It’s your fourth date. You’ve spent an entire Saturday together and you can’t believe how much you enjoy this guy’s company. He’s driving you back to your place, when you start talking about each other’s plans next week for Thanksgiving. He has family in town. Your family is a plane ride away and you don’t usually go home for Thanksgiving. He tells you about how fun it is when his family plays board games and charades after they eat. “That sounds so fun!” you say. Then there is a quiet, awkward pause.
Is is too soon after the 4th date to invite a person you just met to join your family at Thanksgiving or accept such an invitation?
There is no one correct answer to that question. But here are a four things to consider as you navigate this kind of invitation and other situations with new dating relationships around the holidays.
Sometimes when the Merry Bells are ringing and the Eggnog is aplenty with romantic songs and getting cozy by a fire, it can create a desire to fill in the fantasy of the season with an added on romance. So the first thing to keep in mind is:
Don’t let the holiday festivity pull you into deeper feelings about this person than what reflect what is actually happening in the relationship. Sure, festive activities like ice skating or Christmas markets can make for a fun time. Keep tuning into how you really feel when you are with this person and act according to your level of interest, instead of living in the fantasy that this person completes your snowy white Christmas scene.
Keep things real. Communicate about your expectations around gifts, attending each other’s work parties etc. Let them know that you are enjoying getting to know them and if you decide it’s too soon to have them come to your work party and have to field a lot of questions that you don’t know the answer to yet, then that’s ok! Let your date know when it doesn’t feel right yet about going to their party vs. thinking that the fact that they invited you to their work party is a sign that things are getting serious.
Which leads to #3 - Don’t create more meaning about gifts or holiday actions than what the other person is actually saying or demonstrating with their actions in other areas. They may decide to spend a lot of money on you for a nice piece of jewelry, but for them it could be a regular tradition to spend a lot of money on gifts. If they invite you to their family dinner—enjoy the moment and take advantage of getting to know how they interact with family and friends. Even though their aunt may give you a wide smile and ask where you two met, you can be as vague as you need to be if you don’t know how you’re defining the relationship yet.
If you do attend an event with your date, find out more details before hand about the nature of the event. What’s the dress code? What are the people like? Any expectations you should know about with hostess gifts? So that you’ll feel prepared going into a situation where you don’t yet know this person or the hosts. Taking time to communicate about the event, you’ll learn more about your date and feel more comfortable in a new scene.
Navigating the holidays while dating can be fun! There are extra festive activities going on around your city, which can make for great date ideas. It can also be a bit nerve wracking to navigate a new dating situation when you are figuring out what or what not to buy for your new boo. Or when you’re considering your best option for a plus one!
Overall, like most things in relationships, they can be resolved by communicating about expectations, clarifying meanings and overall honoring your own gut about what’s really true for you at this point in the relationship. So when you’re taking down the Christmas tree and considering who it was you kissed as the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, that you feel like it was a good memory no matter how your relationship status changes.