expressiveness and awareness of her sensuality.

For women like Stacey who’ve shut down a lot of their feminine energy, they can practice behaviors to shift into their feminine energy—like self-care, pleasurable activities, sharing their feelings more etc., however, until a woman takes time to heal the root cause that led her to shut down her feminine energy, it will be hard for her to go there regularly.

Feminine energy naturally flows from a woman who is emotionally healthy, confident and accepts who she is. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or maintaining attraction with masculine men, it could be helpful to look into what needs to be healed.

When women heal the wounds that cause us to start self-protecting, shutting down—and basically turning off our feminine glow—then we start to glow again! And we are able to live balanced, like the Ying Yang symbol, where we spend the majority of our time in our feminine (the swish) with less time in our masculine (the dot). We can honor and enjoy the side of ourselves that is expressive or receptive and we can create structure and get things done when needed.

Yet, in today’s world, many women spend more time in the workforce where there are still more accolades for operating in masculine energy than feminine, and it can be easy for women who’ve shut down their feminine side to gain their value in performing, without exploring what could be underneath the lack of aliveness or passion in other areas of their lives.

Sadly this has negatively affected male/female partnerships because the woman is less available to be vulnerable with a man when she comes home to her partner. When she’s predominantly very busy, she’s less available to connect to her emotions, which can break down a romantic connection because a man is drawn win over a woman when he intuitively knows that she is comfortable in expressing her emotions. (Read more on Feminine energy and dating here.)

If you’re a woman that recognizes that you spend a lot of your energy in your masculine and you feel burnt out or unsatisfied in your relationships, here are some steps to consider as you seek healing for more balance:

1. Identify the Pain - Start to notice, where do you get defensive or easily offended in relationships. What triggers you or gets you upset? Where do you intend to communicate, but avoid following through? What is the story that comes up for you when you feel something, but have a hard time expressing it? It takes some personal exploration through journaling, hearing other people’s stories, or meeting with a therapist etc. to unravel the protective ways we’ve covered up our pain—but it’s worth every penny to spend the time identifying it.

2. Express Your Pain in a Safe/Supportive Environment - Find a safe person/people to share your pain. Whether a best friend, a recovery group, a counselor/coach, pastor etc. let yourself be seen in a place where you’ve held onto hurt—perhaps for years. To be human is to experience pain. The people who are safe to hold space for you will understand and feel trusted as you open up to them.

3. Take Responsibility for a New Choice - Decide that you don’t want to lived closed down any longer and that it’s worth it to feel the pain so that you can heal. Decide that you want to show up with all parts of you in your relationships, including valuing your feminine energy. This happens by taking the above healing steps AND choosing to consciously shift your energy into your feminine.

The best part about living balanced in our feminine energy is that it literally just feels better (it balances our hormones!). Imagine letting go of trying so hard at life and trying to prove your worth. You—my Queen Bee—are intrinsically worthy of that.

If you’d like support getting to the root of your healing through coaching conversations and help to practically live balanced in your feminine/masculine energy, set up a time to chat with me here.

If You Spot It, You've Probably Got It

One of the fascinating ironies about humans is that we often think it’s easier to change other people, rather than change ourselves. When actually it’s completely out of our control to ever change other people.

Take for example, while dating, a man shares about how often he works with a woman. The woman concludes this man is a workaholic and she sees it as an invitation for her to help him to stop working as much. She fantasizes that her love will inspire him to change so that he’d spend more time with her. While this sounds well-intentioned—it’s actually setting herself up for major disappointment, because she will never be able to make him change.

This woman will most likely experience disappointment because one day her fantasy that she’ll be able to change him will burst. Yet if she uses the pain to become self-aware, she may realize that the very issue she saw so clearly in her partner, is actually the work she needs to tend to in herself.

Personally, I’ve stared at myself in the mirror a handful of times, while judging an ex’s problem, and saw a similar ugly problem looking right back at me. Sure it may not have looked the same as their XYZ issue, but I recognized that I got the same root of their issue, with a different manifestation.

It can be alluring to try to change the other person, because it helps us to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of facing our own “not so pretty” problems. For example, If a man gets caught up in “Miss Drama’s” world where she’s always running out of money or mismanaging her schedule or reacting in excessive outbursts, it can make him feel good to think that he can try to rescue her. But he ends up looking like a juggler that tosses all 5 of their balls in the air and scrambles to catch none. While scrambling after balls, he thinks he’s avoided feeling his own depression.

This rescue mode feels good in the moment because we are creating a connection through that person’s dependency on us. And if they become “dependent” on us to meet a responsibility that is theirs alone to meet, then it seemingly lowers the risk of them rejecting or abandoning us.

It is a way of protecting ourselves from the fear of not being lovable enough so we make ourselves worthy by rescuing. This way the connection is formed based on one-way give and take, not on mutual giving or risking vulnerability. The one being rescued may stay for a while because you’re making it easier for them, but they don’t offer genuine love—and you end up resentful—becase you never see the change or “payback” in the relationship for all the investment you’ve made.

If you can relate to this pattern in your relationships, there is hope that you can stop the pattern in order to create mutual, supportive, and emotionally available relationships. When you recognize the pattern, there’s hope of creating a relationship where you are worthy of being loved for exactly who you are and both persons have a vested interest in meeting the needs of the person, instead of trying to change them.

If you’re in one of these relationships or have a past relationship with this dynamic, here are 3 tips for starting your change process:

1. Notice Where You Are Rescuing Them and Stop - What’s common in many healing processes is the first step to acknowledgement the problem. Do you notice when you tend to rescue someone? What prompts you to do it? What makes it hard to stop? How is it serving you to try to rescue them?

2. Identify What Feelings You’ve Been Avoiding When You Stop - What comes up for you emotionally when you decide to change the behavior you’d normally do? What kinds of sensation do you feel? What kinds of compulsions do you notice?

3. Use the Problem(s) that You Spotted in Them to Discover Your Own Work - What are the problems that you normally are drawn to fix in others? —-Lack of presence, over-working, substance abuse, criticism, manipulation, avoidance, anxiety, depression. See if you have a similar manifestation of the same problem. For example, someone could be drawn to very self-centered people and while they don’t seem selfish, they use their sacrificial serving others as a selfish way to win approval.

If you’re feeling down on yourself because you’re currently facing the disappointing reality that the person you’ve been with will never change to be the person you need in a relationship, it may be a good time to let all the issues you spotted in your partner be a starting point for you to explore your own areas of growth to make this or your next relationship even better.

If you’re noticing these patterns and would like outside support to get clarity and help on your next steps towards healing and growth, set up a complimentary hour coaching conversation here.

How to Lean Towards Relationships When Stress is Leading You Away

Rachel sits at home petting her cat. She is finding it hard to focus these days with the world experiencing a global pandemic. Only a few weeks ago her biggest concerns were the tension at work with her boss and whether that cute guy at her gym would ask her out. Now she doesn’t see either of them.

Now her concerns feel more serious. How will she make it being isolated alone for months? She worries about losing her job because many co-workers have lost theirs. Now she’s expected to do more work at home in the same about of time. And her dating life? Well, all this stress has her pushing it aside. She thinks, “Why would I want to add any more crazy feelings of anxiety to my life when I’m already feeling on edge about everything?” She kisses her cat and turns on another episode of Love is Blind.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? That when we feel a lot of stress that we want to avoid any potential feelings of discomfort in dating and relationships. I’m the first to admit that I’ve avoided relationships in my life so I wouldn’t have to risk confronting issues and feeling bad. However, pulling away from relationships at times has left me feeling painfully alone.

It’s understandable that we react this way if we’ve experienced past relationships where we felt unsafe or rejected. If you’ve had bad experiences in relationships in the past, of course you’d fear entering a relationship that could bring more feelings of insecurity, rejection or pain.

When we attempt to self-protect from feeling that kind of pain again, instead of seeking healing and moving toward a relationship, we actually miss out on the potential benefits of a good partnership. Supportive partnerships are known to lower stress levels in difficult circumstances, provide more physical contact with direct health benefits and give us opportunities to work through interpersonal communication in order to experience exponential growth beyond what any self-help book could do.

However, even if we know this to be true, why, for some of us, does it become hard to lean towards a partnership in the middle of stressful times? Even while we’re in a partnership we can become more reactive to our partners and therefore pulling away, manipulating or blaming others for the intense feelings that we’re not so sure how to deal with on our own.

So whether you’re avoiding partnership altogether or find yourself pulling away in a partnership now that you’re spending more time together in the quarantine, here are a few suggestions to consider in order to lean towards relationships so that you can experience their live-giving benefits in a crisis:

1. Ask a Safe Person in Your Life to Listen - Whether you’re single or in a partnership, reach out to a safe person in your life and ask them if you can share honestly what you are experiencing right now. Ask them if they’ll give you 10 minutes to just listen and be willing to share what emotions are coming up for you so that you can be heard. In expressing yourself honestly, you are letting another person into your life and validating that what you’re experiencing is normal. While this seems simple, it can feel challenging to let yourself receive the emotional support that you need right now, believing that others are busy with their own problems. But it’s surprising what people are willing to give us when we ask for exactly what we need.

2. Let Your Emotions Move Through You - Moving towards relationships often requires first moving towards ourselves. What are we feeling now as we sit at home without our normal activities, distractions or numbing habits? Can you get in touch with what’s really going on when you say now is not the time for you to date? What do you really want from your partner right now? How did what your partner say honestly impact you? It can be easy under stress to default to ignoring our own emotions or trying to caretake everyone else’s emotions to avoid tuning into your own. How can you give yourself time to feel? You won’t feel angry or sad or alone for ever—emotions are meant to be felt and to move through you.

3. Take One Step Towards Relationship - Is there something that you normally resist doing in relationships because it feels too edgy? Maybe it’s sharing one level more intimately with a guy on a video date. Maybe it’s admitting first to a partner that you were wrong. What would it look like for you to decide to take one step towards relationship? This can be challenging if you are already feeling stress, but what if taking this step could result in a deeper connection that would support you emotionally and physically in this time—wouldn’t that be worth it?

4. Get Support to Do Something New - If you feel stuck because your relationships aren’t working, often getting support helps to do something different than what you’ve always done. Get the support of a friend before you decide to have that hard conversation with a partner about handling the kids. You could join a singles dating group, where you meet regularly to share your online dating experiences. Maybe it’s time to get professional support to work through your anxiety around men that paralyzes you from moving forward in a relationship. Whatever it is, getting support demonstrates a strength that you’re willing to give yourself what you need so that you can create a supportive relationship.

So if you’re hunkered down with your cat, enjoying the simplicity of their furry companionship, but deep down yearning to have more engaging conversations with a partner who gets you or have a nurturing physical connection with a partner that soothes your nervous system in stressful times, maybe it’s time to consider what ONE step you can take today to lean in towards relationship. Because while clothes, food, shelter, health, and furry companions are wonderful, what makes life meaningful amidst suffering is love.

From now until May 8th, I’m offering ten individual coaching sessions around a relationship challenge you may be experiencing in the COVID quarantine. Click here to answer a few questions to reserve your session.

Anxious? Shift Into Your Feminine Energy

I’m not generally a very anxious person, but when it comes to dating, I’ve had more than my fair share of anxiety. In fact it got so bad in grad school that when a guy I had crush on was coming over, I had to have my housemate sit on me for 20 minutes because I was shaking so hard that I couldn’t calm down.

So I get it If you’ve been dating and feeling anxiety come as you navigate your experiences. Especially right now when our whole world has been thrown into major changes from the Corona Virus, it’s likely a lot of human beings are experiencing anxiety from the uncertainty of their financial security, relationships and health.

If you’re someone who’s been feeling quite anxious to the point of overwhelm, especially when related to dating, I’m going to share a few reasons why this happens and how shifting into your feminine energy can help.

If you get anxious in dating you may recognize that certain situations trigger you. This can happen:

1. When a person pulls away, doesn’t text or call you back - Maybe the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates went really well and you started to think, maybe this could be your guy, but then it drops off suddenly and you don’t hear from him at all. You text him to check in, but he doesn’t respond for 2 days. The anxiety kicks in.

2. When you’re not getting what you need- When you know that you want a person who talks respectfully about his mom or who pays attention to details to make sure you feel good on a date or calls you consistently throughout the week, but you’re not getting that. You come up with reasons why he’s that way and ignore honoring what would feel good for you. The anxiety kicks in.

3. When you’re not being yourself- Your date takes you to a restaurant with bacon in every dish, but you’re vegan, you don’t speak up and instead try to make it work for you. You laugh at his jokes that are partially offensive. You cancel your favorite gym class to spend time with him. These can be the start of compromising in small ways who you really are. You put in a lot of effort to be someone you think your date would like. The anxiety kicks in.

4. When they don’t seem as into you are you are into them- Are you waiting by your phone to see his text pop up? Did he tell you he wasn’t sure about when he’d be free this week? Does he not seem sure about the kind of relationship he wants or his contact has been “on” one week and “off” the next 2 weeks? If you’ve got strong feelings for a guy that isn’t making you a priority with his communication nor taking action to be with you. The anxiety kicks in.

5. When you are fantasizing about who a guy really is- You’ve gone on 2 dates with this guy and you are imaging how great he’d be playing with the daughter that you’ve always wanted. So you stop entertaining all other date options and start to focus only on him. But you don’t really even know who he is yet. The anxiety kicks in.

In each of these scenarios a woman gives her value over to another person for them to define her. She is usually making meaning of a man’s behavior and letting it dictate whether she is worthy, lovable or attractive enough to get the love that she desires.

When we are giving another person the power to define our worth, we stop drawing our innate value from who we are—the amazing, uniquely beautiful, talented, sensual, funny, light-hearted, compassionate, resourceful, creative woman that we are. When we don’t stand in our innate value, we tend to go more into our masculine energy, which is about making things happen and fixing things. We start to feel anxious in order to not feel the emotions that are coming up, which is suppressing our feminine nature that naturally feels emotions easily. This causes problems in our experiences with men, because they can sense that action oriented energy is covering up for our lack of belief in our own value.

On the other hand, when we stand in the truth of our worth as women, we shift into the power of our feminine energy.

A woman in her feminine energy knows that her essential being is valuable, powerful and desirable. There is nothing that she has to do to earn or gain the affection of a man or anyone else in her life. While the masculine energy takes action and makes things happen to attract a partner, the feminine rests in her value, which looks like honoring her feelings, speaking up about her desires, honoring her body and the intuitive information that it gives her. The feminine takes time to go inward to see what she is feeling. Instead of keeping herself busy and doing activities to numb their feelings, she tunes in to give herself time to feel and then acts on what feels good or creates boundaries around what feels bad.

So shifting into this feminine energy can help us to overcome anxiety in many ways, here are 3 specific ideas:

1. Resting in Your Value - Whether that means telling yourself the truth about your value daily or reminding yourself in the face of a financial crisis that you are worthy to receive the things that you need. Start to see yourself as the prize that a man gets to have when he treats you in the way that feels good, nourishing and creates security for you. Then qualify the man—is he good enough for you? Do you want him as he is?

2. Get Curious - what am I feeling about this experience?—write down all the feelings. Where is this feeling coming from? Instead of reaching for your phone to call a guy in attempts to relieve yourself from the unbearable anxiety that he’s not texting you, how can you sit with yourself and get curious about your feelings?

3. Notice Your Body’s Intuition - Notice when you start to feel tension around your heart or start to clench in your pelvis or when your gut feels like it’s tied in knots. Then close your eyes and ask yourself - what is my body telling me right now. So often our bodies have wisdom for us about a dating situation before we realize that wisdom on a conscious level.

Once we gain awareness of the experiences that cause the anxiety to kick in for us, it can be helpful to start to take steps to both increase our own sense of self-worth as well as taking time to check in with what’s coming up for us in our feeling space.

When anxiety comes on, it can be a way to numb our emotions. When this happens we sometimes want to make the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety go away by going into our masculine energy. For instance we think by taking action to get a man’s response we’ll feel better. However, it’s rare that we ever feel better when we grasp at getting a man’s attention, instead of resting in the knowledge that we deserve what we actually want—for the guy to freely choose to reach out to us because he wants to. He is free to choose and we are assured of our value no matter what happens.

If you're experiencing anxiety and having trouble getting to the root of it on your own, it can be helpful to get support explore ways to shift into your feminine energy. Schedule a coaching session below to feel calmer and confident in your relationships.

Tune into the Most Important Heart This Valentine's --Yours

I know you’ve been feeling it—-those cringes of resistance, sadness, regret, fear, or mourning. If you’re not in the place you’d like to be in your relationship space, it’s no surprise that all the heart mugs, sweethearts candies and gushy pink cards in your face start to bring on a variety of feelings as our culture celebrates Valentine’s.

As a single I’ve felt for a minute like Valentine’s transports me back to a middle school dance, when people are partnering up and you’re looking around to wondering if there’s someone there choosing you. This time of year the awareness of a single’s relationship status goes on hyper drive; the amount of online dating activity surges, ex-boyfriends may come around with a HYD text, you start to consider whether you should give that guy that you’ve had a crush on at work a nice note in a variation of red that day.

In many ways all the color and candy and affection can be fun.

It also can be tempting at times to want to distract yourself by planning a dynamic Galentine’s event with your friends or burying your face in a bush for the day.

SO if that’s you, trying to ward off feeling any challenging emotions coming up, then maybe it’s time to tune into the most important heart—which is Yours.

The heart is the wellspring of our emotional life and therefore our romantic life. If you’re not in a place where you’d like to be romantically, I challenge you to try connecting to your heart first.

Here are three good ways to tune into what’s up for you in your heart space this Valentine’s season:

1. Give Yourself a Set Time of Silence - Set aside 10, 20, 40 minutes with a timer to just be silent and listen. Close your eyes, focus on your breathing. Notice sensations you’re feeling, notice your compulsion to distract yourself, notice what emotions come up, notice what desires or visions or ideas come up.

2. Write Down What You Noticed - Writing is a way we can “listen” to ourselves. Write down what you noticed in the silence. Tell yourself what you heard. What is your heart trying to tell you?

3. Ask a Friend to Give You a Time of Solid Listening - Call a friend to see if they’re up for meeting for coffee because you need to process through something. Ask them to listen to you for a set amount of time, no interruptions, so that you can talk out what is going on in your heart. If they can, ask them to reflect back what they heard you say. We can learn a lot about ourselves and what’s going on in our hearts by simple reflective listening.

These are great practices for anytime to prepare to make your love life better. And when the day comes that you discover that your crush likes you back. Then you’ll be able to go deeper with another as the currency of love is our heart’s ability to offer and receive love. You will be all the more rich in connection to yourself and your ability to communicate to a partner in a way that will set a great foundation for your future relationship life.

If you’d like more help tuning into your heart or finding out what may have you feeling blocked or stuck. I’m happy to support you on your journey to love. Schedule a time to talk here.

Why It's Best to Let a Guy Pursue You

Have you ever experienced a guy pursuing you that you weren’t that attracted to at the beginning, but as he took a sincere interest in you and showed you a good time, you developed more attraction and interest?

It happens like that for a lot of women. Poll your married friends.

However, the opposite can be true for most men. If a woman approaches a man, gets his number, asks him out, then he may take her up on the offer because he is flattered, wants to have sex, or he is bored—but she took out all of the risk factor for him to connect with her and his interest level is going to go down, if there ever was interest there at all.

Because for men this risk factor in pursuing a woman is key for creating a connection.

Men biologically have higher levels of testosterone that they use to take risks and when they use their testosterone, it lowers their stress levels so they feel better. If a man thinks that he can win a woman over and anticipates success with her after taking a risk, he literally gets a hormonal payoff that helps him feel better—more “like a man.”

Women on the other hand, want safety to feel love. That’s why so many women feel the urge to define the relationship earlier on then men because they are seeking the security that his love is only for her before she gives of herself more completely. So when she feels a man coming towards her with consistent pursuit, it helps her to relax, feel safe, and open herself up to be more vulnerable. So if a woman approaches a man, she is giving him the kind of love she would want (minimizing the risk), when actually he needs to take a risk to feel more connected and interested to continue.

It may feel old fashioned though to “wait” on a man. After all, we women are making stuff happen in all areas of their lives these days!! So it can get really tempting or just seem like the right thing to do when Mr. Perfect Face seems to be dragging his feet a bit to start the ball rolling off with you.

Keep in mind, if he’s really interested and has his B—s on straight, he’ll do what it takes to pursue.

Plus here are five more benefits to holding off when you are tempted to do things like text a man to “check” on why he hasn’t texted you back for another date:

1. Knowing that He’s Into You - When a man pursues you without any effort on your part, you will know that he’s into you. There won’t be a lot of room for doubt and anxiety. You can feel more relaxed and able to decide if this guy is for you without overthinking it too much.

2. You’ll Get Turned On By Pursuit - When a man focuses his attention on you and takes action to show his interest, it is a turn on for women. When he takes action to plan a date, drive, make decisions, bring gifts, buy food, it allows women to literally to build Oxytocin—which is the bonding hormone that helps women to relieve stress and to eventually enjoy sex.

3. He’ll Value You More - When a man has had to put in a good amount of effort for you and he wins you over, he equates the pride of his success with you. And as with any kind of valuation, the more investment we’ve had to put into something, the more we value it. Standing in your own value and knowing that you are worth being pursued allows a man to sense it and treasure you in a relationship.

4. You’ll Keep His Interest - A man won’t get bored with you, but instead he’ll be unsure about whether he can keep your interest and will be consistent with his efforts to attract and win you over.

5. Men will Gain more Self-Assurance that It’s You They Want - When women give men the space to pursue them—meaning they aren’t always contacting them or they are busy with their own interests so they’re not always available, then this gives the man space to determine that his life really is better with you in it. Like the song, “Sometimes You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone”

Women, you have the ability, the smarts, the desire to take the lead in a relationship - but the big question is - will it allow you to have the kind of experience that you want to have with a man?

If you would love to be in a relationship with a man that gives you no doubt that he cherishes you, loves you and makes you a priority in his life, but you find yourself experiencing streaks of anxiety around the lack of action from a certain man, then it can be good to explore what feelings and beliefs are coming up for you that make it tempting to pursue him even when you get unwanted results. Somewhere along the way, you’ve probably lost your own sense of worthiness in love and it’s necessary to heal and rebuild your inner strength.

When you do this, instead, you will settle into a relaxed confidence while you’re getting to know men and find that as they are pursuing you, you only need to choose them back.

If it feels challenging to let a man pursue you and you’re not getting the results you want in love, schedule a time below to explore how relaxing into your feminine energy can give you more results in love—-and ultimately have a great man moving mountains to see you.

Navigating a New Relationship Through the Holidays

It’s your fourth date. You’ve spent an entire Saturday together and you can’t believe how much you enjoy this guy’s company. He’s driving you back to your place, when you start talking about each other’s plans next week for Thanksgiving. He has family in town. Your family is a plane ride away and you don’t usually go home for Thanksgiving. He tells you about how fun it is when his family plays board games and charades after they eat. “That sounds so fun!” you say. Then there is a quiet, awkward pause.

Is is too soon after the 4th date to invite a person you just met to join your family at Thanksgiving or accept such an invitation?

There is no one correct answer to that question. But here are a four things to consider as you navigate this kind of invitation and other situations with new dating relationships around the holidays.

Sometimes when the Merry Bells are ringing and the Eggnog is aplenty with romantic songs and getting cozy by a fire, it can create a desire to fill in the fantasy of the season with an added on romance. So the first thing to keep in mind is:

1. Don’t let the holiday festivity pull you into deeper feelings about this person than what reflect what is actually happening in the relationship. Sure, festive activities like ice skating or Christmas markets can make for a fun time. Keep tuning into how you really feel when you are with this person and act according to your level of interest, instead of living in the fantasy that this person completes your snowy white Christmas scene.

2. Keep things real. Communicate about your expectations around gifts, attending each other’s work parties etc. Let them know that you are enjoying getting to know them and if you decide it’s too soon to have them come to your work party and have to field a lot of questions that you don’t know the answer to yet, then that’s ok! Let your date know when it doesn’t feel right yet about going to their party vs. thinking that the fact that they invited you to their work party is a sign that things are getting serious.

3. Which leads to #3 - Don’t create more meaning about gifts or holiday actions than what the other person is actually saying or demonstrating with their actions in other areas. They may decide to spend a lot of money on you for a nice piece of jewelry, but for them it could be a regular tradition to spend a lot of money on gifts. If they invite you to their family dinner—enjoy the moment and take advantage of getting to know how they interact with family and friends. Even though their aunt may give you a wide smile and ask where you two met, you can be as vague as you need to be if you don’t know how you’re defining the relationship yet.

4. If you do attend an event with your date, find out more details before hand about the nature of the event. What’s the dress code? What are the people like? Any expectations you should know about with hostess gifts? So that you’ll feel prepared going into a situation where you don’t yet know this person or the hosts. Taking time to communicate about the event, you’ll learn more about your date and feel more comfortable in a new scene.

Navigating the holidays while dating can be fun! There are extra festive activities going on around your city, which can make for great date ideas. It can also be a bit nerve wracking to navigate a new dating situation when you are figuring out what or what not to buy for your new boo. Or when you’re considering your best option for a plus one!

Overall, like most things in relationships, they can be resolved by communicating about expectations, clarifying meanings and overall honoring your own gut about what’s really true for you at this point in the relationship. So when you’re taking down the Christmas tree and considering who it was you kissed as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, that you feel like it was a good memory no matter how your relationship status changes.