Your Full Life Will Lead You to Your Dream Man

Dating over the years, I got undesirable outcomes when I was living from an empty cup.

It looked like a hot guy who made effort at the beginning—Good morning texts, plans to go mini-golfing and dinner, curious about my favorite vacation, told me I had a cute smile and then at the end of the date when I was feeling tingling and hopeful, the subtle sexual innuendo started. While he couched it in the middle of a talk about his favorite sports team, I’d brush off the discomfort in my chest because I’d just discovered him as the best thing I had going in my life.

He didn’t have that much to compete with. I was working in a job where the boredom drove me to waste my after hours scrolling social media or giving my time to friends who always seemed to be one decision away from a major life crisis. Which, in comparison, made my problem of putting my own dreams and desires last, seem relatively minor.

When men asked me what my hobbies were I told them I used to like playing the piano or baking a cake, but the honest truth was that I hadn’t done those things in over a fifteen years. When they asked me why I didn’t do them, I’d explain how long-term chronic illness led me into self-pity parties that I had a hard time leaving because they made such reasonable excuses for why I needed to avoid new or fun things and just survive the next day.

So when Mr. Rico Suave entered my dating options with a few interested questions, he was it—life itself!

When you are not living a life that makes you feel alive, full, or engaged, your dating process will feel like you’re stomach’s been empty for days, and a crumb of attention feels like the promise of a 5 course meal.

When I went out with a guy and he’d start to make physical moves before I felt comfortable, I’d go along because subconsciously I thought, “this is the price I need to pay for the food I need.” I’d let him cross my own boundaries and mistook his physical desire for serious interest and capacity for a long-term relationship.

Until his texting turned completely sexual and when I changed the subject, he’d turn my comment about loving fruit salad into something much less innocent. My stomach twisted into knots and at the same time I felt a rush of excitement that I didn’t normally feel in my regular life, which made it all so confusing.

Then came his last minute invites, late arrivals, lack of planning, Crumb. After. Crumb. He lured my heart into his force field with the promise of his attention. When I gave my time to him for so little investment, he realized how little he needed to give in order to benefit from the situation.

The hard truth I faced when those connections came to painful endings, was that I was looking for another person to fill up my unfulfilling life. If I was going to feel nourished, alive and loved, I needed to create my own sense of fullness in my life in very practical ways.

Positive affirmations are helpful, prayers, meditation, counseling and therapy groups—-are all very helpful but they will be like flushing your money down the toilet if you don’t take actions that communicate to yourself that you love yourself in the most practical of ways—by creating a great life—full of friends, community, goals, little ones, family, creative projects, missions, great environments, etc.

Can you imagine a man verbally proclaiming his undying love to you day after day, but he never keeps his word to you, nor introduces you to his family or nor stops seeing other women? Yet, we ourselves can nod yes to the fact that we love ourselves, but our actions don’t show it in our lives. And men take cues on how to love us by our own good self-treatment.

If you can relate to your life not being as fulfilling as you’d like right now—-what steps can you take to turn that around?

There are a million things you can do, but I’d like to offer you 3 areas where you can start:

1. Beautify - What is one “clean up” project that you’ve been putting off for a long time that you can take care of? This could be your garage, your bookshelf, your toenails, your car—-you name it, but having it done will make you feel better!

2. Ignite Passion - What is one hobby that you used to love so much that time would fly by without you noticing it? Sign up for the class, interview the mentor, get the supplies or equipment—-it’s not a waste of time!

3. Create a Thrill - What is something you’ve been thinking about doing, but it scares you a little bit (or a lot!) and it makes you very curious at the same time? It could be jumping out of a airplane, joining Toastmasters, starting up a side business, creating an online profile, or having that hard conversation with a friend. Take the risk!

Do something from each of these categories and you’ll start to notice how your emotional range begins to increase—you’ll start to feel a sense of pride, pleasure and the excitement of getting out of your comfort zone (and not dying!) All of these feelings will increase your sense of happiness, purpose and pleasure in your life. (Which become very attractive to a good partner for you!)

And the next time Mr. Rico Suave calls you up for a 9pm booty call, you’ll tell him you can’t because you’re auditioning for the musical Annie in the morning (or your new project). He’ll get that he needs to make more effort to see you and will step up or show himself to the door. Then surely, better quality men will show up to compete with your full life, with the intent to make it even better.

Kristen loves supporting women as they walk through dating or a breakup process. f you would like specific support to create a life you love so you can improve your love life, schedule a free 30 minutes chat here to learn more.

Why Codependency Causes Us to Overlook These 3 Red Flags

I consider myself a reasonably smart woman. I can figure out a new software program and I’ve learned a new language. However, there is one thing that I’ve learned again and again throughout my adult life, that no matter how smart I may be, if I am not emotionally healthy, I will easily overlook obvious red flags in a relationship, as if they weren’t even there. And this has nothing to do with my intelligence.

Most times it has everything to do with the way we view ourselves and our worthiness to be loved. It has everything to do with the emotional scars or hurtful stories that we let set the patterns for our relationships. Specifically, I’m referring to codependent tendencies where a person feels dependent on another person’s validation of their worth, most often when they attempt to rescue another person from their own struggles to make themselves feel worthwhile.

So when a codependent person starts dating or enters a relationship, they often lead with service—how they can help the other person or provide for them or be a warm shoulder to cry on. They feel assured that this person needs them and it gives them a sense of purpose and value. However, when it comes to them getting their needs met in the experience or them asking for what they need, their partner likely falls short of wanting to or being able to meet their need.

For this reason, it can be hard for a codependent to spot red flags in the dating process because they have grown accustomed to or have rarely been in a relationship where they are mutually receiving from their partner.

For this reason I wanted to share three red flags that are especially hard for codependents to see when they start dating:

1. They Blame You for Feeling a Certain Way - Jack commented that he felt so tired because Heather had been keeping him out late every night. He almost fell asleep at his job today and didn’t meet a deadline. The next time he sees Heather he jokes that she’s keeping him up to late, but he also has a serious tone that Heather picks up on. Internally she feels guilty that she’s been the cause of his fatigue and pledges to do better with not distracting Jack. She doesn’t see that Jack is responsible for his own life and she isn’t the one to blame for him staying out too late. But since Heather feels a sense of responsibility to rescue him from his own life—she doesn’t even notice this early red flag that could turn into something bigger down the road.

2. They Don’t Respond to a Need You Express - Cheryl felt strongly about her need to hear from a guy she was exclusively dating a couple of times a week. With Jason, he went a whole week on a business trip without touching base with her. She felt bad experiencing this and got her confidence up to ask for what works for her when Jason travels. But the next time he went on a business trip, he didn’t contact her again. Cheryl felt angry, but was too reluctant to end the relationship, because everything was almost perfect when they were together. Cheryl has a need for consistent contact in a serious relationship, but she is so used to neglecting her own needs that she puts up with this and stays in the relationship.

3. They Cross Your Boundaries - John thought everything about Chelsea was great. He felt so good being able to help her out as a single mom, like running an errand for her before he came over. John felt strongly that he didn’t want to meet a woman’s kids before they decided to become serious. He expressed this to Chelsea, but one day when he came over, the kids’ father had changed weekends on her and Chelsea neglected to let John know that they’d be spending the evening with her kids. “Oh you don’t mind, do you John, it’s just one night?” John felt disturbed and talked himself into the positives of getting to see her as a mother and playing with the kids—but he completely overrides his feeling of anger inside at how Cheryl didn’t try to honor his request. Though he feels disrespected, he overlooks this red flag because he prefers to find value in feeling like her hero.

When intelligent people have been wounded in the past, often by caregivers who made them feel like their value came from their ability to help or protect them from facing their own consequences in life, it can feel all too familiar when they start dating someone who does these three things. And the familiarity causes them to override their own logic about a situation.

However, when we take the time to heal and learn about codependent patterns, we develop the emotional maturity to find these red flags unappealing so that next time our eyes will be wide open to make better choices.

If you can relate to getting into a relationship where you’ve overlooked red flags and you’re ready to prepare to go in “eyes wide open” to your next relationship. Hit me up for a Get to Know You Chat here, to get clarity after one call and see if we’re a fit to help you create a healthy relationship.

Seeking Lasting Love? How to Use Cuffing Season in Your Favor

You’ve pulled your favorite sweaters out from the back of your closet, bought yourself a pumpkin spice latte, baked a batch of your favorite spicy treat, cranked up the heat and sat under a velvety throw blanket as you watch your favorite show, but something (or someone) is still missing in that lovely single life of yours.

If you’re feeling an extra pull to do what it takes to put yourself out there this season so you’ll be a little warmer and have a cute date to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, then you’re certainly not alone.

Welcome to Cuffing Season.

The Urban Dictionary definds Cuffing Season as:

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

If you follow me here, it’s probably not your goal to find a short-term hookup or casual relationship, but there is a real biological drive (testosterone goes up in the fall) and social influence (to not be alone at the holidays) that motivates people, more than other times of the year, to partner up.

So what if you could take advantage of this trend to help you in your search for lasting love, the same way a fisherman makes his way to the river when he knows the salmon are running?

Cuffing Season creates opportunities because more people start to look to partner up in October/November. They will stay partnered until the season culminates around the peak of winter, often melting off by spring where a lot of people will break it off.

However, if you are looking for something long-term, I want to share with you three reasons why using this season to your advantage, could help you reach your goals.

1. YOUR biology is Motivating you Towards your Goals - If I’m honest with you, a large part of my single life, I lost motivation to find a relationship. Things became comfortable for me to choose my own place to live, get lost in a passion project, to not have anyone to consider in my spending or to be able to drop everything and travel when I wanted. Yet, it was so easy to slip into this comfortable mode of living and as a result push out dating by saying things like:

   “I still needed to heal.”

   “I don’t have any good options.”

   “I’d date when I get my X, Y, Z together.”

   “I don’t have money/time etc. to spend on online dating.”

   However, if you can relate and find this season is motivating you towards companionship —-then gosh by golly——Go with it!!!

2. More Options are Open - You may not be the only one who is waiting until they get that project done at work or end their tax season or finish up their round of travel for the year, before they start investing in their social life. So that cute guy you see at your gym every week that you’d love to share more than small talk with may be more open than before to connection. Flowers blossom in a specific season. So you putting yourself out there while people are “blooming” opens up more options for you.

3. Filter Out the Casual for Great Options - While many people may be open to relationships in this season because they aren’t expecting them to last, our biology and social influences can equally inspire long-term relationship minded people to pursue something new. Only be careful when you are meeting people online or in person. Ask them what they are looking for early on. Hold off on any physical intimacy that doesn’t align with your values so that you can discern their true motives and character. Set the pacing of the relationship at a pace that is comfortable for you in getting to know a new person. Avoid diving into deep emotional intimacy from the beginning that is unsustainable with the amount of trust that has been built. If you use discernment of character and good communication to weed out casual minded folks, you could find yourself a great catch.

While you might not fit the exact description of someone involved in Cuffing Season, I believe nature often inspires us to behave in certain ways that are ultimately good motivators towards the goals we already have for ourselves.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re in a rut in your dating life—-let this season inspire you to take action. Because when the time is right, you just might love the extra company under that throw blanket for years to come.

If you’d like support to change some of your normal patterns and get out of a rut, when it comes to dating and finding a relationship, I’d be happy to offer you a coaching conversation. Find a time here.