Looking at my track record with relationships, it’s too bad that I didn’t stumble upon The Relationship School earlier in life. With good reason, their tagline is “the most important education you never received in school”. I grew up with the cultural mindset that relationship skills just automatically update as we mature, only when I found myself wrestling with the paralyzing fear of rejection and unsure of how to navigate it in relationships, I figured I missed the update.

It’s assumed that we pick up relationship skills naturally from our family of origin. And we do. We pick up our caregivers best attempts to pass on what they know. And sometimes what they know is hit or miss when it comes to entering and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship.

Maybe you can relate if you’ve been kicking yourself because you haven’t been able to pull off this healthy relationship thing—all the while you’ve never really learned how to do it. It seems cruel to fault ourselves for guidance we lacked.

That’s why making time to study relationship skills from great mentors and practicing skills in a safe context with classmates felt very empowering. I experienced what a difference it makes to feel more at ease in myself and communicate in a way that can be received better by others.

As I made my way towards graduation to receive my certification as a Relationship Coach last weekend, I wanted to honor my time at The Relationship School by sharing three (of the many!) of insights that I gained about relationships.

Everybody’s Got Flaws, Embrace Yours

If you are remotely self-reflective and a member of the human race, you are aware that you have at least one weak area when it comes to relationships. The trouble is, us self-aware types can spend a lot of energy working to eliminate our weaknesses or try to manage them so that they don’t slip out and cause us to lose connection. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fake perfectionism only to push people away. However, not only are my flaws a part of me, but having the particular set of flaws that I do has allowed me to get stronger in other ways as I’ve had to navigate life with them.

For example, I fear speaking up in a group setting for fear of being judged. As I practiced doing this more and more, I found greater self-confidence in facing my fear that I wouldn’t survive others’ criticism. My peers also got to watch me with pride as I stepped into this area of growth. I realize that the fear of speaking up in a group may never fully subside, but I embrace that the work I need to do to face it is building my own feelings of self-competence. As a result I can love myself there and have a lot more compassion for others working with their flaws.

Instead of Focusing on People Disappointing You, Own Your Part

As someone who can get easily ruffled by the other person not meeting my expectation in a relationship, I’ve learned how important it is to take space to evaluate my part in any dynamic that I’m experiencing. If I am focused too much on how the other person isn’t living up to my expectations I will be disappointed most of the time. However, if I look into what part I played, I have the control to change me. That leads me to feeling empowered and helps me to avoid feeling at the mercy of everyone else’s opinions or behaviors to define myself.

So when I start to get frustrated because a guy I’m dating hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours, instead of presuming I’m not valuable, I can examine why I’m so upset. I may be upset because I gave my power over to him to define me by what actions he takes. Or maybe I didn’t share my preferences about what is important for me and I’m expecting him to read my mind. If I can tune into my own feelings, investigate and work on my own stuff, it brings clarity to be able to communicate better—instead of stewing in frustration.

Feel Shaky? Lead with Vulnerability

Lastly, one of the most helpful and challenging lessons I’ve learned is that when I feel shaky to communicate something challenging with another person, it’s good to lead with vulnerability. When we open with vulnerability, it allows the other person to see us authentically and invites them to meet us with authenticity. It opens a door for them to respond compassionately and honestly when it may be a difficult conversation to have.

It could look like,“I’m feeling awkward about continuing in the silence right now when I sense we’re a both feeling big feelings, it feels scary to break the silence, could I share with you what’s coming up for me right now?” When we name what’s going on for us, it’s helps to diffuse the intensity of what we’re feeling so that we can stay grounded as we go on to share our thoughts and feelings with someone. So try it!—next time you’re about to bring up something challenging with a boss or partner, lead with, “Hey, I’m feeling nervous to share this with you…”

Learning these skills at first is like acquiring knowledge that takes time to practice until I can embody the concepts and feel their full benefit in my relationships. As a Relationship School graduate I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned, more grateful for the friends I’ve met and most grateful for the experience of relationship coaching that has helped me to transform my relationships, with myself and others—so that now I can help you experience transformation in yours.

If you’re curious to experience relationship coaching and move past a place you feel stuck in your relationships on your own. Save your spot for a complimentary first session here.