Cuffing Season

When He’s Not Doing What you Want

You’re waiting for a man to follow through from your last date. He mentioned that he’s always wanted to check out ax throwing and that you could go together, but you haven’t heard a peep from him since the date.

Or when you’ve been dating for a while and it bothers you that after the first date he’s expecting you to pay for half of everything. You’d feel better if he paid for most things because it makes you feel romanced and relaxed in your feminine.

Or you’ve been dating for 9 months and you’ve thought a lot about marrying this guy. But he has not mentioned or brought up one thing about the future nor shown an interest to even lock you down for a committed relationship.

Or how your partner never takes out the trash out when it’s full vs. when it’s completely overflowing and smelly.

If he would just…….

  • text me to follow up on what he said

  • lead and pay for dates

  • initiate the idea of exclusivity

  • take out the trash without me having to remind him

……then I would feel better—I’d feel more secure or happy or loved. etc.

There are times to bring things up and ask for what you want in relationships.

But more often than not these points of frustration are a warning sign that it’s time to take your focus off him and put it back on what you can control. You are the author of creating happiness in your life and a good relationship adds to that happiness.

If it has snuck up on you that your sense of well-being is riding on a man’s specific behavior, that can not only ruin your mood, but it also can be a de-motivating turn off for men.

When we are wanting a specific behavior from anyone and basing our hapiness on it, then we are seeking happiness outside of our control. Instead of believing that God’s gift of life and the joy we create by the decisions we make are the source of our contentment, we put pressure on those around us to be responsible for our happiness, which was never their responsibility to begin with.

Of course, healthy relationships have conditions and standards so that both people feel like they can get their needs met. Yet it’s important that those come as desires and requests vs. heavy unspoken demands. These will feel energetically different.

Here are a couple of ways it will feel when we are outsourcing our happiness to a man.

  • You feel anxious and unable to focus on your everyday tasks

  • You become reactive to him in a way that feels like over the top for the situation

  • You spend a lot of energy setting the guy up to do what you want him to do, ie. start the commitment conversation or “check-in” by text to see if everything is ok

  • Your mind is fixated on this outcome, your girlfriends have heard about it multiple times

All of these feel heavy and are an energy suck.

Instead of noticing when you desire a different experience and it feels light and worthy of being met.

When we have a desire for a man to show up in a certain way, but we are not attached to the outcome and we don’t let the outcome define us, we are more likely to express ourselves in ways that feel lighter to a man.

We’ll think things like:

“It would feel so nice if a man texted me after a date to plan our next date before I even thought about it, but if not I’ll go out with my girlfriends and not worry about it.”

“I would feel secure if a man shared his thoughts about me for his plans for us in the future, but I trust that I’ll make good decisions for my life if I don’t see signs of this relationship moving in that direction.”

“I would feel so trusting if my husband took the trash out regularly with out it overflowing and I never needed to mention it, but if not I’ll just put it in places so it doesn’t bother me and he doesn’t forget.”

When we think this way, it feels authentically lighter. We are trusting and believing that we have our best interest at heart and that if a man doesn’t meet our standards, we’ll make a good decision to either make a request, make a compromise or let the relationship go.

There is a core belief that even if he doesn’t do X, it doesn’t take an ounce of validation away from my worth. I can always accept or reject his actions.

I invite you to think about a current situation where you’re wanting a man’s behavior to be different.

Then ask yourself:

What would I feel if that situation changed?

What would I gain from that result?

What would it confirm or validate about me?

What feelings would it cause me to avoid feeling?

When you have the answers to those questions, then you’ll know where you can begin to attend to your feelings, you’ll know what you need and how you can take your focus away from that man doing X. Instead ask yourself, how can I help myself feel the way I want to feel based on what I can control, to create happiness from the inside out?

If you’d like support in walking through your relationship challenge to get to the core of what’s making your experiences heavy vs. light in your dating and relationship, reach out here to schedule an initial chat to see how I’d support you to maximize your happiness.

Seeking Lasting Love? How to Use Cuffing Season in Your Favor

You’ve pulled your favorite sweaters out from the back of your closet, bought yourself a pumpkin spice latte, baked a batch of your favorite spicy treat, cranked up the heat and sat under a velvety throw blanket as you watch your favorite show, but something (or someone) is still missing in that lovely single life of yours.

If you’re feeling an extra pull to do what it takes to put yourself out there this season so you’ll be a little warmer and have a cute date to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, then you’re certainly not alone.

Welcome to Cuffing Season.

The Urban Dictionary definds Cuffing Season as:

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

If you follow me here, it’s probably not your goal to find a short-term hookup or casual relationship, but there is a real biological drive (testosterone goes up in the fall) and social influence (to not be alone at the holidays) that motivates people, more than other times of the year, to partner up.

So what if you could take advantage of this trend to help you in your search for lasting love, the same way a fisherman makes his way to the river when he knows the salmon are running?

Cuffing Season creates opportunities because more people start to look to partner up in October/November. They will stay partnered until the season culminates around the peak of winter, often melting off by spring where a lot of people will break it off.

However, if you are looking for something long-term, I want to share with you three reasons why using this season to your advantage, could help you reach your goals.

  1. YOUR biology is Motivating you Towards your Goals - If I’m honest with you, a large part of my single life, I lost motivation to find a relationship. Things became comfortable for me to choose my own place to live, get lost in a passion project, to not have anyone to consider in my spending or to be able to drop everything and travel when I wanted. Yet, it was so easy to slip into this comfortable mode of living and as a result push out dating by saying things like:

    “I still needed to heal.”

    “I don’t have any good options.”

    “I’d date when I get my X, Y, Z together.”

    “I don’t have money/time etc. to spend on online dating.”

    However, if you can relate and find this season is motivating you towards companionship —-then gosh by golly——Go with it!!!

  2. More Options are Open - You may not be the only one who is waiting until they get that project done at work or end their tax season or finish up their round of travel for the year, before they start investing in their social life. So that cute guy you see at your gym every week that you’d love to share more than small talk with may be more open than before to connection. Flowers blossom in a specific season. So you putting yourself out there while people are “blooming” opens up more options for you.

  3. Filter Out the Casual for Great Options - While many people may be open to relationships in this season because they aren’t expecting them to last, our biology and social influences can equally inspire long-term relationship minded people to pursue something new. Only be careful when you are meeting people online or in person. Ask them what they are looking for early on. Hold off on any physical intimacy that doesn’t align with your values so that you can discern their true motives and character. Set the pacing of the relationship at a pace that is comfortable for you in getting to know a new person. Avoid diving into deep emotional intimacy from the beginning that is unsustainable with the amount of trust that has been built. If you use discernment of character and good communication to weed out casual minded folks, you could find yourself a great catch.

While you might not fit the exact description of someone involved in Cuffing Season, I believe nature often inspires us to behave in certain ways that are ultimately good motivators towards the goals we already have for ourselves.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re in a rut in your dating life—-let this season inspire you to take action. Because when the time is right, you just might love the extra company under that throw blanket for years to come.

If you’d like support to change some of your normal patterns and get out of a rut, when it comes to dating and finding a relationship, I’d be happy to offer you a coaching conversation. Find a time here.