Down on Dating? - Make It Fun Again

As a woman whose had lots of dating experience, I know dating can be a lot of things—draining, a roller coaster of emotions, scary, a gamble, and it can actually be——FUN!

What’s that? Fun hasn’t been your experience lately?

Well then, allow me to share with you three tips I’ve picked up along the way that have made it more enjoyable for me. (and I’ll be sharing 3 more on a Facebook Live this Friday at 12:30pm, come chime in and ask questions!)

We can’t change anything about our date, but here’s a few things you can do to create more fun in the dating process.

1. Honor Your Gut - Dating and especially online dating can be a major sorting process. You may be reading hundreds of profiles and trying to filter down which ones catch your eye and match your values and interests. When deciding who you’re going to go on a date with, be sure to listen to your gut. You know when that sense of curiosity and intrigue kicks in—go with that! It’s tempting to agree to the tall and wealthy handsome guy without tuning inward to ask yourself if who he is catches your attention.

Following your inner intuition and intrigue about a person is an amazing guide towards choosing a date who you’ll enjoy more and are more likely to create a good connection with. It sounds obvious, but you’ll be surprised how often we women can give little credit to one of our best assets by choosing a man who checks all the boxes instead of honoring our intuition.

2. Be a “Yes Woman” - As we age it’s a natural tendency to be more pragmatic about what we will and won’t do. “I don’t go on boat rides.” “I don’t stay out after 10pm.” “I don’t go on muddy hikes.” But I want to invite you to lean into your “Yes woman” side. Just like being a girl again whose neighbor friend comes and asks if you want to skateboard down a big hill, as kids we just said “Yes!” We didn’t ask how high it was or what the wheels were like or where we would end up. We went with the flow in the moment and trusted things would be fun. Say yes more on your dates and you may be surprised!

3. Change Your State Before the Date - When getting ready for your dates, I’ve found it makes a big difference on how you go into the date. You may be coming home from a long day at work, tired or have jittery nerves from a stressful day. If you want to bring playful energy into the date, it can be helpful to shift into a more relaxed, higher energy or silly state. What state do you want to be in to show up as your best self?

Maybe you come alive doing a comedy act in the mirror as you get ready. Maybe you need to calm down your nervous system, so you first relax into a bath to feel grounded. Maybe you need to put on your favorite song and dance around. If you can change your state you will show up on the date more ready to engage and bring fun energy.

Have you experienced these or more ideas? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Or show up tomorrow on FB live at 12:30pm. I hope to see you there!

Confusing Our Catch

At a business networking meeting I took my turn to give a one liner introduction. “I’m a Dating and Relationship coach that helps women over 30 to uncover their blocks and become authentically themselves so they can attract a good man.” Everyone in the group nodded at me. I felt self-conscious for 30 seconds wondering if anyone there even fit that demographic.

After the meeting I introduced myself to the man next to me with salt and pepper hair and kind eyes set in a face that told me he had a few years of life experience under his belt. After chit chatting, he seemed comfortable enough to ask, “So when you mentioned that you help women to be ready to attract a man, I’m wondering if you can help me to know what are the signs that a woman is ready?” I gave him a few ideas and then he said, “Yes, I know those things are encouraging to me when I see women doing them. But I’m interested to start dating and the problem is that I don’t find many noticeably available women doing those things.”

Boom. I felt like in that moment he was speaking for many men. Here was a man actively looking for an “open net” so he could swim up for “the catch”, but there weren’t any open nets in his view.

I asked him more about what he saw.

He talked about women looking busy, on their phones, body language closed down, not necessarily wearing rings to know if they are taken.

I appreciated his viewpoint, because I think this gave me some insight as to why I so often hear single women say things like, “There aren’t any good men that I’d want to date approaching me.” “I often attract the unavailable men.” “I don’t know where to find the good single men in my town.”

I know that a lot of my single friends and the women I work with—-if you asked them—would say of course they want to be in a good relationship! However, I believe some women are sending out signals that don’t match what they want.

We are confusing the man we want to catch.

Some women argue though, “Well shouldn’t the man be the one with the balls to overcome any obstacle to take the risk to approach us?” (Rom Coms have taught us well)

Yes, men do well by taking a risk.

But the thing is,

Good men who want to respect you, look for an opening.

So how are we sending confusing signals? Well here are a few that seem so commonplace it’s almost funny to mention them.

1. We are very busy with little time for anyone. - We race from one activity to another with very little breathing space for conversation in our day.

2. We can do it ourselves. - We like to feel independent that we can do it all, but this leaves little opportunity for a man to lend a hand to open a conversation.

3. We say no, when we mean yes - whether it’s our body language or a literal no, we can take the safe route to not go out with a guy because we distrust who he is

4. We love our phones - I’ll say no more.

5. We smile less - Especially in a big city we are less likely to connect in general to the people around us and instead we mind our own business, missing out on the simple pleasures of acknowledging someone, especially someone cute, with a smile.

So how can you start welcoming in better catches? Well, maybe it’s time to start sending clearer signals. By smiling more, making eye contact, opening body posture, putting down your phone for a few minutes, it may feel a little counter cultural these days. But you will see that those good men looking for an open net, find you noticeably standing out far above the rest!

If you’d like more support and feedback in this specific area, join my FB group here. This month we’re doing fun exercises together to get us to send clear signals of availability in public. Also, my upcoming group course will be a great way to really take the time to explore how you can authentically captivate a good man.

Do You Believe in Signs?

“He loves me….he loves me not.” This game started centuries ago, played in hundreds of childhoods, in an attempt to get an outside confirmation of a sign about a guy’s interest.

It seems natural that women would invent such a game because when we catch feelings for a guy, it can bring on a roller coaster of uneasy and intense feelings. While we are being tossed around by the emotions, it feels normal to want to seek out some kind of grounding assurance - we want to know, metaphorically speaking, that if I throw my heart out of a 20 story window, can I risk that it will be caught safely by this man and not break?

Because the potential loss for opening our hearts can seem to have that high of stakes.

I believe that’s why we can start to wane more spiritual when we catch feelings for a guy. I mean instead of taking the greater risk to outright ask and risk immediate rejection, it makes sense to seek out an answer in the form of signs sent from an All Knowing Being to guide you.

Looking for signs made perfect sense to me as I dated men in the past. I’d come home after a date with butterflies in my stomach until I remembered how he said that one thing that showed me our major values didn’t line up. I then felt such inner conflict between my desires and sense of logic, that I’d start to look for signs to confirm that it was a good idea to continue, in spite of my best sensibilities.

It went something like this:

“It must be a sign that right after I journaled about wanting to date someone this summer, we just happened to show up at the same time at that coffee shop today. The bumper sticker on his car is the exact one that I saw when I was dreaming about my next boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. It just seems like I keep getting signs that he’s meant for me.”

Don’t get me wrong, I am a spiritual person and rely on God regularly for guidance. I think that’s a great thing. But in cases of uncertainty about a relationship, I’ve become highly suspicious about signs.

I say that because especially in matters of the heart, when our chemistry kicks in and our heart wants what it wants - it can be so easy to look for signs that confirm why seeking momentary pleasure in a relationship (that shows warning signs for long-term disaster) is a still a good idea.

When I was the most unhealthy in my relationships, I tended to rely on signs the most to “make decisions for me”. It was a way of abdicating responsibility in my own life, thinking on some level that if I was just following the signs from God, then I wouldn’t be held responsible for the consequences.

Since then I’ve come to believe that the best guidance when deciding about a relationship is practical and earthy.

I mean it could be so boringly down to earth as you both have the exact timeline on your calendar for wanting kids.

So the next time you find yourself wondering about what to do about a certain man in your life, I’d say forget the signs, keep the flowers and instead ask yourself these questions:

1. How do I feel in this man’s presence? Do I feel safe, like myself, uninhibited, inspired, or energized? Or do I feel anxious, worried, conflicted, hurt, or confused?

2. What are his actions telling me about his level of interest?

3. Do my values and his line up in the areas that I am not willing to compromise on?

4. Do key people in my life feel good about me being with him or not?

5. Do we share a common vision/life direction in the areas that are important to us? Kids, living situation, mission, goals

If you find that these things line up in your process towards finding a long-term mate - then I’d say those are pretty good signs! (the earthy kind=)

If a Man Hands You Crumbs, Do You Take Them?

What surprises me in the dating life of women is when I see the following story line:

This talented and hardworking woman is successful in her work.

She has many good friends and knows how to throw an awesome dinner party.

She meets a man.

The man gives her a great compliment,

and buys her some flowers,

and then gets physical with her.

Afterwards, he slows down from calling.

So she reaches out to him.

She offers to bring him soup when he’s sick.

She asks him where this is going.

He gives her a kiss infrequently and forgets to ask her about her day.

He’s likes some of the attention and sees her maybe once a week.

She hangs on to him because of the hope that this is heading towards a

real relationship, with so little investment.

I see a version of this story often. What surprises me is that the women in the story are high value in so many areas of their life. They dress well, exercise and take good care of themselves. They’ve handled their finances well. They’ve worked hard to achieve great things in the world and they are often loved by many people. But for some reason in the area of their love life they are willing to accept crumbs.

The mystery in all of this is that if they bought a blouse at the store and saw a snag leading to a hole, they’d take it back. Why then can it be so hard to “return” a man that’s not showing himself to be high quality?

When you are dating, and especially if you are getting to know a high quantity of men online, it’s not a matter of if you’ll be offered crumbs from a man, it’s a matter of when. When a man’s behavior leads the dating process with low effort or when his behavior downshifts from previously putting in a lot of effort, it can easily feel disappointing or hurtful.

While we may not say these thoughts exactly, our feelings can stem from thinking things like, “Am I not that interesting to him?” “Maybe I’m not worth the effort?” “Maybe I need to be giving more in the relationship to earn his love?”

And so, instead of speaking up and asking for what we’d prefer or waving him along to get yourself ready for the next man - you accept the little he gives.

You are hungry for a meal, yet you sit down and tell yourself you’ll be ok with crumbs.

The key to shifting this pattern is very simple - yet it can take consistent work to walk out it out.

This key is this: you must believe that you are worthy of the full meal. You must give yourself that value, like in every other area of your life.

Often we need the support of another person to help us to truly shift and stand in the kind of value that enables us to communicate with confidence what we need to a man. Or to rally the inner strength to let a man pass by that’s only offering crumbs.

If you’d like to start welcoming better quality men into your life, then reach out! I’d love to support you on your journey towards getting the full meal of love that you’ve been craving.

To Date Online or Not, Is that is the Question?

When I ask single women who want to be dating why they aren’t, I often get a reply similar to, “Well, I’m not interested in online dating.” I sense that underneath this response is the assumption, “If I don’t want to do online dating then my other option is to sit pretty and wait, right?”

And I agree, that online dating is one of the most accessible and direct ways to currently find available singles these days.

And I’d like to suggest a better question.

First off, I understand that the “how” of dating has lots of challenges these days.

I get that there is a lot of potential for the “ew” factor with online dating. “How can I be judged so quickly by a few pictures?” “How do I respond to invitations for a hookup?” “If I only hear from 1 or 2 guys that completely aren’t my type, what does that say about me?”

After experiencing a few of these “snags” in online dating, especially in your tender heart space, it’s easy to presume that continuing online dating will only bring more “ew” without certainty of any “ahhh.”

I also get that in person opportunities have increasingly decreased because of the way we now spend a large percentage of our time in the day in front of some form of screen. We go to work or work at home, run some errands, do some activities, but for many of us we see the same few people everyday. When we are in public at various social events, many of us check our phones in lieu of striking up some small talk.

All these are factors make online and offline arenas challenging to connect with good dates.

So if you want to be dating and you’re not, I’d like to suggest a better question:

Is the door to your heart open to love? (Sounds like an 80’s pop song, right?)

But I’m serious, I’ve been around the dating block for a lot of years and I’ll be honest with you, there are a lot of times when I do online dating as a distraction and my heart is not actually open to welcoming a serious partner into my life. There are also times when I go out to meet people socially and I answer their questions as if I’m dragging a ball and chain behind me. My posture in the method led to undesired results.

I may be taking the right actions to meet potential guys for a relationship, but my heart is as closed down as the bank at 6pm.

If you ask yourself whether your heart is open to love or not, your answer starts to focus on your state of being and it’s less tempting to focus on the “methods” for why things aren’t working. (ie. Online dating sucks *&^%$#)

So I want to offer you two considerations for the week (if you want, take out your journal or chat with a friend about them):

1. Is your heart open to love? If not, how can you explore the reasons why you’re keeping it shut?

(This is not always easy, it requires giving ourselves time and space to process or maybe do more serious work like forgiving a past partner.)

2. Then if and when you are open - ask yourself - Are you willing to play with and be adventurous about the possible ways of meeting someone?

With your heart open it’s easier to see online dating as more of an adventure or a tool that will give you experiences that could be fun or help you to grow—no matter what the result of the date is. Also, you can open up your range of experiences in real life that lead you with a curiosity towards men who will find your open heart fascinating.

With an open heart it’s easier to see many experiences (positive or negative) as part of the journey towards the relationship you desire, the same way that you expect to see briers or weeds on a hike, but it doesn’t detract from the overall beauty of nature you experience.

If you find yourself in a place where your heart feels closed and would like help to explore that, I would love to chat with you for a 30 minute call to see if I could be a good fit to help.

If You Dated Your Emotions, How Would They Say It’s Going?

One of my favorite kids’ movies is Inside Out. I got completely caught up in how creatively they conveyed deep psychological truths in a way that entertained kids and adults alike. I especially liked the fact that the characters impersonated our emotions. I mean who can’t have more compassion towards their sadness when she’s a cute, blue munchkin?

As someone who grew up in a culture where it was encouraged to sit my emotions on a bench in the corner and tell them to be quiet - I’ve spent a lot of my adulthood re-learning how to instead welcome them back onto the main stage. Maybe you’ve experienced some of the same?

Since I talk about dating and relationships here, l thought I’d ask you about your emotions this way: If your emotions were a character that you are dating, how would they say it’s going?

Would they express how loved and cared for they’ve felt? Or would they shuffle around the question and start to back off from texting you as much?

I ask because the way we relate to our emotions, can parallel how we relate inside a partnership and be super telling about our ability to attract and sustain a healthy one!

So take a deep breath for a moment and ask yourself……When you start to feel sad, do you let yourself feel it? Or do you serve it a glass of wine so that it will stay quiet? When you feel scared, do you ask yourself supportive questions to find out why? Or do you fill your schedule with more activities so you can’t hear what the fear is saying? When you feel angry, do you give the anger space to come out, or do you cut off it’s voice by moving away from conflict, and moving to a new place?

Are you kind to your emotions, thanking them for guiding you towards more insight? Do you respect them for the tender role they play within who you are?

If this is a struggle, I have 3 quick suggestions to improve your relationship with them.

1. Notice What You Feel: Whether you are a journaler or your record your thoughts on a technological gadget. Take some time over the next week or two to daily record what your feelings are. Sometimes we don’t even know what we are feeling.

2. Express Them: Whether you want to try practicing more on your best friend or the mailman. Tell them more often how something makes you feel. Start small. “I feel excited about the weather today.”

3. Honor their Input: When you are feeling uneasy about the way someone treated you or how a situation went down at work, let your feelings about it inform your actions. Though we don’t always have to act on all of our emotions, we can listen to them and then decide how to express our feelings in a way that can resolve problems or highlight injustice.

Unfortunately, sometimes as kids we learn to hide the most tender parts of ourselves. Yet, as much as we can honor our own emotions, we naturally begin to give others permission to feel and express their feelings too. When we begin creating this safe container within ourselves, it becomes the natural starting point to welcome this kind of safe container in a partnership where both partners welcome and validate each others’ emotions.

So when you start to feel sadness (as she teaches us in Inside Out) it’s important to allow yourself to love her too.

(I mean, look at her—how can you not?)

While We Go Out to Date, It's More of An Inside Job

This week I finally went to wash my dirty car, covered over by ashy air from Oregon's summer forest fires. The truth was that the dirty inside of my car was bothering me way more than the outside, but when I got to the car wash they didn't have vacuums. So I gave up on cleaning the inside of my car, went through the car wash, and called it good.  

I felt good, admiring the outside of my shiny car until I got inside and realized that my car smelled worse than I thought. My car wasn't a very pleasant place to hang out. I really needed to clean the inside!

I share this "dirty" secret with you (lol) because often we take a similar approach in our dating and romantic lives.

For example, Julie decides that enough time has passed (2 months) since her last relationship. After all, she knew for 3 months before she broke up that the relationship was over, so she's had time to get over things. She knew that she didn't like how her ex worked such long hours, and she hated how he criticized her flabby arms. So she decided to hit the weight room at the gym, that way she'd get more in shape and perhaps meet a guy that doesn't spend all his evenings working. 

She meets Ray at the gym. He is attractive, funny and he asks her out. She can tell already that he doesn't work as much and her arms are starting to tone. 

A few weeks into going out with Ray, she starts to feel anxious. It's a feeling she can't shake because he made a comment one night at the movie theater about how she looks like an old lady carrying your popcorn and purse across your arm. It's meant to be funny, but it feels bad. She lets it slide as she's about to go into the theater.

He sits down next to her in the theater and when he gives her an affectionate kiss the bad feeling seems to melt away. She keeps dating him for weeks until one day he lashes out at her for forgetting to lock the door behind her. It sends her system into shock because it's such a strong reaction for her simple oversight. That night in bed her anxiety increases, she has this sinking feeling that she's gone in deep with a man who, again makes her feel bad. Still her mind scrambles to think of reasons why he really is a good guy and that him snapping earlier wasn't a big deal. Deeper down she worries that if she breaks up with Ray, she'll have to start all over again. Or worse, what if there isn't a better guy out there? 

                                                                                         **********

Julie thinks that after her last breakup she can just clean the outside of her "car" and then she'll have a better relationship. But she is starting to sense that even after her outside efforts, that her car still smells bad inside.

Unlike so many marketing messages we hear - it doesn't just take one more smaller size of jeans to reel in the relationship of your dreams. Instead to create a better relationship, it takes the work of an inside job.  So that, as you clean the inside of the car, you and a good partner will want to spend time there and ideally he'll want to help you to keep it clean too.

So what kind of inner work do you need to address before you can attract and keep a healthier partnership? Ask yourself these questions:

• Have you identified limiting beliefs that may be holding you back from being your healthiest self in a relationship? So often we need help to see what belief patterns may be causing us to push away a good partner.
• Do you need to learn more communication skills through taking a class, or webinars or having a mentor? Unfortunately many of us grow up without having had good role models with good communication skills.
• Have you taken sufficient time to process through a past break up--giving yourself time and investment to heal and change patterns? Time itself may not heal all wounds, but intentional efforts to heal over time definitely can heal.

Your dating experiences, often reflect the health of your inner world. So if you are having bad experiences, tolerating more than you want to or finding yourself in repeating patterns, reach out for support. 

To see if you and I could be a fit to work together click here. I can help you to discover limiting beliefs and help free you from blocks so that you can get on a better path towards a great partnership!

Love Last on Your List?

As a single woman your free time can easily get absorbed by the myriad of opportunities and pressures to meet others' expectations in this modern age. Whether your boss is pressuring you to work extra time to get the promotion or the lure to start a side business selling yarn on Pintrest or that favor your family asks you for because you must "have free time". It's easy to get involved in so many good things and feel like you have a full life. Until Valentine's Day inches closer and closer on the calendar and you become painfully aware of the fact that no one who wants to spend it with you.

It dawns on you that finding love has been so far down on your list that it never gets checked off.  

There are more reasons than the ache of loneliness for a day to move love up your list. While we are busy keeping life going and paying our bills, feeding ourselves and getting in enough exercise in order to live a good life, studies show that social relationships are the top predictor of a long life.

Specifically Susan Pinkerton shares in her Ted Talk that your close relationships are the number 2 predictor of how long you will live, 2nd only to general social integration. Exercise, weight, substance use are farther down on the list. If you consider how you are spending your time in the sense that you want live a long, full life--perhaps finding love and developing close relationships should move higher up on your list.

The truth is that we prioritize what we value and often we don't value love because we feel unworthy of it. We can cover over our feeling of unworthiness with excuses of busyness or good sounding reasons why dating doesn't work for us - but the underlying issue is that we haven't spent time focusing on healing the negative feelings we have about ourselves around love.

As a dating and relationship coach, I work with women who are ready to invest time to take a compassionate look at how they may be numbing themselves from their deep desire to be seen, supported and loved by a good partner. 

What if this year you decided to make the top reasons for longevity the same top item on your To-Do list too? Whether that means you decide to give online dating a shot again or stretch yourself to intentionally be around more single men or hire a dating coach to support you for a season to both heal and grow in your ability to welcome love?

Imagine what it would feel like to have a partner by your side who thinks you're amazing while you live supporting each others dreams. And with a loving partner, even your entire To-Do list just might start to feel a little lighter.

Ready to move love up on your list? Schedule a 30 min complimentary chat with me here to talk about how I help you move past patterns that keep you stuck and support you in drawing in lasting love faster.

Where Our Power Lies

Have you ever lost a night's sleep over your housemate's neglect to wash their dishes in the sink? I have. Years ago I remember flipping and flopping in my bed while my mind paced furiously because I felt so belittled by my housemate's blatant carelessness. For hours I lay there mulling over how I could communicate to her the next day so that she would change and I would feel better.

Many years and personal growth experiences later it seems silly to think about how mad I got about a few dishes left in the sink. I realize now that I was seeking something I could control outside of me that would allow me to feel ok inside of me.

Isn't that how life works? I mean if a wheel is broken you fix it. Then you have a working wheel, right? The only problem with this thinking in the realm of human relationships is that the only person that you can make real and lasting change with is that lovely creature you see in the mirror each day. Our true power to change our mental well being lies in the control of our own choices.

During that time when I got upset with my old housemate, I was feeling pretty powerless in my life in general. I was letting life circumstances choose work for me, giving clients needs priority over my own, and spending time in relationships where I gave more than I received. This stirring sense of powerlessness compelled me to seek a scapegoat on which to pin all of my anger. While the real anger I felt was directed towards myself for giving up my power of choice. Only when I recognized the true root of the anger could I forgive myself and take the power back to make healthy choices.

Have you ever hung your well being on someone else's potential to change? Your boss, your lover, your child? I have. Yet, I'm learning that one of the greatest gifts we human were born with is our ability to choose. Even in the midst of sometimes very distasteful circumstances beyond our control, we can make many choices in the way we respond in our thinking or behavior. While in our finite human bodies we have a limited amount of energy and resources to use--wouldn't it make sense to harness that power towards making an impact where it is most effective--in our own lives!!

These days I'm learning how to use my power in many different ways: to chose the work I do, to chose to speak up when something feels wrong, to choose to stop investing time in a relationship that isn't mutually beneficial. I'm learning how to use my power to control my spending, to feel and express my feelings, to say no when I want to, and to seek reasons to be thankful in the midst of difficult things. I use my power to picks outfits I want to wear and feel good in them (no matter what people think!), to choose to open up my heart to those who've demonstrated trustworthiness and to create my boundaries around behaviors I will and won't accept. 

How about you? How do you want to take up your power this week?

Saving A Marriage Before It Starts

Like a lot of little girls, romance captivated my attention. I played for hours with my girlfriends, creating scenarios about how Ken would pick up Barbie in his sports car for dates. I watched, wide eyed, as Lady and the Tramp shared a plate of spaghetti, inhaling the last noodle together into a kiss. I dreamed that one day I would be the receiving beauty on the end of this mysterious, romantic love. 

Not only was I delighted by the happy movie endings of Cinderella getting the Prince, I started to notice a different romantic interest developing around age 11 or 12. I remember when I saw my mom returning from the mailbox with the Ladies' Home Journal at the back of the stack underneath her arm, I tugged it out halfway, while asking, "Can I read this?" and then scurrying off to a quiet edge of our 70's floral print couch to read the column, "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" 

I was equally captivated by the myriad of problems that could happen in a romantic relationship. Month after month I completly absorbed the details of how the woman wanted to leave her husband of 25 years because he never paid attention to her and how the man felt his wife's constant nagging caused him to lose interest in her company. The counselor then commented how different points of view and family backgrounds affected their problem. I read on, dying to know if their marriage could be saved? With the couple's willingness to take some steps, several months later the marriage was saved! With relief and joy, I was nearly in tears.

While I stocked up all this sage advice as an adolescent, I noticed, as I became a teenager, that I developed a serious problem in my own romantic life. Though I consistently had a love interest at school, my problem was when I spotted this love interest coming down the hall towards me within conversational distance, my heart nearly dropped into my knees and it was all I could do to not pass out from a panic attack. Forget about even offering a friendly hello.

I managed to have only one boyfriend in high school, due to the fact that my friend persuaded him to take me to Homecoming and he said yes. During the 3 months we dated, I lost about 15 pounds. I could barely eat an apple at lunch from all the nervousness I felt when he came to sit next to me. When I broke things off with him, I can't say if it was more because there was something wrong between us or if I just couldn't stomach the feeling of complete inadequacy to navigate a relationship.

After that galloping romance, I didn't enter another relationship for years. While I had one off kisses with guy friends, a 5 yearlong crush from afar, or the occasional unappealing advance, the feelings were always unrequited from my side or his.

At some point in my mid 30's I threw myself into overworking so much that I pushed down the desire for relationship all together. Until one day, after returning from an impulsive solo trip to Europe, I returned with a renewed sense of confidence. Soon afterwards a very attractive co-worker walked into the office and smiled at me. And I smiled back. It was the first feeling of mutual attraction that I'd felt in as long as I could remember.

With him as the first, I began a several year process of dating different men, on and off. While I was proud of myself for overcoming some of my fears to date men, the relationships weren’t working out because I was still unhealthy and choosing unhealthy men.

When I reached 40 I knew things were really serious and I needed help. I always wanted to have my own family, so I was motivated to act. I sought the best advice I could find in the hope to answer the question, "Can This Woman Be Wed?" 

I read books on self-worth and femininity, I worked with dating coaches and talked with trusted married friends. My passion for reading about relational dynamics rushed back, just like that young girl on the couch. I devoured any relationship advice I could find. Many of my friends felt comfortable to tell me about their relationship struggles and I was all ears.

I put the advice into practice—while in a relationship or online dating. I discovered what worked and what didn't. I joined a year-long dating coaching group, meeting 2-3 times weekly for accountability. Little by little, I became less anxious and more confident in who I was. 

I knew more of what I wanted, more of what I would accept, more of what I could give, more of what I wouldn't tolerate, and had a clearer vision for a marriage that wouldn't need to be saved. 

My man hasn't arrived yet, but he will, I am sure. Until then I am fully enjoying my life, whether a man is in it or not.

I recognize that I’m not alone in my struggle through the ups and downs of dating and relationships. Recently becoming a life coach, I want to help other singles to grow personally and gain skills to navigate the emotional roller coaster of our modern dating world. With all that I’ve learned, I know I can help.

Have you or someone you know just broken up? Feel reluctant to go online? Out of practice after divorce? Can't break bad relational patterns? Love the 'bad boy' types? Lose yourself easily in a relationship? Believe me, I've probably been there.

If you work with me, I would support you to discover some of the limiting beliefs that lead to dating issues, as well as help you with practical guidance in this age of confusing dating culture. I'd be your "columnist" so that you can save your marriage before it starts.  

So hit me up! - I'd love to walk with you towards the experience of a close, satisfying partnership!