Chasing Men

Why It's Best to Let a Guy Pursue You

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Have you ever experienced a guy pursuing you that you weren’t that attracted to at the beginning, but as he took a sincere interest in you and showed you a good time, you developed more attraction and interest?

It happens like that for a lot of women. Poll your married friends.

However, the opposite can be true for most men. If a woman approaches a man, gets his number, asks him out, then he may take her up on the offer because he is flattered, wants to have sex, or he is bored—but she took out all of the risk factor for him to connect with her and his interest level is going to go down, if there ever was interest there at all.

Because for men this risk factor in pursuing a woman is key for creating a connection.

Men biologically have higher levels of testosterone that they use to take risks and when they use their testosterone, it lowers their stress levels so they feel better. If a man thinks that he can win a woman over and anticipates success with her after taking a risk, he literally gets a hormonal payoff that helps him feel better—more “like a man.”

Women on the other hand, want safety to feel love. That’s why so many women feel the urge to define the relationship earlier on then men because they are seeking the security that his love is only for her before she gives of herself more completely. So when she feels a man coming towards her with consistent pursuit, it helps her to relax, feel safe, and open herself up to be more vulnerable. So if a woman approaches a man, she is giving him the kind of love she would want (minimizing the risk), when actually he needs to take a risk to feel more connected and interested to continue.

It may feel old fashioned though to “wait” on a man. After all, we women are making stuff happen in all areas of their lives these days!! So it can get really tempting or just seem like the right thing to do when Mr. Perfect Face seems to be dragging his feet a bit to start the ball rolling off with you.

Keep in mind, if he’s really interested and has his B—s on straight, he’ll do what it takes to pursue.

Plus here are five more benefits to holding off when you are tempted to do things like text a man to “check” on why he hasn’t texted you back for another date:

  1. Knowing that He’s Into You - When a man pursues you without any effort on your part, you will know that he’s into you. There won’t be a lot of room for doubt and anxiety. You can feel more relaxed and able to decide if this guy is for you without overthinking it too much.

  2. You’ll Get Turned On By Pursuit - When a man focuses his attention on you and takes action to show his interest, it is a turn on for women. When he takes action to plan a date, drive, make decisions, bring gifts, buy food, it allows women to literally to build Oxytocin—which is the bonding hormone that helps women to relieve stress and to eventually enjoy sex.

  3. He’ll Value You More - When a man has had to put in a good amount of effort for you and he wins you over, he equates the pride of his success with you. And as with any kind of valuation, the more investment we’ve had to put into something, the more we value it. Standing in your own value and knowing that you are worth being pursued allows a man to sense it and treasure you in a relationship.

  4. You’ll Keep His Interest - A man won’t get bored with you, but instead he’ll be unsure about whether he can keep your interest and will be consistent with his efforts to attract and win you over.

  5. Men will Gain more Self-Assurance that It’s You They Want - When women give men the space to pursue them—meaning they aren’t always contacting them or they are busy with their own interests so they’re not always available, then this gives the man space to determine that his life really is better with you in it. Like the song, “Sometimes You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone”

Women, you have the ability, the smarts, the desire to take the lead in a relationship - but the big question is - will it allow you to have the kind of experience that you want to have with a man?

If you would love to be in a relationship with a man that gives you no doubt that he cherishes you, loves you and makes you a priority in his life, but you find yourself experiencing streaks of anxiety around the lack of action from a certain man, then it can be good to explore what feelings and beliefs are coming up for you that make it tempting to pursue him even when you get unwanted results. Somewhere along the way, you’ve probably lost your own sense of worthiness in love and it’s necessary to heal and rebuild your inner strength.

When you do this, instead, you will settle into a relaxed confidence while you’re getting to know men and find that as they are pursuing you, you only need to choose them back.

If it feels challenging to let a man pursue you and you’re not getting the results you want in love, schedule a time below to explore how relaxing into your feminine energy can give you more results in love—-and ultimately have a great man moving mountains to see you.

Are You Chasing Him or Just Being Friendly?

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You had a great time on the date. You’re still laughing thinking about that one really funny thing he said that had you belly laughing. And there was the way he really engaged with you when you were talking. And you liked the way his shirt fit him around his chest. You’d say the date went really well!

It’s been 29 hours (but who’s counting?) since you said goodbye and there’s been no sign of contact from him. A sinking anxiety slowly settles into your gut.

You knew he was going to be spending the next couple of days taking his grandma on a road trip to California. So you think, maybe I’ll just text him a quick, “Hope you’re having an amazing trip with your grandma, safe travels!”

You debate back and forth. The feeling of anxiety is increasing in your gut. You are so curious to know what he’s thinking. Even a response back from him saying his trip is going well, would confirm to you that such a good date was not just a figment of your imagination.

You send the text.

You don’t hear back for another 5 hours, even though the message is marked “read”. He writes, “Thanks, the trip is going great!”

It feels flat to you and you feel bad for even having texted.

Ever been there before?

Is there anything wrong with sending a friendly text to a man while dating or is it what many would call “chasing” a man and advise against?

I am a believer that men are obvious with their actions if they are interested in a woman and that they value what they have to take risks for.

So I think a better question is—-what is his lack of communication/clarity bringing up for you? If some time has passed and he hasn’t contacted you after a date, what feelings start to come up for you?

AND

How are those feelings driving your actions?

Where is your motivation coming from— Does your desire to reach out with a friendly text (or stop by his work or make him cookies) come from feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or a compulsion to have a certain outcome?

OR is it coming from a place of wanting to express, connect, compliment, thank, etc. A place of generosity where you feel confident in who you are and are unattached to the outcome?

If it’s one of the more difficult feelings, identify if there is a story underneath that feeling and if it is saying something like:

  • If he doesn’t want me, that confirms that I’m not good enough for him.

  • Or I’m not pretty enough.

  • Or if I’m not in control of making this relationship happen then it won’t because I’m not worthy of being loved without earning it.

    Is there a story that could be driving a chase?

I like to define “chasing” as having the energetic quality that feels like desperation—like a person is trying to get something, usually validation, from the other person instead of wanting to know that person in order to build a loving connection.

Because men can smell desperation energy a mile away. When he feels this it speaks loudly to a healthy man that a woman isn’t prepared to value herself in a relationship and that this could lead to more problems and drama later on.

So what’s wrong with a woman chasing (calling, texting, giving gifts etc.) to a man? Well I’d say none of those things are wrong in themselves. But check yourself before you do—am I setting out to make a loving connection with this man or I am coming from a place where I am needing some kind of validation?

If it’s the latter - just hold off.

And go find something you love to do that feels much better!

If you find yourself in that place where your interactions with men come more from a place of needing validation and you’d want to explore more why that is happening for you, let’s have a conversation. Schedule a time to talk here.