Dating over the years, I got undesirable outcomes when I was living from an empty cup.
It looked like a hot guy who made effort at the beginning—Good morning texts, plans to go mini-golfing and dinner, curious about my favorite vacation, told me I had a cute smile and then at the end of the date when I was feeling tingling and hopeful, the subtle sexual innuendo started. While he couched it in the middle of a talk about his favorite sports team, I’d brush off the discomfort in my chest because I’d just discovered him as the best thing I had going in my life.
He didn’t have that much to compete with. I was working in a job where the boredom drove me to waste my after hours scrolling social media or giving my time to friends who always seemed to be one decision away from a major life crisis. Which, in comparison, made my problem of putting my own dreams and desires last, seem relatively minor.
When men asked me what my hobbies were I told them I used to like playing the piano or baking a cake, but the honest truth was that I hadn’t done those things in over a fifteen years. When they asked me why I didn’t do them, I’d explain how long-term chronic illness led me into self-pity parties that I had a hard time leaving because they made such reasonable excuses for why I needed to avoid new or fun things and just survive the next day.
So when Mr. Rico Suave entered my dating options with a few interested questions, he was it—life itself!
When you are not living a life that makes you feel alive, full, or engaged, your dating process will feel like you’re stomach’s been empty for days, and a crumb of attention feels like the promise of a 5 course meal.
When I went out with a guy and he’d start to make physical moves before I felt comfortable, I’d go along because subconsciously I thought, “this is the price I need to pay for the food I need.” I’d let him cross my own boundaries and mistook his physical desire for serious interest and capacity for a long-term relationship.
Until his texting turned completely sexual and when I changed the subject, he’d turn my comment about loving fruit salad into something much less innocent. My stomach twisted into knots and at the same time I felt a rush of excitement that I didn’t normally feel in my regular life, which made it all so confusing.
Then came his last minute invites, late arrivals, lack of planning, Crumb. After. Crumb. He lured my heart into his force field with the promise of his attention. When I gave my time to him for so little investment, he realized how little he needed to give in order to benefit from the situation.
The hard truth I faced when those connections came to painful endings, was that I was looking for another person to fill up my unfulfilling life. If I was going to feel nourished, alive and loved, I needed to create my own sense of fullness in my life in very practical ways.
Positive affirmations are helpful, prayers, meditation, counseling and therapy groups—-are all very helpful but they will be like flushing your money down the toilet if you don’t take actions that communicate to yourself that you love yourself in the most practical of ways—by creating a great life—full of friends, community, goals, little ones, family, creative projects, missions, great environments, etc.
Can you imagine a man verbally proclaiming his undying love to you day after day, but he never keeps his word to you, nor introduces you to his family or nor stops seeing other women? Yet, we ourselves can nod yes to the fact that we love ourselves, but our actions don’t show it in our lives. And men take cues on how to love us by our own good self-treatment.
If you can relate to your life not being as fulfilling as you’d like right now—-what steps can you take to turn that around?
There are a million things you can do, but I’d like to offer you 3 areas where you can start:
Beautify - What is one “clean up” project that you’ve been putting off for a long time that you can take care of? This could be your garage, your bookshelf, your toenails, your car—-you name it, but having it done will make you feel better!
Ignite Passion - What is one hobby that you used to love so much that time would fly by without you noticing it? Sign up for the class, interview the mentor, get the supplies or equipment—-it’s not a waste of time!
Create a Thrill - What is something you’ve been thinking about doing, but it scares you a little bit (or a lot!) and it makes you very curious at the same time? It could be jumping out of a airplane, joining Toastmasters, starting up a side business, creating an online profile, or having that hard conversation with a friend. Take the risk!
Do something from each of these categories and you’ll start to notice how your emotional range begins to increase—you’ll start to feel a sense of pride, pleasure and the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone (and not dying!) All of these feelings will increase your sense of happiness, purpose and pleasure in your life. (Which become very attractive to a good partner for you!)
And the next time Mr. Rico Suave calls you up for a 9pm booty call, you’ll tell him you can’t because you’re auditioning for the musical Annie in the morning (or your new project). He’ll get that he needs to make more effort to see you and will step up or show himself to the door. Then surely, better quality men will show up to compete with your full life, with the intent to make it even better.
Kristen loves supporting women as they walk through dating or a breakup process. f you would like specific support to create a life you love so you can improve your love life, schedule a free 30 minutes chat here to learn more.