Why Healing Allows Us to Live Balanced in Our Feminine Energy

Stacey grew up in a household where the men got most of the attention. Her mother found her value in making sure everyone else was OK, and she rarely expressed herself or her emotions. Stacey soon learned that opening her heart or expressing her feelings wasn’t worth the pain of going unseen so she learned to protect herself by stepping more into her masculine energy to get attention—by performing, “one-upping” her brothers, or trying to do things perfectly to prove her worth.

The problem was that Stacey felt very unseen. She was sensitive and felt emotions deeply, so when she learned to shut down that part of her — she lost a part of herself which limited access to her feminine energy. She also learned not to need too much because rarely did someone seem to respond to her non-physical needs. So she started to serve everyone else in lieu of recognizing her own needs or expressing how she felt.

As a result Stacey learned to live most of the time in her masculine energy - avoiding vulnerability, disconnecting from her desires/needs, closing down her expressiveness and awareness of her sensuality.

For women like Stacey who’ve shut down a lot of their feminine energy, they can practice behaviors to shift into their feminine energy—like self-care, pleasurable activities, sharing their feelings more etc., however, until a woman takes time to heal the root cause that led her to shut down her feminine energy, it will be hard for her to go there regularly.

Feminine energy naturally flows from a woman who is emotionally healthy, confident and accepts who she is. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or maintaining attraction with masculine men, it could be helpful to look into what needs to be healed.

When women heal the wounds that cause us to start self-protecting, shutting down—and basically turning off our feminine glow—then we start to glow again! And we are able to live balanced, like the Ying Yang symbol, where we spend the majority of our time in our feminine (the swish) with less time in our masculine (the dot). We can honor and enjoy the side of ourselves that is expressive or receptive and we can create structure and get things done when needed.

Yet, in today’s world, many women spend more time in the workforce where there are still more accolades for operating in masculine energy than feminine, and it can be easy for women who’ve shut down their feminine side to gain their value in performing, without exploring what could be underneath the lack of aliveness or passion in other areas of their lives.

Sadly this has negatively affected male/female partnerships because the woman is less available to be vulnerable with a man when she comes home to her partner. When she’s predominantly very busy, she’s less available to connect to her emotions, which can break down a romantic connection because a man is drawn win over a woman when he intuitively knows that she is comfortable in expressing her emotions. (Read more on Feminine energy and dating here.)

If you’re a woman that recognizes that you spend a lot of your energy in your masculine and you feel burnt out or unsatisfied in your relationships, here are some steps to consider as you seek healing for more balance:

1. Identify the Pain - Start to notice, where do you get defensive or easily offended in relationships. What triggers you or gets you upset? Where do you intend to communicate, but avoid following through? What is the story that comes up for you when you feel something, but have a hard time expressing it? It takes some personal exploration through journaling, hearing other people’s stories, or meeting with a therapist etc. to unravel the protective ways we’ve covered up our pain—but it’s worth every penny to spend the time identifying it.

2. Express Your Pain in a Safe/Supportive Environment - Find a safe person/people to share your pain. Whether a best friend, a recovery group, a counselor/coach, pastor etc. let yourself be seen in a place where you’ve held onto hurt—perhaps for years. To be human is to experience pain. The people who are safe to hold space for you will understand and feel trusted as you open up to them.

3. Take Responsibility for a New Choice - Decide that you don’t want to lived closed down any longer and that it’s worth it to feel the pain so that you can heal. Decide that you want to show up with all parts of you in your relationships, including valuing your feminine energy. This happens by taking the above healing steps AND choosing to consciously shift your energy into your feminine.

The best part about living balanced in our feminine energy is that it literally just feels better (it balances our hormones!). Imagine letting go of trying so hard at life and trying to prove your worth. You—my Queen Bee—are intrinsically worthy of that.

If you’d like support getting to the root of your healing through coaching conversations and help to practically live balanced in your feminine/masculine energy, set up a time to chat with me here.

Why It's Best to Let a Guy Pursue You

Have you ever experienced a guy pursuing you that you weren’t that attracted to at the beginning, but as he took a sincere interest in you and showed you a good time, you developed more attraction and interest?

It happens like that for a lot of women. Poll your married friends.

However, the opposite can be true for most men. If a woman approaches a man, gets his number, asks him out, then he may take her up on the offer because he is flattered, wants to have sex, or he is bored—but she took out all of the risk factor for him to connect with her and his interest level is going to go down, if there ever was interest there at all.

Because for men this risk factor in pursuing a woman is key for creating a connection.

Men biologically have higher levels of testosterone that they use to take risks and when they use their testosterone, it lowers their stress levels so they feel better. If a man thinks that he can win a woman over and anticipates success with her after taking a risk, he literally gets a hormonal payoff that helps him feel better—more “like a man.”

Women on the other hand, want safety to feel love. That’s why so many women feel the urge to define the relationship earlier on then men because they are seeking the security that his love is only for her before she gives of herself more completely. So when she feels a man coming towards her with consistent pursuit, it helps her to relax, feel safe, and open herself up to be more vulnerable. So if a woman approaches a man, she is giving him the kind of love she would want (minimizing the risk), when actually he needs to take a risk to feel more connected and interested to continue.

It may feel old fashioned though to “wait” on a man. After all, we women are making stuff happen in all areas of their lives these days!! So it can get really tempting or just seem like the right thing to do when Mr. Perfect Face seems to be dragging his feet a bit to start the ball rolling off with you.

Keep in mind, if he’s really interested and has his B—s on straight, he’ll do what it takes to pursue.

Plus here are five more benefits to holding off when you are tempted to do things like text a man to “check” on why he hasn’t texted you back for another date:

1. Knowing that He’s Into You - When a man pursues you without any effort on your part, you will know that he’s into you. There won’t be a lot of room for doubt and anxiety. You can feel more relaxed and able to decide if this guy is for you without overthinking it too much.

2. You’ll Get Turned On By Pursuit - When a man focuses his attention on you and takes action to show his interest, it is a turn on for women. When he takes action to plan a date, drive, make decisions, bring gifts, buy food, it allows women to literally to build Oxytocin—which is the bonding hormone that helps women to relieve stress and to eventually enjoy sex.

3. He’ll Value You More - When a man has had to put in a good amount of effort for you and he wins you over, he equates the pride of his success with you. And as with any kind of valuation, the more investment we’ve had to put into something, the more we value it. Standing in your own value and knowing that you are worth being pursued allows a man to sense it and treasure you in a relationship.

4. You’ll Keep His Interest - A man won’t get bored with you, but instead he’ll be unsure about whether he can keep your interest and will be consistent with his efforts to attract and win you over.

5. Men will Gain more Self-Assurance that It’s You They Want - When women give men the space to pursue them—meaning they aren’t always contacting them or they are busy with their own interests so they’re not always available, then this gives the man space to determine that his life really is better with you in it. Like the song, “Sometimes You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone”

Women, you have the ability, the smarts, the desire to take the lead in a relationship - but the big question is - will it allow you to have the kind of experience that you want to have with a man?

If you would love to be in a relationship with a man that gives you no doubt that he cherishes you, loves you and makes you a priority in his life, but you find yourself experiencing streaks of anxiety around the lack of action from a certain man, then it can be good to explore what feelings and beliefs are coming up for you that make it tempting to pursue him even when you get unwanted results. Somewhere along the way, you’ve probably lost your own sense of worthiness in love and it’s necessary to heal and rebuild your inner strength.

When you do this, instead, you will settle into a relaxed confidence while you’re getting to know men and find that as they are pursuing you, you only need to choose them back.

If it feels challenging to let a man pursue you and you’re not getting the results you want in love, schedule a time below to explore how relaxing into your feminine energy can give you more results in love—-and ultimately have a great man moving mountains to see you.

Are You Chasing Him or Just Being Friendly?

You had a great time on the date. You’re still laughing thinking about that one really funny thing he said that had you belly laughing. And there was the way he really engaged with you when you were talking. And you liked the way his shirt fit him around his chest. You’d say the date went really well!

It’s been 29 hours (but who’s counting?) since you said goodbye and there’s been no sign of contact from him. A sinking anxiety slowly settles into your gut.

You knew he was going to be spending the next couple of days taking his grandma on a road trip to California. So you think, maybe I’ll just text him a quick, “Hope you’re having an amazing trip with your grandma, safe travels!”

You debate back and forth. The feeling of anxiety is increasing in your gut. You are so curious to know what he’s thinking. Even a response back from him saying his trip is going well, would confirm to you that such a good date was not just a figment of your imagination.

You send the text.

You don’t hear back for another 5 hours, even though the message is marked “read”. He writes, “Thanks, the trip is going great!”

It feels flat to you and you feel bad for even having texted.

Ever been there before?

Is there anything wrong with sending a friendly text to a man while dating or is it what many would call “chasing” a man and advise against?

I am a believer that men are obvious with their actions if they are interested in a woman and that they value what they have to take risks for.

So I think a better question is—-what is his lack of communication/clarity bringing up for you? If some time has passed and he hasn’t contacted you after a date, what feelings start to come up for you?

AND

How are those feelings driving your actions?

Where is your motivation coming from— Does your desire to reach out with a friendly text (or stop by his work or make him cookies) come from feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or a compulsion to have a certain outcome?

OR is it coming from a place of wanting to express, connect, compliment, thank, etc. A place of generosity where you feel confident in who you are and are unattached to the outcome?

If it’s one of the more difficult feelings, identify if there is a story underneath that feeling and if it is saying something like:

• If he doesn’t want me, that confirms that I’m not good enough for him.

• Or I’m not pretty enough.

• Or if I’m not in control of making this relationship happen then it won’t because I’m not worthy of being loved without earning it.

  Is there a story that could be driving a chase?

I like to define “chasing” as having the energetic quality that feels like desperation—like a person is trying to get something, usually validation, from the other person instead of wanting to know that person in order to build a loving connection.

Because men can smell desperation energy a mile away. When he feels this it speaks loudly to a healthy man that a woman isn’t prepared to value herself in a relationship and that this could lead to more problems and drama later on.

So what’s wrong with a woman chasing (calling, texting, giving gifts etc.) to a man? Well I’d say none of those things are wrong in themselves. But check yourself before you do—am I setting out to make a loving connection with this man or I am coming from a place where I am needing some kind of validation?

If it’s the latter - just hold off.

And go find something you love to do that feels much better!

If you find yourself in that place where your interactions with men come more from a place of needing validation and you’d want to explore more why that is happening for you, let’s have a conversation. Schedule a time to talk here.

If a Man Hands You Crumbs, Do You Take Them?

What surprises me in the dating life of women is when I see the following story line:

This talented and hardworking woman is successful in her work.

She has many good friends and knows how to throw an awesome dinner party.

She meets a man.

The man gives her a great compliment,

and buys her some flowers,

and then gets physical with her.

Afterwards, he slows down from calling.

So she reaches out to him.

She offers to bring him soup when he’s sick.

She asks him where this is going.

He gives her a kiss infrequently and forgets to ask her about her day.

He’s likes some of the attention and sees her maybe once a week.

She hangs on to him because of the hope that this is heading towards a

real relationship, with so little investment.

I see a version of this story often. What surprises me is that the women in the story are high value in so many areas of their life. They dress well, exercise and take good care of themselves. They’ve handled their finances well. They’ve worked hard to achieve great things in the world and they are often loved by many people. But for some reason in the area of their love life they are willing to accept crumbs.

The mystery in all of this is that if they bought a blouse at the store and saw a snag leading to a hole, they’d take it back. Why then can it be so hard to “return” a man that’s not showing himself to be high quality?

When you are dating, and especially if you are getting to know a high quantity of men online, it’s not a matter of if you’ll be offered crumbs from a man, it’s a matter of when. When a man’s behavior leads the dating process with low effort or when his behavior downshifts from previously putting in a lot of effort, it can easily feel disappointing or hurtful.

While we may not say these thoughts exactly, our feelings can stem from thinking things like, “Am I not that interesting to him?” “Maybe I’m not worth the effort?” “Maybe I need to be giving more in the relationship to earn his love?”

And so, instead of speaking up and asking for what we’d prefer or waving him along to get yourself ready for the next man - you accept the little he gives.

You are hungry for a meal, yet you sit down and tell yourself you’ll be ok with crumbs.

The key to shifting this pattern is very simple - yet it can take consistent work to walk out it out.

This key is this: you must believe that you are worthy of the full meal. You must give yourself that value, like in every other area of your life.

Often we need the support of another person to help us to truly shift and stand in the kind of value that enables us to communicate with confidence what we need to a man. Or to rally the inner strength to let a man pass by that’s only offering crumbs.

If you’d like to start welcoming better quality men into your life, then reach out! I’d love to support you on your journey towards getting the full meal of love that you’ve been craving.