You’re waiting for a man to follow through from your last date. He mentioned that he’s always wanted to check out ax throwing and that you could go together, but you haven’t heard a peep from him since the date.
Or when you’ve been dating for a while and it bothers you that after the first date he’s expecting you to pay for half of everything. You’d feel better if he paid for most things because it makes you feel romanced and relaxed in your feminine.
Or you’ve been dating for 9 months and you’ve thought a lot about marrying this guy. But he has not mentioned or brought up one thing about the future nor shown an interest to even lock you down for a committed relationship.
Or how your partner never takes out the trash out when it’s full vs. when it’s completely overflowing and smelly.
If he would just…….
text me to follow up on what he said
lead and pay for dates
initiate the idea of exclusivity
take out the trash without me having to remind him
……then I would feel better—I’d feel more secure or happy or loved. etc.
There are times to bring things up and ask for what you want in relationships.
But more often than not these points of frustration are a warning sign that it’s time to take your focus off him and put it back on what you can control. You are the author of creating happiness in your life and a good relationship adds to that happiness.
If it has snuck up on you that your sense of well-being is riding on a man’s specific behavior, that can not only ruin your mood, but it also can be a de-motivating turn off for men.
When we are wanting a specific behavior from anyone and basing our hapiness on it, then we are seeking happiness outside of our control. Instead of believing that God’s gift of life and the joy we create by the decisions we make are the source of our contentment, we put pressure on those around us to be responsible for our happiness, which was never their responsibility to begin with.
Of course, healthy relationships have conditions and standards so that both people feel like they can get their needs met. Yet it’s important that those come as desires and requests vs. heavy unspoken demands. These will feel energetically different.
Here are a couple of ways it will feel when we are outsourcing our happiness to a man.
You feel anxious and unable to focus on your everyday tasks
You become reactive to him in a way that feels like over the top for the situation
You spend a lot of energy setting the guy up to do what you want him to do, ie. start the commitment conversation or “check-in” by text to see if everything is ok
Your mind is fixated on this outcome, your girlfriends have heard about it multiple times
All of these feel heavy and are an energy suck.
Instead of noticing when you desire a different experience and it feels light and worthy of being met.
When we have a desire for a man to show up in a certain way, but we are not attached to the outcome and we don’t let the outcome define us, we are more likely to express ourselves in ways that feel lighter to a man.
We’ll think things like:
“It would feel so nice if a man texted me after a date to plan our next date before I even thought about it, but if not I’ll go out with my girlfriends and not worry about it.”
“I would feel secure if a man shared his thoughts about me for his plans for us in the future, but I trust that I’ll make good decisions for my life if I don’t see signs of this relationship moving in that direction.”
“I would feel so trusting if my husband took the trash out regularly with out it overflowing and I never needed to mention it, but if not I’ll just put it in places so it doesn’t bother me and he doesn’t forget.”
When we think this way, it feels authentically lighter. We are trusting and believing that we have our best interest at heart and that if a man doesn’t meet our standards, we’ll make a good decision to either make a request, make a compromise or let the relationship go.
There is a core belief that even if he doesn’t do X, it doesn’t take an ounce of validation away from my worth. I can always accept or reject his actions.
I invite you to think about a current situation where you’re wanting a man’s behavior to be different.
Then ask yourself:
What would I feel if that situation changed?
What would I gain from that result?
What would it confirm or validate about me?
What feelings would it cause me to avoid feeling?
When you have the answers to those questions, then you’ll know where you can begin to attend to your feelings, you’ll know what you need and how you can take your focus away from that man doing X. Instead ask yourself, how can I help myself feel the way I want to feel based on what I can control, to create happiness from the inside out?
If you’d like support in walking through your relationship challenge to get to the core of what’s making your experiences heavy vs. light in your dating and relationship, reach out here to schedule an initial chat to see how I’d support you to maximize your happiness.